Prevent Derailed Conversations
How to Prevent Someone From Derailing Your Conversations
Have you ever had someone say something to you that they know will bother you so as to divert the conversation away from the real issue. Afterward, you walk away and think, “I don’t think they ever addressed my original issue.” For example, have you confronted someone who has turned something in late? Instead of addressing the issue, they respond by reminding you of things you have not completed in the past. They do this in an effort to try and push your buttons so as to send conversation down an entirely different path and you end up never resolving the original issue.
Welcome to the world of red herrings. A red herring is something that diverts attention from the basic issue at hand. In communication, a red herring is a phrase or comment that sounds meaningful and important, but really just throws the listener off track and leads the conversation down a diverted path of wasted time.
A typical example of this is when you confront someone about their behavior and they respond, “That’s just the way I am.” What does that mean? The person is predisposed or genetically wired to always do something a certain way? The truth is that people can change if they truly want to. Although, often people don’t really want to do something different – but it just doesn’t sound good to admit to that. Therefore, they respond with what sounds like a real excuse…but of course, it is really a red herring.
Here are three ways you can handle the Red Herring:
1. Ignore it and focus on the issue at hand. For example if someone says, “It’s just the way I am. I am always late.” You reply, “OK. Are you going to get the report to me on time by 3 p.m.?”
Don’t allow yourself to get pulled down a dead-end road when a person uses a red herring. In the example, notice that there were no responses to the comment, “It’s just the way I am. I am always late.” There is no need to comment. The issue at hand is the report. Refocus the conversation to resolve the issue at hand. Repeat yourself if necessary. This technique is especially useful when people say things that they think will “get your goat.” Just ignore it and focus on the objective of the conversation.
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2. Question it using the Columbo method (named after the famous detective named Columbo, read more about this on page ___),”I’m confused. You said you would get the report to me by 3 p.m. Are you going to give it to me on time?” By acknowledging that you are confused, you are acknowledging that their Red Herring comment does not have to do with the issue at hand. This also allows you to restate the original question.
3. Use the million-dollar test. For example ask the person, “If I were able to give you a million dollars to give me the report on time, would you give it to me on time?” The person would likely say, “Well, yes, but you don’t have a million dollars.” Your response would be, “Exactly. You could give me the report on time if you really wanted to. So what’s it going to take so that I can count on this report coming in on time?” In other words, it is a question of desire and commitment–not a question of ability. The truth is that most people can change just about anything if they are really willing to. The question is: Are they willing?
No one can throw you off track unless you allow him or her to. It is up to you to take control of the issues and refocus conversations. You can make it happen and get the results you want by not falling for the red herrings.
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