Do you ever worry about the reaction you’ll get when you share what you feel or what you know – either at work or at home or out with your friends? Do you wonder whether you’ll be respected for saying what needs to be said?

Recently a participant in one of my seminars shared that his wife of more than 25 years told him she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. The worst part about this is that he never saw it coming. He never knew she was unhappy.

Situations like that make it easy to see that honesty is not only about not telling lies. Honesty is really about saying what needs to be said and not withholding information and ideas.

This man’s wife may not have been “lying,” but she sure wasn’t being honest, and the sad truth is that more than a marriage may have come to ruin over it. A study published in July’s Psychosomatic Medicine showed that women who usually or always keep their feelings to themselves when in conflict with their spouses have over four times the risk of dying from coronary heart disease.

The Framingham Offspring Study of more than 3,500 men and women asked the participants whether they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse; 32 percent of the men and 23 percent of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during marital conflict. Women who didn’t speak their minds were four times as likely to die during the 10-year follow-up period as women who always told their husbands how they felt.

It’s not always easy to speak the truth in a marriage, but this study demonstrates that not doing so affects more than just marriages – it affects health. When people withhold their thoughts and feelings, they unwittingly slip into unproductive patterns in their relationships. This holds true for marriages, committed relationships, friendships, and work relationships.

People self-silence because they’re afraid of the reaction they’ll get when they share what they feel or what they know. When we reduce fear, we can increase honest, open communication and improve relationships. It requires more emotional energy to keep things inside than to let things out. The key is to create an environment where people feel safe to do so. Self-silencing may not be a problem you struggle with, but other people may withhold their thoughts and feelings from you. How can you help them overcome that? What steps can you take to make the environment safe for honest communication?

That is why my company has been helping to bring honest communication to organizations and families across the world for almost 15 years. We have helped introduce the concept that it is not what people say; it is what they don’t say that is toxic to relationships, leadership, productivity, and profitability. The good news is we can do something about it.

Finally, the next time you’re working out at the gym or planning a healthy meal, remember that being honest in conflict is another way to contribute to a healthy heart.

2011 Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Steven Gaffney Company. To reprint or reuse this article in any format, please call 703-241-7796 or email us at info@stevengaffney.com.

An Excerpt from Chapter 35 of “Honesty Works!”, by Steven Gaffney:

Albert Einstein reportedly said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” People tend to do exactly that. When they don’t like something, they fall back on the same old strategies that have not worked in the past, hoping things will be different this time. Of course, they usually get the same lackluster results and wonder why.

After years of working with people, I truly believe that many people are not honest with themselves about how habitual their problem-solving methods are. If they really stand back, self-observe, and become truly aware, they can think about how successful — or unsuccessful — those methods have been for them.

If you are having issues or challenges, honestly look at your methods for trying to resolve them. If they are not producing the results you want, try something different. You may not have all the answers, or you may not know the right answer. But by trying something different, at least you have a chance of breaking through and solving the issue you are wrestling with.

Consider this: there are currently more than six billion people in the world. Add to that the billions of people who have lived before us. With all of those individuals living their lives, the chances are great that someone has experienced exactly what we are experiencing and has found a solution. The trick is to find the answer.

It is arrogant and egotistical to say and believe that we have tried everything. The truth is that we may have tried everything we can think of, but we have certainly not tried everything there is to try. Someone out there has probably experienced our problem, has been in an identical or nearly identical situation, and has found the answer. Chances are great that someone out there has a co-worker, boss, husband, wife, child, or relative who has experienced a very similar problem and found a resolution.

This may be hard to see when you’re examining your own life, but think about how often you have watched friends or co-workers ignore an obvious solution. They live in the world called “nothing can help me.” No matter what you suggest, they reject everything. So, when you feel stuck and don’t see any answers, take a look at the bigger picture. If you believe there is an answer out there, you will most likely find one. Belief drives actions; actions don’t drive beliefs. People often say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” The problem is they can’t see it, if they don’t believe it.

What if you ran your life by the motto: failure is not an option. How determined would you be to find and implement the answer you’re looking for? What if there was a million dollars riding on it? How likely would you be to find the answer?

Here is an easy tip to help you find the answers for just about any situation — simply ask ten people for advice. If they don’t have the answer, they probably know someone who does. When you receive the advice, be open, receptive, and truly listen to what they have to say.

Sometimes people say that there may be answers out there but that they don’t have much control over the situation. That may be so, but you can concentrate on the part you can control and see what happens. You may only control 5 percent of the situation, but that can make all the difference. After all, even someone in a kayak with limited control can navigate water rapids successfully.

If you are committed to changing a situation, stop doing things that don’t work. When you’re tempted to think you have tried everything, remember you haven’t. Don’t allow failure to be an option — and don’t let yourself give up. The odds are someone in the world has gone through the same experience and figured out the answer. Go find it!

Copyright 2011, Steven Gaffney Company, All Rights Reserved. To duplicate this newsletter in any format please contact our office at 703-241-7796 or info@stevengaffney.com

If you would like to read the entire book “Honesty Works!”, please click here to go to our Success Store to purchase your copy.

Real-World Solutions to the Top 4 Problems with Any Training or Coaching

“Oh no. Not another seminar!.” If we haven’t had the thought ourselves, we have certainly overheard the sentiment expressed in the hallways. Failed seminars, wasted offsite meetings, complicated training sessions, and pointless conferences have conditioned us to resent the time these activities demand.

Just think of a time you attended a seminar or coaching session that seemed interesting at the time, but when you woke up the next day you realized you could not remember a thing you learned, much less how to apply it. Or worse, you may remember a time you walked out of a seminar and immediately knew it was a waste of your time.

That is the very outcome that everyone – from leaders to meeting planners to participants – desperately wants to avoid. And yes, the good news is that such outcomes are avoidable!

While some companies still believe that employees should arrive already trained and job-ready, great companies offer effective training for employee development. There is no denying that training is necessary for growth and progress, but not just any training. It takes the right kind of training.

In my nearly twenty years experience conducting seminars, workshops, and executive coaching with senior leaders down to entry level employees, I have learned the necessary techniques to make training “stick.” In speaking with my Fortune 500 and government clients about their training experiences, I have heard firsthand the top mistakes common to all ineffective training. I have also heard the most frequent complaints from seminar or training participants. Avoiding these common problems could be the difference between wasted time and resources and a productive seminar – one that resonates with participants and produces a high return on investment of your training dollars.

Problem #1: Past the Expiration Date
No one likes biting into stale potato chips or taking a swig of spoiled milk. The same is true for participating in training or attending offsite seminars with stale content. Such training only leaves a bad taste in participants’ mouths.

Training sessions or seminars must have new ideas and a fresh perspective to capture and hold participants’ attention. Otherwise, the content will go in one ear and out the other.

Organizations tend to repeatedly bring in the same experts as everyone else in their particular industry. Although industry experts bring industry knowledge, they often bring industry blind spots and preconceived notions into their training sessions … and that could limit your participants’ problem-solving skills.

Worse yet, if your organization continually brings in the same type of industry experts, participants may approach training sessions thinking, “Well, I bet we have heard all of this before.” They will check out and disengage.

Another warning sign that you are relying too heavily on what has always been done in the past is hearing people say, “That will never work here.” An attitude like that may signal that it is time to shift to a different approach to training.

One way to avoid stale training, whether it is being provided by internal resources or an external expert, is to bring in best practices from outside your organization and industry. Doing so eliminates inbred thinking. It opens your eyes to possible solutions from other markets and will likely generate some out-of-the-box strategies.

As a friend once said, “You cannot see the big picture if you are in the picture.” If you are in the government contracting industry, are you willing to look at best practices from the hospitality industry? If you are in the insurance industry, are you willing to look at best practices from the financial industry? That kind of cross-pollination may bring just the creativity and fresh ideas you need.

Problem #2: One Size Fits All
No two companies, agencies, or organizations are exactly alike. Each has its own set of challenges and goals. Therefore, training and seminars must be customized to meet your organization’s unique objectives and overcome your audience’s particular obstacles. When it comes to training, one size does not fit all.

Generic training produces generic results. For example, consider leadership development programs. A common complaint we hear is that organizations tend to offer the same supervisory training for all employees regardless of each employee’s particular learning style, goals, challenges, personal weaknesses, strengths, and so forth. Conducting “cookie cutter” training sessions that are exactly the same for everyone will not produce the results you want. Generic strategies or solutions are easy to forget and difficult for participants to implement since they do not apply to their specific needs.

Many companies have their own approach to avoiding the “one size fits all” mistake. For example, our company utilizes our “Inside-outside Customization Approach™” to discover participants’ unique challenges, weaknesses, and goals prior to delivering the seminar. Whatever your process, get to know the audience and participants beforehand in order to adapt the seminar or coaching to effectively address the group dynamics and obstacles. That way, examples are pertinent to the audience’s world, making them relatable and memorable. This leads to an engaged audience and a seminar that comes to life.

Problem #3: Muddy Waters
Confusing information causes delay or, worse, inactivity, as well as ineffective results. And what causes confusion? Too many broad concepts, vague ideas, or overcomplicated tactics and techniques thrown at you at once. All the information begins to muddy the waters, making it difficult to gain clarity or take action.

No matter how interesting a seminar may be, if participants do not leave with a clear understanding of how to implement the strategies learned, the seminar was a waste of time and resources. If tactics are not easy to remember and use, then participants will not use it because they do not have the time to figure it out on their own. For example, consider traditional training on identifying and analyzing different personality traits. It may be useful, insightful, and interesting, but people may leave the session unsure how to effectively analyze on the fly. For that reason, they may not use what they learned.

For effective training, simplify content and provide specific, tactical strategies that are easy to understand and execute. Training must be easy for participants to apply to their particular jobs. When that happens, participants leave seeing the value in what they learned and equipped with new skills to take on challenges they were previously unprepared to combat.

There are many techniques we have used or witnessed that help clear the waters so training is easy to implement in the workplace. One technique that is easiest to implement is to structure training in such a way that allows participants to choose the case study rather than having the presenter, speaker, trainer, or coach provide a case study. When participants select a case study they can relate to and are properly guided through it, they can then see exactly how to apply it in their world.

Another simple technique for providing clarity is to implement what we call the “Teach Back” technique. At the close of a longer session, participants should form small groups and teach back the main highlights from the seminar. This allows them to review their notes to ensure they clearly understand the key messages and how to execute the techniques or strategies.

When information from training, seminars, or coaching is easy to implement, participants can begin practicing their new skills immediately and frequently, allowing those new skills to quickly become habits.

Problem #4: It’s Over When It’s Over
Too often, training ends when the seminar ends. There is no follow-up from presenters to see how things are going or to address any needs or questions that may have come up after the seminar. Likewise, participants are not held accountable to implementing and developing the new skills. Lack of accountability – for presenters as well as participants – can severely reduce the effectiveness of the seminar.

Think of it this way: one training session without reinforcement or accountability is equivalent to being trained on gym equipment and then never going back to use it. It is a step in the right direction, but there will be no results unless there is reinforcement to make it a habit.

To make matters worse, research shows that when people are stressed (which many are in the workplace), they tend to fall back on old, sometimes bad, habits. This makes reinforcement and accountability even more important for new training to be successfully embraced, implemented, and sustained.

Many systems and techniques exist to enforce accountability, such as our own specialized coaching and accountability programs. Whatever your approach, ensure follow-up coaching allows participants to privately discuss personal challenges because some may not feel comfortable having that discussion in a group setting. Also, follow-up coaching sends the message that participants are expected to use what was learned in the session. If participants are proactively seeking further coaching, that’s even better!

A well-trained workforce is a workforce ready to meet challenges with creative and effective solutions. Providing education and training is valuable, but simply providing it is not enough. The seminar needs to be tailored and clear so all participants can make the best use of it and so you can reap a full return on your training dollars. Avoid these common training problems and you and your organization will ensure that your training, seminar, or coaching is useful and effective. That kind of valuable training is the right fertilizer for the growth and progress your organization seeks.

Steven Gaffney is a leading expert on honest, interpersonal communication, team performance, leadership, and change management. He has worked with numerous Fortune 500 organizations to increase revenue and drive profit, as well as with many governmental agencies to better allocate resources and taxpayer dollars. Thousands credit Gaffney’s seminars, media appearances, books, and products with making immediate and lasting changes in both their organizations and personal lives. He is the author of two groundbreaking books, Just Be Honest and Honesty Works, and the co-author of Honesty Sells. For more information, please visit www.StevenGaffney.com.

This article is the property of Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Have you ever had the feeling someone was lying to you? Or not being entirely truthful? Worse yet, have you found yourself afraid to confront that person for fear of negative repercussions?

The Columbo Method is a simple and ingenious way to handle this potentially precarious problem. Remember the television show Columbo, starring Peter Falk? The fictional Columbo was a detective who solved murder mysteries. He was a humble and unassuming character who had the ability to get anyone to tell him anything, despite their initial resistance. When someone said something to Columbo that was conflicting or inconsistent, he would rub his head and say, “I noticed yesterday you said one thing, and now you are saying something else. I’m confused.” He would say things like, “Could you clarify this?” or “Help me understand.” Columbo did not accuse those he was questioning. By taking the responsibility for his confusion, he disarmed the other person — who then would slowly feel comfortable telling him the things he needed to know to solve the crime. The Columbo Method is to present the facts that appear to conflict, give the person the benefit of the doubt, and then ask questions for clarification.

In a business situation, Columbo might say, “I noticed you said you wanted the report right away, but I haven’t heard from you since I gave you the report. Is everything okay?” Or, “Is there something else I can provide you with?”

By choosing not to blame or accuse the other person, we reduce the likelihood that they will be defensive or resistant and in turn increase the probability that they will reveal what is truly going on. Like a mystery, remember that things are not always as they appear. What may appear to be a lie may not be.

For example, suppose you asked a co-worker to help you with a project at 12 P.M., but he declined because of a conflicting meeting. Then you saw him leave the building at 12:00 P.M. Does this mean he was lying? Of course not. Perhaps his meeting was moved offsite, cancelled, or delayed. Perhaps he simply forgot about helping you. Perhaps he had a family emergency. There are a hundred reasons why he could have been leaving the building at 12:00 P.M.

There is a possibility that he did have a meeting when you talked that morning, but things later changed. The bottom line is that we just don’t know the real reason until we ask. And this is where the Columbo Method can be used. You might say, “You told me you could not help on this project because you had a meeting,
but then I noticed you left. I am confused. Is everything okay?” Or, “Am I missing something?”

The key to the Columbo Method is to remember that all you really know is that the facts are conflicting. You don’t know for sure what else might be going on. If you approach a situation with an accusatory tone, assuming that the person is lying, they will probably get defensive. They will leave physically or check out mentally from the conversation and you will not learn anything. When you use the Columbo Method, it is more likely that the person will open up and answer your questions honestly. The mystery will be solved and the relationship will be intact.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

The most terrific woman I know is my mother. Her advice over the years has helped me avoid many problems. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I missed out on many years of my mom’s wonderful advice. Why? Because I was missing the real message behind her words.

My mother, by her own admission, can be somewhat negative. If I say things are going great, she might ask, “But are you prepared for the future?” Even though I run my own business, she reminds me almost every year that April 15 is tax day. There are many things I am likely to forget, but tax day is not one of them. If there is a possible negative outcome to any situation, my mother can usually predict it and advise me accordingly.

Unfortunately, for years I took her words as a form of disrespect. I thought her negativity and her tendency to play devil’s advocate were signs that she thought I was incapable of doing things right and that she had little faith in my business acumen or my instincts for survival. I reasoned that if she really respected me, she would not be the voice of doom.

Things changed one day when I was attending a seminar. The speaker reminded us not to get caught up in the words people say but to listen for the true message they are trying to convey. At that moment, the light bulb went on. My mother was talking to me in this way because she cared about me, not because she had no faith in me or my skills! Voicing her worries was her way of expressing her love and protectiveness for me; it was not a form of disrespect. Suddenly, I got it.

I vowed from that moment forward to hear the real message my mom was trying to communicate and to be patient with her. She may use words that sound negative, but now I view her worries and warnings as an expression of love. She is simply trying to contribute and point out things that she perceives as helpful.

Of course, as soon as I really started to listen to my mom, I realized how smart and wise she is. She has subsequently saved me on many occasions by pointing out things I would otherwise have overlooked because of my ceaseless optimism.

Are you missing anyone’s real message? A client’s? A coworker’s? A friend’s?

Let’s take a work example. When someone complains to you, do you hear just the complaints, or do you take time to recognize the impetus behind the complaints? Perhaps the complainer is not actually trying to be difficult. Perhaps the complainer just wants to be noticed and appreciated for the work they are doing. Or perhaps the complainer is dedicated to the job and wants to excel. Maybe the complainer feels frustrated by a lack of resources and may think it is helpful to point out insufficiencies. Some complainers
lack the skill or self-confidence to ask for what they really need. They complain, hoping that others will get the hint and provide it.

Complaining clients who are hard to work with can become our best, most-loyal clients if we take the time to hear their real message and address their concerns. If our clients truly do not want to make things work, or if they really have given up, they would probably remain silent and quietly end the relationship as soon as possible.

If we are not careful to hear the real messages people are trying to communicate, we will miss them … and possibly miss out on great opportunities as well. Remember, you cannot change what people say, but you can change the way you choose to hear them. So now, when my mom is predicting gloom and doom in my life, I simply smile and say, “Mom, I got it. You love me.”

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Three steps to stop telling the worst lies.

National Honesty Day is almost here, and since the holiday is all about being honest with yourself, it is only fitting that today’s honest communication is on just that. You may think you are pretty good at not lying to others, but what about lying to yourself?

How often have you said to yourself that you were going to start a new, healthy habit and then didn’t do it? Has your inability to follow through reached the point that when you decide to do something, a little voice in your head chides, “Are you kidding? You’ve never stuck to it before and you won’t be able to this time either!” When this happens, you have told the worst lies you can tell: the lies you tell yourself. Now you no longer believe yourself.

Lies to ourselves undermine our own confidence to address issues, accomplish goals, and bring about necessary changes in our lives. They also undermine others’ confidence in us, because they have witnessed the false proclamations and undelivered promises.
It does not have to be this way. You can stop telling the worst lies of all by following these three simple steps.

1. Be honest and declare that you will change.
The ability to change always starts within ourselves. Let the people around you know that you are aware of your past undelivered promises. Others are often hesitant to bring up the subject because it could be embarrassing or humiliating. You bring it up. You mention it. Let them know that from this point forward, you will not say things you do not really mean.

2. Give the people around you permission to challenge you if they see you going back to your old ways.
This is especially important when the same people have paid the price for your bad habits and undelivered promises over and over again.

3. Decide on some consequences in advance if things do not change.
Let people know how serious you are about change by self-imposing consequences if things continue as they have in the past. You can even ask others to participate in the consequence. For example, if you have a track record of turning in late reports or being tardy to meetings, promise your co-worker that you will pay five dollars for every five minutes you are late. A word of caution here: only commit to a consequence you are willing to submit to. Otherwise you will compound the original problem of broken promises. This is not about the consequence. It is about ending the lies we tell and restoring our confidence in ourselves and the confidence of others in us.

The point is to believe what we say. The result will be soaring confidence, which will lead to accomplishing more than we ever thought possible. And at that point when you make a promise, the little voice inside your head will say, “Consider it done!”

I hope this week’s tips have helped you look at honesty a little differently and will enhance your level of honesty just in time for National Honesty Day tomorrow!

Did this tip help you? We welcome your feedback at info@stevengaffney.com or 703-241-7796.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Do not hide behind your keyboard to avoid uncomfortable or difficult conversations.

In the spirit of National Honesty Day, let’s be honest. We have all decided to send an email to deal with an uncomfortable or upsetting issue instead of having a direct conversation. Do emails really help resolve issues or confusion more quickly and effectively?

Research shows that 90% of a message’s meaning is conveyed by tone, body language, context and source; not just words. Therefore with email, tensions rise and problems escalate when people hide behind their keyboards to avoid the discomfort of talking directly about issues. This leads to distorted one-way conversations that lack the tone, context and body language that clarify messages in two-way dialogue. Thus, email wars erupt, clutter mailboxes, eat up time and thwart collaboration, morale and productivity.

Email can be a terrific, quick and efficient form of communication, or it can be horrific. It all depends on how it is used. Below are a few tips for how to effectively use email:

1. Use email for its four main purposes: to communicate information, to receive information, as a form of documentation, and for friendly correspondence.
For example, use email to keep everyone informed of a project’s status, to verify what was discussed in a face-to-face or phone conversation, to ask a quick question, to say hello, and to compliment.

2. Do not use email to resolve emotional upsets.
In other words, if you are upset with someone or someone is upset with you, do not use email. Call the person or go talk to the person face to face. Given the inherent difficulties with communication via email, it is not a good way to communicate emotions or resolve difficulties.

3. State the purpose of your email immediately.
By stating the purpose in the subject heading or in the first sentence of your text, you minimize the possibility that the recipient will misinterpret your message or delete it before it is read.

4. Write email as you would a newspaper article.
The first paragraph should contain the most pertinent information, with details following in subsequent paragraphs. People are busy and need the highlights. They may never finish the email and may miss important information if it is buried in the body of the text. If appropriate, have a quick summary sentence at the end.

5. If an email volleys more than twice, pick up the phone.
If you email back and forth with someone more than two times about the same issue, it is time to pick up the phone and get clarification. When emails volley back and forth about the same issue, it is often a sign that something else is going on (someone is really upset, doesn’t understand, is being resistant, and so on).

6. If you don’t want an email published in a newspaper, don’t send it.
You never know what will happen with your email or to whom it will be forwarded once you press send.

This National Honesty Day, choose to use email for the right purposes. If you are upset, confused or have a serious issue to resolve, pick up the phone or walk down the hall and have an honest two-way conversation. Do not use each stroke of the keyboard to brush issues under the rug. Remember, email can be either a terrific or horrific tool. It all depends on how it is used. Be careful!

Keep an eye out for tomorrow’s honest communication tip in honor of National Honesty Day (April 30)!

Did this tip help you? We welcome your feedback at info@stevengaffney.com or 703-241-7796.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Bad news about us is better coming from our own mouths than from someone else’s.

As National Honesty Day approaches and you consider your own level of honesty, you might find yourself in the “Truth vs. Lies” trap. This trap leads many to believe that if they simply refrain from lying, they are honest. That’s a great start, but as I’ve said before, honesty goes beyond not telling lies. It also requires us to share ALL details (the good and the bad) and to tackle difficult conversations head-on. These aspects of honesty are particularly challenging when it comes to delivering bad news about ourselves.

Sharing bad news is part of everyday life. The key is to proactively share such information before the other party discovers it themself. In the end, people usually find out the truth. Therefore, honest communication is critical to establishing credibility and trust with our customers, potential clients, co-workers and staff, as well as our family and friends. You can tell how open and trustworthy a relationship is by how willing someone is to share things that are difficult but important to hear.

When it’s time to share bad news and difficult information, keep in mind these four techniques for effectively delivering the message:

1. Bad news about us is better coming from our own mouths than from someone else’s.
If someone else discovers our bad news before we divulge it, it undermines their trust in us, and they may begin to wonder what else we are hiding.

2. Take 100 percent responsibility for your actions.
Remember, no one makes us do anything. We choose our actions for a variety of reasons. Great leaders and coaches take responsibility for their team’s actions as well as their own. Taking responsibility helps others receive any news favorably. Consider Ronald Reagan. He began slipping in the polls during the Iran-Contra affair until he took full responsibility. After taking responsibility, his popularity rose again.

3. Get ahead of the curve on bad information.
If the future looks bleak or more bad information is possible, find out as much as you can and share it as quickly as possible before someone else discovers it. Years ago, tainted Tylenol killed people, yet the company survived the crisis in part because company officials quickly and openly shared what they knew with the public.

4. Take immediate and widespread action to correct the situation.
People feel more secure when they hear and witness someone doing something about the situation. Unfortunately, organizations and individuals often take a reactive wait-and-see approach – only to have the situation worsen. How we respond to mistakes defines us. Consider the Tylenol example again. The company immediately pulled all the potentially deadly products off store shelves. They did not wait to be forced to take action; they proactively told the public what their company was doing to correct the situation and prevent further accidents.

No one likes to share bad information, but doing so honestly is imperative to maintaining the bond of trust. Trust is the foundation of all relationships, and honest communication is the key to developing and building the relationships we desire.

Keep an eye out for tomorrow’s honest communication tip in honor of National Honesty Day (April 30)!

Did this tip help you? We welcome your feedback at info@stevengaffney.com or 703-241-7796.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

National Honesty Day is a great reminder to tell the truth, but it also forces us to confront the ugly truth about how honest others are being with us.

National Honesty Day arrives April 30, bringing with it a healthy reminder to examine your current level of honesty. The holiday was created so the month would end with focus on honesty after beginning by encouraging lies and deceit (April Fools’ Day). The holiday challenges people to evaluate just how honest they are. Be aware, though … you may be surprised by your findings.

A survey of 1,000 adults reported in James Patterson and Peter Kim’s book “The Day America Told the Truth” found that 91 percent lie routinely. I like to joke that perhaps the other 9 percent lied when surveyed. This percentage may be surprising to some, but consider your definition of “lying.”

Lying is not just about making false statements. It also encompasses everything that is conveniently left out, avoided or withheld. In my nearly 20 years experience advising top government leaders and Fortune 500 executives on increasing the bottom line through open, honest communication, I have seen the mounting costs of such withholding.

Open, honest communication is often the antidote to the hidden costly problems that inhibit organizations’ teamwork, collaboration, innovation and growth. This National Honesty Day, try it out. Discover the opportunities honest communication brings in both your professional and personal life.

Why limit honesty to just one day, though? If you are feeling really brave, try honesty out for the whole week. In honor of National Honesty Day, I will reveal one honest communication tip each day to help everyone get the “unsaid” said. Implementing the tactics I provide will improve the results of your honesty evaluation on April 30. The honest communication tips will be posted to my Facebook page and this Communication Blog. Please feel free to comment and let me know what results you see by using the tips!

Honest Communication Tip for April 26:
Abide by the Law of Reflection

The Law of Reflection states that what we give out is what we tend to get back. You may also know this law as the Golden Rule, or by the phrases “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” or “What goes around comes around.”

We have all heard these phrases in various forms and often recite them ourselves, but what strikes me is how easy it is to forget the powerful role this philosophy plays in honest communication.

Just think about it. How often have you experienced someone who does not listen to you or is not fully honest with you? In the spirit of National Honesty Day, be truly honest with yourself. Have there been times when you did not listen to that person or when you failed to openly share with them? As leaders, parents, colleagues and friends, we must model the behavior we seek.

When people blame us, we tend to blame them; when people accuse us, we tend to accuse them right back; when people withhold information from us, we tend to keep information from them. It also tends to hold true in the positive direction. When people take responsibility for their actions, we tend to take responsibility for ours; when people apologize, we tend to apologize back; when people focus on the solution; we tend to do the same.

Abiding by the Law of Reflection motivates you to be honest with others and compels others to be more honest with you. Be honest in acknowledging your mistakes, communicating your concerns and expressing your appreciation. Doing so will encourage others to do the same. Take that a step further and really listen to people if you want people to listen to you. Listen, no matter who are speaking with.

As National Honesty Day quickly approaches, abiding by the Law of Reflection is one way to increase your level of honesty.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Fear is a normal and appropriate response to many of the challenges we face in life. The problem comes when fear becomes a reason for not accomplishing something. The reality is that we often do things in spite of fear – we ride scary amusement park rides, meet future in-laws, go on job interviews, or go sky-diving. Fear is not the real reason we do not do something; it’s just an excuse we allow ourselves to use in order to get off the hook.

For instance, fear of public speaking is one of the top fears people have. Yet few of us never speak in public! We may dislike speaking in front of large audiences, but we can learn to control the fear. Johnny Carson, Carly Simon, Carol Burnett and Barbra Streisand all had fears of performing in public – yet, they became very successful. They learned techniques to handle and overcome their fears.

The truth is that fear does not stop us from doing anything; we stop ourselves.

Here are five tips to help you gain control and overcome your fear.

1. Channel your fear into useful energy and actions.
Instead of bottling up that nervous energy, channel it into actions, such as preparation or planning. Walter Cronkite said, “It is natural to have butterflies. The secret is to have them fly in formation.” For example, if you are nervous about a job interview, write down interview questions and answers you are worried about, then practice them out loud. You might even take a practice ride to the interview site or prepare your interview outfit the day before. Do not bottle up your fear – use it.

2. Share fears out loud, then repeat positive affirmations to yourself.
This may feel odd at first, but try it. Say out loud all your concerns and fears about a situation. For example, say out loud, “I am concerned I am going to make a mistake” or, “I am worried they are going to get upset.” You will know when you are done because you will begin to feel a sense of relief. Once you get the concerns and fears out, start verbalizing the positive affirmations. For example, “I am smart enough to correct a mistake” or, “They are going to love the presentation.” Remember, it is impossible to think positive and negative thoughts at the same time. So, share all of your worries and concerns, then share the positive affirmations and watch the magic!

3. Practice visualization.
Visualization is a powerful tool. Do you ever catch yourself daydreaming? Daydreaming is visualization, and you can apply the same concept to facing fear. In a quiet place with your eyes closed, visualize yourself successfully handling the situation you are afraid of at least ten times. If you cannot visualize yourself successfully facing a fearful situation, imagine you are in a movie theater watching someone who looks like you, acts like you, and talks like you handling the situation successfully. Do this at least ten times. After you complete this visualization, put yourself back into the picture and run through the successful scene another ten times. Your outlook on the situation will change.

4. Be clear about how you want the event to begin and how you want it to end.
We tend to be the most nervous at the beginning and the end. If you are clear about these two parts, then you can always fall back on autopilot if you get really nervous. For example, if it is a presentation you are nervous about, write down the beginning and end and practice these two parts the most. This helps organize your thoughts so you are certain to capture all the points you want to make and it helps you get back on track if the situation gets derailed. The point here is to pay particular attention to the areas that make you the most nervous, which is usually the beginning and the end.

5. Play through the worst-case scenario and then the best-case scenario.
Most people think that going through a worst-case scenario will make them more stressed and afraid. Actually, the solution is to play out the worst-case scenario all the way to the end by continually asking yourself, “And then what would happen?” Unfortunately, many of us stop mentally working through this worst-case scenario as soon as we come up against our fear. Instead, play out the scenario completely, as if you are watching a movie. You would watch the movie until the end to see what happened. That’s what you must do when you envision your worst-case scenario. Most of the time you will simply discover you are right back where you started. This exercise can also help you uncover and learn from potential mistakes. Suppose you are afraid to ask for a raise. If you ask despite your fear, the answer may be no. But you may receive helpful feedback in the process, so at the very least, you now know where you stand so you can make decisions about your future. Parts of your worst-case scenario may come true, but chances are you will have learned something from the experience.

Next, play out the best-case scenario and notice how you feel. There is a lot more room for positive thought when we clear out the negative doom and gloom. If you are like most people who have gone through this exercise, you will find yourself more willing to tackle the fear, all because you have a clearer picture of the possible outcomes. Now you can prepare for them!

Michael Pritchard said, “Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.” Don’t stop yourself from doing and saying things you want and need to do. Fear is like an alarm. You decide how you want to respond to it. You can take action whether or not you are afraid. Fear cannot stop you – only you can stop you.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.