One of the Most Important Strategies to Remember …Especially During this Holiday Season
The following true story (from Linda, a participant in one of my seminars) contains one of the most important reminder lessons that can make the critical difference in our lives as well as the lives of others. “A while back, my husband and I ordered pizza. After 45 minutes we called to find out when we could expect delivery. We called again after an hour and finally after an hour and fifteen minutes we called and cancelled our order. As we were walking out the door to go grab a bite, our pizza delivery lady showed up with our pizza. My husband and I told her we called and cancelled our order and now we didn’t want the pizza. She apologized for being late and told us we could have the pizza for free. We told her “No, thanks. We decided to go out to eat.” ” “All of a sudden she started to cry, “My father died last week and today is the first time I’ve really felt that he’s gone.” She couldn’t stop crying while she told us how she was getting lost in our neighborhood all night even though she delivers pizza there all the time. She said the people in the last home she delivered to started yelling at her for being late and she felt terrible about that, too. I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight. My husband stepped up and did the same. We paid for the pizza and invited her in to have dinner with us.” “A couple of weeks later, there was a knock on the door and there stood Vicky the pizza lady. She told us she wanted to buy us a gift but there was no gift that could ever express the appreciation she felt for our kindness that night. Instead she said when she drives by our home she sends good wishes our way.” “One night my husband and I were driving home and we happened to be behind Vicky. We live on a corner and while she drove straight ahead, I’m sure she didn’t know we were behind her when we turned onto our street. As we watched her drive by, we could see her arm waving toward our home — throwing good wishes our way.” “Vicky gave us an immeasurable gift … she gave us an unforgettable life lesson.” Maybe someone who is not returning our calls is not trying to be disrespectful, maybe they just didn’t receive the messages because they were out of town and did not change their voice mail accordingly. Maybe they did receive our messages but are embarrassed to call and let you know they are behind schedule. Or maybe did not do what they said they would do, and by not calling, they are avoiding the anticipated conflict. Maybe when someone snaps at us, it has nothing to do with us. Maybe instead they are having some personal problems at home (i.e. like an elderly parent who is sick, or a child who is not doing well in school, or maybe they are suffering from marital problems). Maybe they are under stress or feeling extreme pressure about work issues. The result is they take it out on us…but it really has nothing to do with us. I am not making a judgment about the behavior being right or wrong. I am just saying that things are not always as they appear… And of course we all know, starting the conversation with accusations or with “an attitude” does not inspire someone to open up to let us know what is really going on (or even to change their behavior). So remember, check things out with a little compassion and understanding before acting. Doing so can produce wonderful dividends in our life as well as in others. Give that gift and if you want email this tip to friends, family and co-workers and Linda and Vicky will inspire us all to have the best holiday season ever.
———————————————————————————————————————- The Holiday Season has begun! Give the gift of great relationships and a positive work environment to all your family, friends, employees, and co-workers. Visit our Success Store and call our office to receive a 30% discount on all purchases. This offer ends on December 12, 2008. You must mention this email to receive 30% off when you call to place your order! Call us at 703-241-7796 or email deatra@stevengaffney.com for more information or for large quantity orders. ——————————————————————————————————————
During this holiday season, things can get extremely stressful. We often end up seeing people we don’t want to see, have to deal with family issues we don’t want to deal with, while continuing to manage the work pressures as we finish out the year. It can also be even a reminder of the issues we have neglected but said we were going to deal with during the year. So with all this as a backdrop, I want to remind you to distinguish what is “noticed” (the facts of the situation) from what is “imagined” (opinions, thoughts, evaluations, conclusions). This may sound simple, and it is, but just think how often people operate and make decisions as if their opinions are fact or said in another way, using this distinction, what they “imagine” is correct rather than finding out the truth. The misdiagnosis becomes even more exacerbated when the people they are interacting with have different agendas, goals, needs, and backgrounds. You might be saying, “Yea, but I know this person.” Well maybe you do, but the problem is that once we develop a conclusion we start to look for evidence that support the conclusion and miss or rationalize facts that are inconsistent with our opinions and conclusions. Have you ever worked on a project or contract that developed major problems…only to find out that the source of the problem was that a decision was made on a few facts and a lot of “imagination.” In fact the truth is we often see what they want to see…at the detriment of missing problems until it’s too late. For example, I have had participants in my seminars share with me how customers were lost because people thought “they knew” what the customer wanted. I have had husbands and wives share with me how they ended up divorced because they missed what was happening with their spouse. What’s the point? No matter how well you know someone, ask yourself what you “really know.” After all, the only facts you can really know are appearances, behaviors and words. Just about everything else is our “imagination.” The truth is we don’t really ever know what someone is thinking and feeling. We can just notice their words and actions, and we “imagine” we know them…but we really don’t know what is going inside them. According to my research after over a decade of conducting seminars, we can be often 50-80% wrong on a daily basis. That may be hard to believe but the mind tends to remember the times we are correct and forget the times we are incorrect. So give people a break, check things out… maybe the relative, or co-worker who is trying to be nice is not setting us up. Maybe it is their effort to try to turn things around. Seize the moment and advance the relationship. Please forward and share this segment with your staff, co-workers, friends and family that might be interested! If you are interested in finding out more about bringing Steven Gaffney to your organization please contact Deatra Vailes at 703-241-7796 or deatra@StevenGaffney.com.
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Thanks Steven that was a great story brought a tear to my eye we do need to be more compassionate and I think it was great that Vicki actually spoke her truth so the couple could move into compassion vs. anger.
Best,
Cheryl
I just want to say that a little change in each of us can inflict life-long compassion, love and emotional harmony.
(And this experience is proof of it.)
Thanks for sharing,
LaVerne
Steve, That was a touching story. For most of us it is our nature to assume or imagine what the other persons actions will be. Especially when we have known the person for a while and they have a history of acting in the exact same fashion repeatedly. When it is a stranger we are wrong to assume anything. We should give them the benefit of the doubt. One thing that comes to mind is driving down the road and you see another car switching lanes constantly to get ahead of other cars and go faster. We always assume they are just being a jerk and impatient. I know that is not always the case. I for one have been that speeding car. One day I received a call from the Police that my Son had been in a Car accident and was being transported by Rescue to the Hospital. He was not conscious when the Rescue left with him. I got in my car and started speeding down all the roads weaving in and out of traffic to get to my injured Son in the Hospital. Other Motorists became angry with my driving and were blowing the horn at me or not letting me get ahead of them. They did that because they thought I was just being a jerk. I know this to be true because one of those motorists was my neighbor and didn’t realize it was me until I flew past them. They did not even consider the thought that something might have been wrong. Now when I see a vehicle doing that sort of thing I move out of the way and let them pass. That person may have an emergency they are trying to reach.
You are absolutely correct. I too made an assumption of someone today. To only discover she recently lost her husband and has not quite gotten over his death. To her own admission, the pain of his abscence affects her more often then she thought.
Excellent read, so true, and can apply it to everyday personal and business relationships that I have. Thanks Steven!
Looks good! Very usefulGood resources here. Thanks much!