The Key to Having a Positive Attitude Everyday

…and What to Do When You’re Upset or Angry

In today’s work world, many organizations are under-resourced and understaffed; therefore, people are over-worked. Managing our careers and remaining motivated under that sort of stress can be challenging. So, how can we stay focused and handle all the challenges that affect our attitude, morale, and effectiveness? The answer is to have an Ownership Attitude.

I used to have a television show, during which I interviewed successful people. I found that one of the defining characteristics to success is an Ownership Attitude. When this attitude is adopted, we understand that we are in full control of ourselves and that no one else is responsible or to blame for our attitude. We accept responsibility for our thoughts, opinions, assumptions, and conclusions. We choose to think and act a certain way. We may not be able to control the circumstances around us, but we can control how we respond to those circumstances.

This may seem simple and obvious, but have you ever caught yourself or someone else saying things like this?

          •        They pressured me.

          •        They made me say it.

          •        They made me do it.

          •        They made me upset.

          •        They ruined my day.

We often say these things while under stress, but they do not make logical sense. When we say such things, we are saying others control us. Obviously, this is not the truth. We are in control of ourselves. The only way that someone can ever control us is if we allow  them to do so.

In the short run, we may feel better when we blame someone else, but it is only a matter of time before the misery returns. Why? Because when we blame others, we relinquish our control of the situation. We are saying that the other person is responsible, and we have to wait for them to do something about the situation. Furthermore, blaming others can blind us to the ways in which we may be contributing to a difficult situation.

When we are sitting in traffic getting mad, who is responsible? We are! We cannot control the traffic, but we can control our response to it. If someone cuts us off and we go home with a miserable attitude and let the rest of the night be ruined, whose fault is it? Ours. The driver who cut us off isn’t even thinking about us. I once had a seminar participant challenge me about this. He said, “You don’t understand. If someone cuts me off, they make me chase them down.”

After people laughed, I said, “Isn’t that interesting? You are allowing the other driver to have complete emotional control over you.” The participant admitted that he had never thought of it that way. Of course, the truth is that no one can make you do anything.

Let us take a quick break from today’s tip:

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Now back to our tip:

The next time you find yourself choosing to surrender control of your attitude, implement the Three-Step Emotional Turnaround Solution.

1.       Acknowledge your own emotion.

When you are upset, acknowledge the emotion you are feeling by saying something like, “I am upset/stressed/annoyed,” or whatever. Avoid saying to yourself, “Calm down,” or “Don’t get upset,” or “Don’t worry.” Don’t invalidate your feelings. Acknowledging your emotions allows them to dissipate. Someone once said, “What you resists, persists.”

2.       Analyze the situation.

Instead of asking, “Why do they do this to me?” ask, “Why am I allowing this person or situation to bother me?” This is far more effective and helpful. The answer to the question may reveal a persistent fear or insecurity. For instance, if you question yourself because you find yourself getting upset with a co-worker who is not performing up to standards, you may discover that you’re afraid their performance will have a negative effect on your ability to get your job done. And that, in turn, may have a negative effect on your career. Understanding why we become so emotional often reveals more about ourselves than the other person or situation.

3.       Take action.

Ask yourself, “What am I going to do about it?” Letting it go can also be a solution — as long as we really do stop complaining about it and move on. For most of us, taking some sort of action is key. Otherwise, nothing will change and the situation will only grow worse. So if you find yourself complaining, stop and consider what you’re willing to do about the situation. You can also consider what lessons you have learned or can learn that will allow you to grow, benefit, and prevent the difficulty in the future.

Using the Three-Step Emotional Turnaround Solution

Here’s an example. Suppose you are sitting in a traffic jam and you are starting to become upset. First, acknowledge your emotions. Don’t tell yourself to calm down. Second, analyze the situation by asking yourself, “Why am I allowing this to get me so upset?” Maybe you’re upset because you’re going to be late. Third, ask yourself, “What am I willing to do about this?” “What lessons can I learn from the situation that will allow me to grow, benefit, and prevent this situation in the future?” In this case, the answer might be to leave fifteen minutes earlier and get some books on tape. This way, you can enjoy the ride and arrive at work in a good frame of mind.

By following and implementing the Three-Step Emotional Turnaround Solution, you can empower yourself to transform virtually any situation.

Please forward and share this segment with your co-workers, staff, friends and family that might be interested in the keys to success!

If you are interested in finding out more about bringing Steven Gaffney to your organization, please contact Deatra Vailes at 703-241-7796 or Deatra@stevengaffney.com.

The Sandcastle Principle

One of the Most Important Leadership & Communication Principles

I was jogging back and forth on the hotel’s beach one afternoon in Ixtapa, Mexico, when one of those life insights — an aha moment — hit me. Oh, what insights a vacation can bring!

As I was running, I noticed some children diligently building an enormous sandcastle with a bit of help from their parents. The children were clearly having great fun.  I surmised the whole project had taken hours. Later that day, I returned to the beach to watch the sunset and I realized that the grand sandcastle was gone. No sign of it remained. The tide had washed away all the children’s hard work.

The next day, I went for another run. Again I saw the same children playing in the sand.  They were laughing and seemed to be having just as much fun as the day before. There was no mention that their great sandcastle was gone. No tears of sorrow that all their hard work was washed away. No complaining about how life could treat them this way. No moping around or bellyaching about how great yesterday was. Then it dawned on me how these children could teach us all something — a very important life principle. I call it the Sandcastle Principle.

As adults, we work so hard each day, investing our time, effort, and creativity in many projects and priorities — some of which remain and some of which get washed away. But the truth is that what lingers long after the priorities and goals are or are not achieved are the memories we have of our interactions with others.  Hence the Sandcastle Principle.

Think about it. In today’s work world, we are seeing that money and employment can come and go. Fortunes may be lost, businesses may be shuttered, but what will never be lost is our legacy and the impressions we leave with others.

I’m sure if you thought about it, you could tell me who your best teacher, boss, or mentor was. I am sure you might even be able to tell me who saw things in you that you did not even see in yourself; or you could name someone who gave you a break when no one else would. 

For that reason, I have two questions for you: Who are you building sandcastles with? What memories are you creating and what impressions are you leaving behind?

The Shocking Reality

Unfortunately, if we look at our lives and the way we spend our time, most of us would discover that we spend too much of our time with people who waste our time. These people come in many forms. Some are self-righteous and not open to accepting other points of view. Some are pessimists, some are complainers, and some are bellyachers. Some are the people who love to point out why something can’t be done but don’t offer any solutions of what could be done. Some are the ones who ask us for advice but don’t use it. All are Time Wasters.

It is easy to fall prey to these Time Wasters, especially when we enjoy helping people and want to make a difference. But in the end it is always a frustrating and draining experience.

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Oddly enough, we often expend a lot of effort on Time Wasters, even to the detriment of the time we spend with people who really nurture, replenish, and enhance our lives—the Life Enhancers. In fact, we often are willing to make withdrawals from the bank of time that we spend with these Life Enhancers and deposit it in the Time Wasters. To make matters worse, the Time Wasters may leave us so emotionally exhausted that we have less to give of ourselves—less patience, less guidance, less support, and less happiness – to our Life Enhancers. Our exhaustion and frustration with our Time Wasters may even lead us to be short-tempered or rude to our friends and loved ones. It’s a trap most of us have fallen into at one time or another.

What an interesting reward system! We reward our time to those who don’t deserve it and take away our time from the people who are worth it. What a shocking reality!

The Great Switch Multiplier

What if we reversed this tendency and took time from the Time Wasters and invested it in the Life Enhancers? What if we invested that time by focusing on mentoring, coaching, and advising people who want and will do something with our wisdom, advice, and counsel? Besides feeling more gratified and satisfied, we would probably produce more results. Why? Because as the most effective leaders and managers know, if we invest in the Life Enhancers, they will pay it forward. What we give to them is multiplied because as they grow, they reach out and invest in the lives of other Life Enhancers. An investment in a Life Enhancer is like dropping a pebble in a pond — the ripple expands ever outward. I call this the Great Switch Multiplier.

I consult with numerous organizations, and everywhere I go, effective employees tell me they wish they had more face time with their boss and members of upper management. What is even more striking is how often leaders allow their time to get swallowed up by the Time Wasters. If they would only refocus their time on the Life Enhancers — those who would appreciate and make use of more guidance, coaching, and mentoring — the impact to the organization would be profound.

The Most Important Investment

 In these perilous economic times, when investments in the financial markets seem risky and uncertain, there are some surefire investments we can make. We can invest in the Life Enhancers. These are the people you want to build your sandcastles with.

Some things may be lost during this economic downturn, but much of that can be regained. Time, however, is not one of those commodities. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. So invest your time wisely.

Here are four immediate actions you can take for profound, long-term impact:

·        Distance yourself from the Time Wasters.

·        Share this article with your Life Enhancers.

·        Thank them for all that they have contributed to you and to your organization.

·        Let them know that this year they will be your  priority.

This is how you can multiply your effect and make a difference in the quality of your life and the lives of others. Implement the Sandcastle Principle and reward your time to the people who are worth your time. Then watch the results multiply in the lives of the people around you.

Please forward and share this segment with your co-workers, staff, friends and family that might be interested in the keys to success!

If you are interested in finding out more about bringing Steven Gaffney to your organization, please contact Deatra Vailes at 703-241-7796 or Deatra@stevengaffney.com.