Chapter 18 from Steven’s book, Honesty Works!

DURING THE COURSE of each day without even realizing it, we train and condition people how to respond to us. Unfortunately, we often encourage individuals to act in ways that we did not intend, failing to recognize the messages that we send through our own actions.

How are you conditioning people? Do you say it is important to be on time and then start your meeting late? Are you asking people to be upfront but get defensive when they are? If so, you are encouraging people to do the opposite of what you say you really want.

Let’s examine two common problems — missed deadlines and lack of honesty — and see how reconditioning might work.

MISSED DEADLINES
If you tell someone a report is due at 3:00 P.M. and it arrives at 5:00 P.M., would you say something about it? If you don’t, then you’re conditioning them that your deadlines are flexible and what you say is not what you mean. Over time, people will lose faith in your words and the situation will worsen.

How are you training people to deal with your deadlines? If someone is upfront that they cannot make the original deadline, how do you react? If you respond in a defensive or negative manner, your reaction encourages them (and possibly trains them) to be less upfront with you in the future.

We need to create an open environment for people to respond truthfully about whether they will achieve their deadlines. Then we need to respond in an appropriate way if they don’t do what they say they were going to do. Again, suppose the deadline is 3:00 P.M. You could call them at 1:00 P.M. to see how things are going, or as
3:00 P.M. passes, you could call them to find out where the report is. If indeed they miss the deadline, you could let them know you will have to start to document these misses. Again, this may sound harsh, but we owe it to ourselves and others who might be affected to hold everyone accountable to the same expectations.

LACK OF HONESTY
As strange as it may sound, we can teach people to be honest with us or we can teach them to be dishonest with us. This happens in all kind of ways, and we’ve already discussed a few of them. Let’s look at another scenario. When someone is not honest with us, we need to ask ourselves what it is about us that makes the other person want to hide the truth?

A manager who had been demoted took my class, and he was bitter. His whole staff, he said, never said a word to him about any problems. Instead, his staff complained to his boss, who in turn demoted him. I suggested he go back and interview his former staff to try to find out what he had done that caused them not to come to him with problems and concerns.

To his credit, he did exactly that. And what he uncovered explained it all. He learned that his staff thought he did not care about them, because he never left his office to go see them. He also learned that when they came to see him, he was always too busy and never seemed to have the time to talk.

Ironically, the reason he remained in his office and did not check in with his staff was that he didn’t want them to think he was micromanaging them. Of course, he didn’t bother to tell them that! And the reason he was so busy was that he was lining up new contracts to guarantee that his staff wouldn’t be downsized. Of course, he didn’t tell them that either! After receiving this feedback, he went to his boss and took responsibility for his actions. He asked what he had to do to get his job back.

Years ago, I was at our traditional Thanksgiving Day family get-together, and I overheard my mother say to one of my relatives that my father had shingles (an adult version of the chicken pox). It stopped me cold. Although I frequently call my parents, this was the first I had heard of my dad having shingles. I confronted my
mom and asked, “What was it about me that made you feel like you could not tell me the truth?”

Her response stunned and enlightened me. She said that I always prefaced my calls with how I was just leaving this place or going to that place or getting on this airplane or off that airplane, and she just didn’t think I had the time or that I was really willing to listen. She said my calls sounded as if I were just checking something off a checklist.

You know what? That’s exactly what I was doing. My mom was absolutely right. Now before I ask a question, I ask myself, do I really want to hear the answer? We often say we want to listen. We often say we want people to be honest but then send an entirely different message.

As you can see, there are a lot of ways we can condition others to be dishonest with us. What lessons in honesty are you teaching the people in your life? The only person you can control is yourself. The key is to take action that sends the message you want and produces the outcome you desire.

THE TRAIN AND CONDITION RESULTS METHOD™
It may be upsetting to realize you have conditioned people to do things you don’t want them to, but the good news is that you can do something about it. If you have been silent, you need to be more vocal. If you have been inconsistent, you need to be more predictable. If you have been getting defensive, you might need to apologize and really listen to and hear the feedback you are receiving.

The following five-step process, the Train and Condition Results Method™, can help shift old patterns of communication from unhealthy ones to healthy ones.

1. Take sincere responsibility for your contribution to the
situation.
For example, if your staff is having a problem with deadlines,
maybe you were unclear when you gave the time
frame. Maybe you used vague words and phrases such as
“try to” or “ASAP” or “it’s no big deal, but if you wouldn’t
mind…” Maybe you were silent when a deadline came and
went, giving the person the impression that the deadline was
flexible rather than urgent. The key is not to blame others.
This lack of blame will reduce their defensiveness, so they
can really hear what you are saying. By taking responsibility,
you will encourage others to take a look at themselves with-
out forcing them to. This will pave the way to finding a
workable solution.

2. Ask what can be done from this point forward to resolve the
situation.
People who take part in creating a solution are more likely
to implement it. If other people have a hard time coming up
with ideas, you might jump start things by offering suggestions.
With regard to tardiness at meetings, you might
suggest starting a meeting at a different time when everyone
can promise to be there. For missed deadlines, you might
suggest milestone meetings to check in and ensure everything
is on track. More than likely, everyone will have good
ideas to contribute if we just ask.

3. Decide on an agreeable, specific plan of action to resolve the
issue.
This provides further clarification and allows for a final
opportunity to iron out potential problems. In addition, this
sends the message that you are serious about changing the
situation.

4. Clearly define the benefits of change and the costs or consequences
if things do not change.
The universal language we all speak is, “What’s in it for me?”
The key is to let others know what the benefits are for them
to change. With missed deadlines, you might want to be clear
and upfront with a consequence if the problem continues
(such as documentation that would go in their employee file).
Knowledge of the person and the situation should help you
determine the appropriate benefit or consequence.

5. If the behavior happens again, follow the plan and take
action.
Make sure you follow through with the consequences you’ve
outlined. Otherwise, you will reinforce the conditioning that
you don’t mean what you say. The key is to be persistent,
follow through, and hold people accountable. This will
make it clear that you are committed to change.

Understanding that we condition people how to deal with us and taking responsibility for this is crucial to getting the results we want. If we’ve trained them incorrectly, we can always re-train them. Remember, the key question is what are we going to do about it? By applying the Train and Condition Results Method™, you can send the appropriate message, produce the change, and make the difference.

Chapter 6 from Steven’s book, Honesty Works!

HAVE YOU HEARD someone complain about the same thing so often that you can predict exactly what they are going to say? It may seem as if they would rather complain than find a solution. That may be true for some, but many complainers really do want to resolve their complaint. They are simply stuck in the rut of complaining, and they don’t know how to get out. To make matters more complex, sometimes the item being complained about is not really the issue.

Let’s look at a few examples. Someone who complains about traffic may really want flexible work hours or the opportunity to telecommute. Someone who complains about his or her bills may really want a raise. The bottom line is this — we don’t necessarily know what people want when they complain. We are not mind readers, and if we have to guess, then the real problems may go unresolved.

The following is a three-step process for resolving complaints. (You can also use this process to facilitate a meeting between people that are complaining and upset with each other.) Try The Complaint Ending Process™.

1. Listen and acknowledge the emotions involved.
When people complain, they want to make sure they are heard. Until then, they won’t be ready to resolve their issue. When someone complains, we must let them know that we
are listening to them. One of the best ways to do this is to reflect and acknowledge the emotion you are hearing from them. You can acknowledge their emotions by saying something like, “I understand you are upset/stressed/annoyed.” By acknowledging the emotions involved, you are more likely to help them diffuse and dissipate.

2. Facilitate a possible solution.
Change the focus of the conversation from the complaint to a possible solution. You can do this by asking questions like: “What do you think we should do about it?” or “What would you like done about this?” or “How can we resolve this?” By asking solution-oriented questions, the complainer can often come up with great solutions. This is because they
are the ones closest to the problem, and they often know how to fix it. Another positive result of this approach is that if the complainer discovers the solution, they are more likely
to feel empowered. Now they have a vested interest in implementing the solution and seeing it to a successful conclusion. This is not to say we should never offer our advice. Instead wait and listen until you are sure you know what it is they really want and that they do in fact want our help. If the person does not want you to help fix the problem, and you ask them a facilitating, solution-oriented question such as, “What would you suggest,” they will usually reply that they just wanted someone to listen. In that case, do just that and drop the issue.

3. Be honest and work out an agreeable action plan.
If you are not able to give the complainer what they want, say so, and explain why you cannot. An explanation is very important. This way, the person at least understands and feels respected (even if they don’t like our answer). Then follow up with, “What else would you suggest?” By doing this, you let them know that you can’t always give them what they want, but you will be honest and will remain open to discussing other solutions. If they ask you for your ideas, feel free to tell them. The difference now is that they are asking for help rather than receiving unsolicited advice. Work together to come up with a solution that is agreeable to both of you.

Let’s consider an example. An employee had been complaining for months about not having enough resources to do their job effectively. The boss focused all of her energy on suggesting ways form the employee to utilize the existing resources more effectively.
However, the employee continued to complain. This not only began to annoy the boss, it soon began to irritate the entire team. Everyone was affected by the complaining.
Using the three steps, the boss produced some great results. The boss met with the employee privately and recounted the employee’s complaints from the previous months. The boss said, “It seems as though you are upset and stressed.” (This is acknowledging
the emotions involved.) “What do you think we can do about the situation?” (This is brainstorming possible solutions.)

The employee stopped complaining, calmed down, and after a moment said, “I know we are understaffed. I have been working late, and I just want to be acknowledged for the extra time and energy I have been putting in, considering the lack of resources. And, of course, I hope that when things change, I will be considered for a promotion.” The lack of resources wasn’t the real issue. The real issue was not feeling appreciated for the extra work done and the employee’s desire to be promoted. The boss apologized and shared how much she appreciated the employee. Then they had a conversation about career possibilities for the employee.

Using The Complaint Ending Process™ won’t resolve all the complaining that you encounter on a daily basis, but it should help significantly. And better yet, everyone will benefit from the improvement.