Have you ever thought, “If only they had told me what was really going on and what they wanted, I could have done something about it”? Or, “If I’d just had that necessary information or feedback, I could have made a much better decision”?

On the flipside, perhaps at times you have withheld opinions and ideas and thought to yourself, “Why bother sharing my opinion? What difference will it make?”  

Working in the trenches with thousands of individuals from organizations of every size for almost fifteen years, I have discovered that the root cause of most organizational problems is the lack of honest, open communication. What I mean by a lack of honest, open communication is not only the truth versus lies aspect, but also the more subtle and sometimes more insidious aspect – the withholding of issues, information, opportunities, and ideas. When communication is stunted, it touches every aspect of organizational life. The key to collaboration, innovation, and growth is to get the unsaid said.

Problems That Result When Issues, Information, and Ideas Are Withheld Read More ›

All you have to do is turn on the news to see how a lack of honest communication is affecting the workplace as well as everyday relationships we have with one another. In fact, it seems these problems are very common. Therefore, honest, effective communication is even more critical to teamwork, productivity, and profitability and an organization’s lifelong success than ever before.

People at all levels of an organization must be willing to honestly share the information, ideas, and opportunities that come up on a daily basis. This honest communication must also be done in a time-sensitive manner, because things change so quickly in today’s world. If an organization does not receive critical information in time, it can cost them millions or even billions of dollars. Why? Because problems need to be caught and resolved when they are small, and no organization can afford to miss key opportunities. Read More ›

When it comes to dealing with problems or issues with others, we are likely to follow one or more of these solutions that are myths of communication–solutions that are touted as solutions but can actually cause horrible problems instead.

Myth #1: Time heals all wounds.

The truth is time usually deepens wounds. If time really healed all wounds, people would not blame their behavior on their childhood and past events as they often do. In fact, time can deceive us into thinking that problems with others have been resolved, but all it usually takes is to see them again or something to remind us of the past unresolved issues and we will become upset all over again. In essence our unresolved past is lying around waiting to strike us in the present.

What to do? Don’t rationalize, “Well, they are not saying or bringing it up. So I will just let it go.” Just because they are not bringing it up doesn’t mean they let it go. They may feel awkward or embarrassed or may not know how to bring it up so they have decided to bury it. The key is to proactively bring up issues and resolve them.

Myth #2: Don’t Rock the Boat.

The truth is if you don’t rock the boat, the boat will probably sink. Faced with an issue or problem that is bothering us, many people rationalize, “I am not going to say anything. It’s not that big a deal. I don’t want to rock the boat” The problem with this way of thinking is if we don’t say anything, the issue is unlikely to be resolved. Then what was once a small issue may fester and grow into a big problem. What to do? As stated above, proactively bring up issues as they happen.

Myth #3: Be Diplomatic.

The truth is if we are too diplomatic, the person may not get the point and nothing may get resolved. Have you ever had someone be upset with you claiming that they told you about something and you did not do anything about it? Upon retrospect you realize that they might have brought it up but the person was so diplomatic, the person beat-around-the-bush and you missed the point. What to do? When we have an issue, yes-bringing things up in an understanding way is important, just make sure the issue and what you want done is clear.

Myth #4: Sandwich what you want to really say between two compliments.

The truth is the “sandwich method” is so transparent that people immediately identify the strategy and feel manipulated. The sandwich method is when you place what you really want to say between two positive compliments. “I appreciate how hard you work, but blah, blah, blah… and thank you for working with me on this.” Such communication tricks can permanently damage relationships.

What to do? Tell people the truth. People are smart and we are usually lousy actors. People see through us anyway, so be honest and clear. If you have issues talk about them, get right to the point. When you have something nice to say, bring it up in separate conversation or at least in a different part of the conversation not connected to a problem or something we really want done.

Myth #5: More communication leads to resolution.

The truth is just more communication can lead to wasting time and possibly more misunderstandings. Sometimes people believe and operate as if people talk about more things, that clarity will somehow magically emerge from the sheer volume of information and issues will get handled. But how often have you been in a meeting where people “talked about things” and nothing got resolved.

Consider this. If the solution were simply increased amounts of communication, wouldn’t you expect, for example that e-mail, cell phones, video conferencing to have significantly reduced communication problems? In spite of all of these extra tools now available, it seems there are more misunderstandings, mistakes and conflicts than ever before. And people still complain that they don’t receive the feedback they need to do their jobs properly.

In fact, communication technologies can also help people spread misinformation with blazing speed, sometimes with devastating results. Communication technology is not inherently bad. The way people use it is often ineffective. Increasing the amount of communication through multiple channels is not the answer in and of itself.

What to do? Instead of just increasing the amount of communication, make sure that people know how to effectively use the different ways to communicate. If learned, these methods can make the critical difference in successfully resolving issues as they arise.

Take Action

Pass this tip on to people you care about, your co-workers, your boss, your employees, family and friends. Use it as a basis to talk to the people around your office, in your organization and your personal life. Have an upfront conversation about the “myths of communication” and what everyone is willing to do differently. This way everyone will benefit from the knowledge and wisdom we all have to contribute.

About the Author

Thousands credit Steven Gaffney’s keynote addresses, breakout sessions and intense seminars with making the critical difference in helping improve communication, boost teamwork, increase productivity and generate new business. Gaffney’s speeches and seminars, combined with his print interviews and media appearances for his two books — Honesty Works! Real-World Solutions to Common Problems at Work & Home (2006) and Just Be Honest: Authentic Communication Strategies that Get Results and Last a Lifetime (2002) — have enabled him to help individuals and organizations make a significant impact. His clients include the Marriott, SAIC, American Cancer Society, American Express, Lockheed Martin, Citigroup, Raytheon, Texas Instruments, the Environmental Protection Agency, NASA and the U.S. Navy.

© MMVIII Steven Gaffney Company. All Rights Reserved.

For permission to duplicate this article in any format please contact the Steven Gaffney Company at 703-241-7796 or contact us online.

Whether you want to obtain new business, sell your boss on an idea, or even if you want something from your family and friends, remember the universal language we all speak — what’s in it for me?

This may seem like common sense, but it is usually what is missing when we make requests. When someone asks us to do something, we tend to evaluate it and consider the request based on what is in it for us. When we ask someone else to do something, we usually think about what is in it — for us. Therein lies the problem. We think about what is in it for us — even though the key to getting the things we want is to be honest and upfront about what is in it for the other person.

Want a raise? Think about what’s in it for your boss. Want someone to assist you on a project? Think about what’s in it for them. Want someone to turn in some paperwork on time, turn in a time sheet on time, or come to a meeting on time? You know what to do. The truth is that people will go to great lengths, overcome huge obstacles, or carve out time in a very busy day if there is enough benefit for them to do so.

Children are great models of this behavior. Without any training, children realize that to get what they want, they have to explain how others will benefit. Notice what children will say when they are being persuasive: “I will love you more,” “I will clean up my room,” “I will stop bugging you,” and my all-time favorite, “I won’t ever ask you for anything else.” Like children, we need to state the benefit to the other person upfront and clearly.

So, when you are thinking about asking someone to do something, whether in your business or personal life, think about what would persuade them to agree and be honest upfront with them. Think about and implement MT. SAMIE.

MT. SAMIE

The acronym MT. SAMIE stands for the seven major benefits that drive human behavior. The key to cooperation is to connect your requests to some of these benefits. The more benefits, the more likely the other person will agree and fulfill your request.

1. Money.

Money clearly motivates people. If you can show those who are motivated by money how fulfilling your request will help them make or save money, you will probably capture their attention. For many organizations, money/revenue is a primary motivator. As an employee, if you can show how your request will make or save the organization more money, you may motivate the powers that be to take action.

2. Time.

It is staggering how many people are time-impoverished. If you can show how fulfilling your request will save the other person time, you may motivate the person to take action. For example, you might say, “Boss, can you help me handle Herman? I figure this situation with him is wasting about 20 percent of my time. So if you could help me handle Herman better, I could save all that time, which would enable me to take things off your plate and save you time.” The benefit for the boss in that situation is clear.

3. Security.

People tend to search for things that will give them a sense of security and help them avoid risk. Look at what people will put up with in an effort to stay where they are in a job or in a relationship that is not really what they want. Why? Because they are afraid of risk, and they like the security. A leader can capitalize on people’s desire for security by reminding his or her staff that the best way to protect against reorganization is for everyone to do the best job they can. A manager can tell his or her employees that they need to complete a task because it is part of their jobs, and they will be held accountable. The approach may seem heavy-handed, but if someone is not doing the job, a manager sometimes needs to be just that. This is, hopefully, a situation of last resort.

4. Achievement.

Achievement is about producing results. Have you ever done something that was not on your to-do list and then written it in just to have the satisfaction of crossing it off? We like the feeling of accomplishing things; we like achieving goals. If your request will help someone achieve something they want to achieve, they’ll likely do what you want. A leader who clearly shows how the organization’s vision and goals will benefit every employee understands this. The key is not to say everyone will benefit but to show people exactly how. On the flipside, employees whose requests would help the boss achieve his or her goals are more likely to get attention.

5. Making a difference.

Making a difference is one of the top motivators for people. We all want to make a difference, a real difference. How often have you stayed at work extra hours just to help someone out, whether or not you made any money from it? How often do you donate your time for community service? How about doing big favors or something really nice for someone? We do this because we want to contribute. Making a difference for others makes us feel good. Now, oddly enough, we sometimes use this benefit against ourselves.

How? When we hide how important something is to us or the effect it has on us, we motivate the other person to continue their actions, because they are unaware of our feelings and the effect of their actions. People will often stop doing what they are doing if we simply let them know how their actions are affecting us. You might be surprised how often people have no idea about the effect of their actions. Consider yourself for a moment. Has anyone ever gotten upset with you out of the blue over something you had been doing for a long time, but they had never told you how much it bothered them?

What was your response? Probably, “Why didn’t you say this before?” Think how many times you’ve heard someone — or yourself — say, “Well, if I’d only known how important it was to you…” Someone who is missing deadlines might stop missing them if we explain the effect it is having on us. The point here is that many people would help us if we would just ask and let them know what a difference it would make. This works on the personal side as well. Ask your significant other to make dinner or take out the garbage. Let them know what a difference it would make. It works a lot better than blaming.

6. Image.

Image is an interesting benefit, because people lie about caring. People say they don’t care what others think about them, but truthfully most of us at least care about what some people think. For example, why do we have a hard time saying no to someone, even if we’re already overcommitted? Because often we’re concerned about how people will view us. And, incidentally, you should care about your image. For instance, suppose you work hard, but your boss perceives you as a person who does not work hard. Who has a problem? This is why organizations are so concerned, and rightfully so, with their images. For example, if there is a co-worker you have had some challenging conversations with, you might say, “My request is X. I have heard others comment on how much we are arguing, which is probably negatively affecting how both of us are perceived. Can we figure out some ways to work more effectively together?”

7. Enjoyment.

Many times we forget that enjoyment is a driving factor. If your request is going to increase someone’s enjoyment, you’re likely to capture their attention and increase their drive to resolve the issue. For example, someone who we find stressful and difficult to talk to is probably thinking the same thing about us. Use increased enjoyment and less stress as a benefit to resolve an issue. For example, suppose you have to talk to an employee about poor job performance. You could say, “Let’s figure out a plan to get you back on track and then we won’t have to have these stressful, upsetting conversations.” By the way, children are experts at this one. They never forget to let us know that the benefit of giving them what they want is that they will stop annoying us and that things will be more peaceful and enjoyable for you.

The seven benefits of the acronym MT. SAMIE are not about manipulating the other person. The benefits are actually about respecting the other person. Rather than complaining because someone is not cooperating with you, agreeing with you, or giving you what you want, think and talk with that person to find out what might be in it for them. If you are not sure, you can always ask.

Even if your request is denied, by clearly mentioning what might be in it for them, you send a message that you are trying to consider their interests. Some of this may seem obvious — but obvious doesn’t mean people are doing it. After all, when was the last time someone made a request of you and told you what would be in it for you? Speak the universal language of benefits. It is the key to getting what you want!

About the Author

Thousands credit Steven Gaffney’s keynote addresses, breakout sessions and intense seminars with making the critical difference in helping improve communication, boost teamwork, increase productivity and generate new business. Gaffney’s speeches and seminars, combined with his print interviews and media appearances for his two books — Honesty Works! Real-World Solutions to Common Problems at Work & Home (2006) and Just Be Honest: Authentic Communication Strategies that Get Results and Last a Lifetime (2002) — have enabled him to help individuals and organizations make a significant impact. His clients include the Marriott, SAIC, American Cancer Society, American Express, Lockheed Martin, Citigroup, Raytheon, Texas Instruments, the Environmental Protection Agency, NASA and the U.S. Navy.

© MMVIII Steven Gaffney Company. All Rights Reserved.

For permission to duplicate this article in any format please contact the Steven Gaffney Company at 703-241-7796 or contact us online.

I remember being interviewed by a writer for an article about effective meetings that was to appear in a national magazine. The writer began the interview by saying, “I don’t want any of the old standard tips; I want new tips.”

I replied, “Well, people wouldn’t need new tips if they used the old tips.” This isn’t what the writer wanted to hear, nor is this what many of us want to hear, but this is the truth. If we used what we already know, we could avoid a lot of problems — including unproductive meetings.

Have you ever sat through a meeting only to realize that the real issues were being discussed outside the meeting? Have you ever attended a meeting and asked yourself what the point was?

Many organizations experience what I like to call the soap opera effect — you go to one meeting, then miss a few meetings, and then when you go to the next meeting, it is as if you never missed any meetings at all! Just like the afternoon soaps, you only have to check in once in a while to get caught up.

If everyone was more upfront and honest, meetings could be a wonderful vehicle to accomplish our objectives and goals. It’s staggering to think of the time, productivity, and money lost due to unproductive meetings. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Here are twelve simple, honest tips for running results-producing meetings in a fraction of the time your unproductive meetings take. If these tips seem like common sense, then ask yourself if people are actually using them. The more tips you use, the more effective your meetings will be.

1. Only include the people who need to attend.

If you are worried about insulting someone who is not included, ask them if they really want to be included. Most likely, people will be thankful that they don’t have to attend another meeting and can get the information they need through other means, such as the meeting minutes.

2. Make sure attendees understand the benefit of attending.

If you are having problems with attendance at meetings, it is usually a sign that people do not see the benefit of being there, but they may not be upfront about this. Instead they may say, “I got caught up with things,” or “I was too busy.” Of course, if they received a million dollars for attending, they would have found a way. It is often a question of motivation. Here are four questions to ask yourself before calling a meeting. Do we really need to have this meeting? Could we accomplish the same results in another, less time-consuming way? If not, what benefit does the meeting give the attendees? How am I going to convince them of this benefit? The answers to these questions will help you determine what to do to increase the attendance and effectiveness of your meeting.

3. Start the meeting on time.

How often have you intentionally arrived late to a meeting, because you knew you wouldn’t miss anything anyway? Many of us are conditioned to understand that meetings never start on time. It doesn’t have to be that way. Start the meeting at the designated time, continue through the agenda, and don’t provide any reiteration for the latecomers. If anyone requests a review of the missed information, decline. This action will train the attendees that it is important to be on time.

4. Clearly define the purpose of the meeting.

At the start of each meeting, clearly state the meeting’s purpose. Also, make sure the purpose is written on the agenda. When deciding on the meeting’s purpose, think in terms of the overall result or outcome you want to produce. When the purpose is stated upfront, it is easier to re-direct those who would take the meeting off track. If someone brings up an issue that is off topic, simply say, “Since the purpose of this meeting is [fill in the blank], can we tackle that issue at the next meeting, when we could allow time for it?”

5. Have a written agenda.

I find it amazing how often meetings are run without an agenda. If you don’t have a map of where you’re going, you’re certain to get sidetracked or lost. Even if it is an impromptu or emergency meeting, you can write out a basic agenda on a flip chart or a white board. The point is to have some kind of written agenda clearly visible to everyone so the meeting can stay on track.

6. Prioritize the agenda.

This may seem obvious, but how many meetings have you been to in which the most inconsequential matters were discussed at the beginning of the meeting, while the important items got pushed back until half the room had either become disinterested, fallen asleep, or slipped out? By prioritizing an agenda, you ensure that the most important things will be accomplished first. This is also an incentive for people to show up on time, because they know the important items will be discussed first.

7. Specify a time frame for each agenda issue.

This enables you to manage the individual portions of a meeting, so you can accomplish everything you intend to. It also gives you another tool for reducing excessive elaboration or off-point discussions. If these discussions occur, you can say, “I am sorry, but as you can see, we are running short on the allotted time we have for this particular agenda item. So, in order to prevent this meeting from running over, we will need to move on. Please see me afterward if we need to discuss this issue further.”

8. Begin with a quick review of what happened at the last meeting and who agreed to do what.

Review the last meeting’s action items. Go around the room to get updates on what everyone had agreed to accomplish by this meeting (see tip 10). This clearly sends the message that you expect the participants to do what they said they would do. It also helps ensure accountability and prevents the soap opera effect.

9. Bring up any “elephant in the room” conversations.

The tension in some meetings can be thick enough to cut with a knife. Sometimes, people ignore issues, because they fear that bringing it up will have a negative effect on the meeting. However, failing to mention an issue can make the meeting leader appear weak. Furthermore, neglecting the issue leaves the door open for someone else to bring it up at a less opportune time. Proactively address uncomfortable issues early in the meeting and then move on.

10. Make sure you end the meeting with action items.

Specify who is going to do what and in what time frame. You can summarize it, or you can go around the room and let each person summarize what they are going to do by what date. This helps ensure that participants take ownership and are clear on what they are going to do. Make sure the action items have a specific time frame written down in the meeting minutes These minutes should be circulated after the meeting for clarity and accountability. Then, as stated in tip 8, review this list at the beginning of the next meeting.

11. Conclude with a compliment and/or acknowledgement.

End things on a good note, even if it was a tough meeting. For example, you could say, “Thanks for taking the time to be here. I specifically want to acknowledge those of you who shared your thoughts and ideas. It allowed us to handle important issues in the meeting in an upfront manner.” The more specific the acknowledgement and praise, the better.

12. End the meeting on time.

When a meeting extends past the time limit, attendees become resentful and stop participating, simply because they want the meeting to end. Some will go as far as withholding important information or not bringing up an important issue, because they do not want to prolong the meeting. This delay could also cause a chain reaction on your attendees’ schedules for the remainder of the day. What can you do to avoid this? End on time. If everything was not covered, you can arrange to cover those items in another setting or at another time. If you must exceed the time limit, always seek approval from everyone in attendance. Give everyone a new, specific time for the meeting to end. Even if you are the boss, acknowledge and seek approval to go over the time limit. It sends a message that you care and respect attendees’ time. This is a more effective approach than the standard, “I need just a few more minutes.” When most of us hear this, we think, we’ll be in here forever.

If you use these twelve tips, many problems that ordinarily arise in meetings will simply never come up. You don’t need to use all, or even most, of the ideas outlined here to appropriately and effectively manage group dynamics in a meeting or during a presentation. However, by using as many as you can, your meetings and presentations will produce results and achieve the goals you want — and your attendees will probably thank you for it.

About the Author

Thousands credit Steven Gaffney’s keynote addresses, breakout sessions and intense seminars with making the critical difference in helping improve communication, boost teamwork, increase productivity and generate new business. Gaffney’s speeches and seminars, combined with his print interviews and media appearances for his two books — Honesty Works! Real-World Solutions to Common Problems at Work & Home (2006) and Just Be Honest: Authentic Communication Strategies that Get Results and Last a Lifetime (2002) — have enabled him to help individuals and organizations make a significant impact. His clients include the Marriott, SAIC, American Cancer Society, American Express, Lockheed Martin, Citigroup, Raytheon, Texas Instruments, the Environmental Protection Agency, NASA and the U.S. Navy.

© MMVIII Steven Gaffney Company. All Rights Reserved.

For permission to duplicate this article in any format please contact the Steven Gaffney Company at 703-241-7796 or contact us online.

E-mail can be a terrific, quick, and efficient form of communication, or it can be horrific.
It all depends on how it is used. When people use e-mail in ways that are not effective, the results can be disastrous, costing organizations millions in loss productivity. Miscommunication and misinterpretations easily occur with each touch of the “send” button.

Have you ever witnessed an e-mail war? How often are you “cc’d” on e-mails that you don’t need to read (which fill up your inbox, causing you to miss other vital messages)? These things kill job satisfaction and overall daily effectiveness of individuals and organizations.

Let’s take a closer look at the e-mail problems we encounter and some solutions.

E-Mail Problems

1. E-mail is limited to one dimension of communication: the written word. E-mail lacks the clarity of other forms of communication — namely, face-to-face communication. We do not see facial expressions, notice body language, or hear tone of voice. So, when someone receives an e-mail, they imagine those things. If the e-mail recipient has issues with us, they will imagine the worst, no matter what our intentions are.
2. You can’t adjust an e-mail. E-mail is a one-way conversation. During a conversation, we tend to make mid-course adjustments to adapt to the other person’s reaction. We are unable to do this when we communicate through e-mail.
3. You cannot control when an e-mail is read. Have you ever had an e-mail upset you, only to read the same e-mail later in the day and discover that it’s not upsetting after all? Our moods and emotions affect the way we read things. When we send an e-mail, we don’t know the recipient’s mood. However, if we call or visit the person, we can back off and schedule a different time to discuss an issue if we see that it’s not a good time. With e-mail, you have no control after you hit “Send.”
4. People read e-mails differently based on whom the sender is. If you are having “challenges” with someone, that person may misinterpret what you are saying, no matter how accurately you wrote the e-mail.
5. Email can be saved, forwarded, circulated (to people you did not intend) and used against you. E-mail can be manipulated. We have all written things we wish we hadn’t. You can’t do anything about the past, but you can do something about the present, which will affect your future.
6. You can’t necessarily assume the e-mail was received. For all sorts of weird and sometimes unknown reasons e-mails can get lost in cyberspace.

E-Mail Solutions

1. Use e-mail for its four main purposes: to communicate information, to receive information, as a form of documentation, and for friendly correspondence. For example, use e-mail to keep everyone informed of a project’s status, to verify what was discussed in a face-to-face or phone conversation, to ask a quick question, and to say hello and to compliment.
2. Do not use e-mail to resolve emotional upsets. In other words, if you are upset with someone or someone is upset with you, do not use e-mail. Call the person or go talk to the person face to face. Given all the problems regarding communicating via e-mail, it is not a good way to communicate emotions or resolve difficulties.
3. State the purpose of your e-mail immediately. By stating the purpose in the subject heading or in the first sentence of your text, you minimize the possibility that the recipient will misinterpret your message or delete it before it is read.
4. Write e-mail as you would a newspaper article. The first paragraph should contain the most pertinent information, with details following in subsequent paragraphs. People are busy and need the highlights. They may never finish the e-mail and may miss your important information if it is buried in the body of the text. If appropriate, have a quick summary sentence at the end.
5. If you e-mail back and forth with someone more than two times about the same issue, it is time to pick up the phone and get clarification. When e-mails volley back and forth about the same issue, it is often a sign that something is going on (someone is really upset, doesn’t understand, or is being resistant).
6. A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn’t want the e-mail published in a newspaper, then don’t send it. You never know what will happen with your e-mail or who it will be forwarded to once you press send.

Remember, e-mail can be either a terrific or horrific tool. It depends on how it is used. Be careful!

About the Author

Thousands credit Steven Gaffney’s keynote addresses, breakout sessions and intense seminars with making the critical difference in helping improve communication, boost teamwork, increase productivity and generate new business. Gaffney’s speeches and seminars, combined with his print interviews and media appearances for his two books — Honesty Works! Real-World Solutions to Common Problems at Work & Home (2006) and Just Be Honest: Authentic Communication Strategies that Get Results and Last a Lifetime (2002) — have enabled him to help individuals and organizations make a significant impact. His clients include the Marriott, SAIC, American Cancer Society, American Express, Lockheed Martin, Citigroup, Raytheon, Texas Instruments, the Environmental Protection Agency, NASA and the U.S. Navy.

© MMVIII Steven Gaffney Company. All Rights Reserved.

For permission to duplicate this article in any format please contact the Steven Gaffney Company at 703-241-7796 or contact us online.

The Five Fears that Prevent Us from REALLY Searching for Honesty

Virtually everyone says they want honesty but having been “in the trenches” and working with thousands of individuals from organizations of every size over the past decade, I have found there are 5 fears that stop us from REALLY searching for honest feedback.

1) People are afraid of what someone might say. For example someone who is afraid to ask their customer or their boss for feedback on the implementation of a job for fear of unpleasant feedback.

Of course this not wise because most of the time, the reality is not as bad as what people imagine to be the case. And, if you do receive some negative feedback, at least you now know and may be able to do something about it. After all you can’t solve an issue if you don’t know what the issue is. By asking our customers, our boss, our team the difficult questions we can learn from the feedback and take the necessary actions to resolve the situation.

2) People are afraid of brutality and they mix honesty with brutality. That is why we advocate honest communication, not brutality. Brutality is name calling or blaming others where as honesty is about saying what is really going on inside of us and taking ownership that is just our perspective and being open to the possibility that we might be wrong. For example, instead of saying “How inconsiderate. You take forever to return my calls” you could say “I notice it takes you a couple of days to return my calls” In my mind I am thinking it isn’t a priority. What can we do so you can return my calls quicker?” This way you focus on finding a solution.

3.) People are afraid that honesty will always be negative and they can only stand for that to be so long. If every time someone is negative, after awhile we associate negativity with that person and we no longer want to deal with them. That is why part of honesty is to honestly compliment people. Unfortunately, sometimes people are stingy and withhold their compliments. According to many studies, appreciation and acknowledgements is one of the keys to motivating and inspiring people.

This is true even in our personal lives. A friend of mine was complaining about her boyfriend not appreciating her honest feedback about what he was doing wrong. So I asked her, How often do you say something nice? The point here is if you are always the complainer and never have something nice to say, then of course the person is going to get defensive and upset and no longer be open to discussing the issues. Make sure you honestly compliment people.

Here is the important key, make sure you do this not in the same conversation as when you are giving constructive criticism. The sandwich method of saying something nice, then giving the feedback and wrapping it up with a compliment is highly manipulative and will often backfire. So share sincere appreciations and do it as often as possible it will make your relationship stronger to whether through the difficult times.

4) People are afraid they won’t get the full story. It isn’t honesty that usually gets us in trouble it is not being honest enough. That is why full disclosure is the best when ever possible. It is the not knowing that really stresses people and causes more wondering, questions and gossip and they usually fill in the gaps with a worse version than what is really the case. So be an open book whenever possible and provide people with information about what is really going on.

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Let’s take a quick break from our email tip:

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most importantly, Steven Gaffney’s expert coaching. Click here for more information.
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5). People are afraid of feeling helpless. When people hear bad news or difficult feedback, they often don’t know what to do. That is why it is so important when you give honest feedback to also share and focus on solutions as to how to resolve the situation. Too often people have long discussions–talking about the issue, explaining their point of view, venting—but fail to spend the adequate time discussing solutions and resolving the situation. For example, a boss who has to share about some budget cuts or some layoffs needs to let people vent and then turn the discussion to “What are we going done about it; What is the plan going to be moving forward?” A side benefit if you can get people to help create solutions they will be more bought into implementing the solutions. It is ok to take people through the valley, just make sure they see how to reach the mountain top.

By understanding these fears, we are able to address them and increase honest communication so we all benefit. Discuss these fears with people you work with and in your next staff meeting. Develop procedures and systems to deal with these fears and take action.

Together we can make the difference.

Please forward and share this segment with your staff, co-workers, friends and family that might be interested! If you are interested in finding out more about bringing Steven Gaffney to your organization please contact Deatra Vailes at 703-241-7796 or deatra@StevenGaffney.com.

It likely goes without saying that 2008 may have been stressful for you or someone you know. During times like these, people tend to simply try to cope, tread water, or just wait things out. That is certainly understandable, but it is probably not desirable.

Most people will say that in retrospect their most difficult and challenging experiences were some of their most valuable ones. In fact, most people say that hard times generally produce much growth because responding to such times demands ingenuity. We all know that even when we are not responsible for our challenging circumstances, we are 100 percent responsible for our response to the challenge.

Take this opportunity to do a quick assessment because awareness is the first step to resolving any issues and growing from the experience. Reflect for a moment on the following questions:
-Are you where you thought you would be as the new year begins?
-Did you expect things to happen last year that didn’t?
-Have you put off changes that you need to make?
-Are there people zapping your energy and robbing you of what you could achieve?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are not alone. Here are 8 crucial actions that can help ensure that 2009 will be a great year for you. These actions are like flipping the switch on a train track — the initial change is minimal, but down the line the difference can be enormous.

1. Distance yourself from the dream crushers, naysayers, and negative influences. Just like we are what we eat, we are a product of the people we spend time with and the information we take in. Who are you surrounding yourself with? What are you reading? How much are you dwelling on negative news stories? There is a difference between awareness of and obsession with negative things. I am not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand. I am suggesting that we fill our minds with the influences that empower us. Take the time to clean house.

2. Let go of the garbage that you are carrying. Reach out to someone you have written off (but still think about), or to someone you’ve given up on or had some problem with. Talk to that person and do what it takes (legally of course J) to reach some sort of resolution and put the situation behind you. Ask the other person, “What would it take for us to put this behind us?” Or ask, “What specific suggestions do you have so we can resolve this?” Their input can help you create a solution that works for everyone. By reaching out and having a conversation, you are extending the olive branch. This can create a new beginning and trigger conversations and events that can ultimately change your life. Remember: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Make 2009 the year you give that gift. (For more information, check out the Honesty Works chapter on the 7-step procedure to forgive and let go of anything.)

3. Live 2009 with a long-term perspective. Ask yourself these questions: “When I am ninety years old and I look back at 2009, what do I want to say happened? What do I want to say that I accomplished?” Be clear on what is important to you, and don’t negotiate. This might sound simple, but many people negotiate things that shouldn’t be negotiable. Be honest with yourself about what is important to you in your relationships, in your job, and in your life. If you are always waiting for the “right time,” you may want to examine how that strategy has worked for you. Has that reasoning become an excuse? Time is the one commodity we can never replenish. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. Be clear, and don’t settle. And when you are not sure what to do, think about what your ninety-year-old self would tell you to do. Then take action.
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4. Find out what the important people in your life want and then do your best to deliver what they want. You can use this question as a starter: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate our relationship?” (Or “this project,” or “my effectiveness in this job.”) Listen to their answer, and then ask, “What would it take to make it a 10?” For extra credit, ask, “What would it take to make it a 15 — above and beyond expectations?” Be ready for an interesting and — hopefully — helpful response. The next step (and this is important) is to manage their expectations. I have found that people, groups, and organizations don’t often get the credit they deserve because they don’t adequately manage other people’s expectations of what can and cannot be accomplished. When we do keep our word and give people what they want, it can bring great joy and exhilaration…and ultimately everyone wins.

5. Appreciate five really important people in your life. Consider the people you have a hard time appreciating. Not only is it important to say the hard stuff, but you need to say the good stuff too. After all, who wants to be around someone who only shares bad news, complaints, or negativity? I have never met anyone who has left a company or wanted a divorce because they were appreciated too much. So don’t be stingy — express your appreciation. It is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.

6. Commit to changing at least one behavior and being accountable in a public way. What behavior of yours do you really want to change? What if I were going to give you a billion dollars to change it? What if your life depended on making this change? What if someone else’s life depended on it? The truth is that if you really want to achieve this change, you will. Make it happen. For example, if you find yourself repeatedly complaining about a particular issue and you want to stop being so negative, tell five people you are going to stop complaining about the issue. Every time you complain about it, give them each a dollar. Or if you really want to commit to being home by a certain time, tell your significant other that if you don’t make it on time, you will grant any wish or pay for a nice dinner. The point here is to send a message that your promises are not empty and you are committed to changing the behavior. Being accountable is one of the most important ingredients in lasting change.

7. Decide on your number-one goal and create a plan to achieve it.
Make sure your goal is measurable and that there is a deadline for completion. You might think this is simple — and it is — but people often neglect to set clear goals or neglect to prioritize their many goals. I see this frequently with organizational goals. People don’t know which ones to focus on, and they subsequently don’t achieve what they could achieve if they understood which goals were the most important.

8. Look out for one another. When I was growing up, I often sat alone at lunch — not because I wanted to, but because I did not know how to reach out and ask for help. Many folks now find themselves in some of the most challenging times of their lives. Reach out and make sure they are okay. Those of us who have support can take the opportunity to look out for those who do not. Just because someone is alone and doesn’t ask for help
doesn’t mean they really want to be alone. Maybe they have a hard time asking for help, or maybe they are embarrassed that they need help, or maybe they think no one would help them even if they asked. So reach out to one another. We need to stick together.

Regrets can plague us for the rest of our lives, but they don’t have to. Choose to live without regret or doubt. Don’t wait! Seize the moment and make sure that 2009 is your best year ever. After all, you deserve it.

Let me know if you need any additional help, and please share this article with others as a gift to help make their 2009 all it should be.

Please forward and share this segment with your staff, co-workers, friends and family that might be interested! If you are interested in finding out more about bringing Steven Gaffney to your organization please contact Deatra Vailes at 703-241-7796 or deatra@StevenGaffney.com.