Three steps to stop telling the worst lies.

National Honesty Day is almost here, and since the holiday is all about being honest with yourself, it is only fitting that today’s honest communication is on just that. You may think you are pretty good at not lying to others, but what about lying to yourself?

How often have you said to yourself that you were going to start a new, healthy habit and then didn’t do it? Has your inability to follow through reached the point that when you decide to do something, a little voice in your head chides, “Are you kidding? You’ve never stuck to it before and you won’t be able to this time either!” When this happens, you have told the worst lies you can tell: the lies you tell yourself. Now you no longer believe yourself.

Lies to ourselves undermine our own confidence to address issues, accomplish goals, and bring about necessary changes in our lives. They also undermine others’ confidence in us, because they have witnessed the false proclamations and undelivered promises.
It does not have to be this way. You can stop telling the worst lies of all by following these three simple steps.

1. Be honest and declare that you will change.
The ability to change always starts within ourselves. Let the people around you know that you are aware of your past undelivered promises. Others are often hesitant to bring up the subject because it could be embarrassing or humiliating. You bring it up. You mention it. Let them know that from this point forward, you will not say things you do not really mean.

2. Give the people around you permission to challenge you if they see you going back to your old ways.
This is especially important when the same people have paid the price for your bad habits and undelivered promises over and over again.

3. Decide on some consequences in advance if things do not change.
Let people know how serious you are about change by self-imposing consequences if things continue as they have in the past. You can even ask others to participate in the consequence. For example, if you have a track record of turning in late reports or being tardy to meetings, promise your co-worker that you will pay five dollars for every five minutes you are late. A word of caution here: only commit to a consequence you are willing to submit to. Otherwise you will compound the original problem of broken promises. This is not about the consequence. It is about ending the lies we tell and restoring our confidence in ourselves and the confidence of others in us.

The point is to believe what we say. The result will be soaring confidence, which will lead to accomplishing more than we ever thought possible. And at that point when you make a promise, the little voice inside your head will say, “Consider it done!”

I hope this week’s tips have helped you look at honesty a little differently and will enhance your level of honesty just in time for National Honesty Day tomorrow!

Did this tip help you? We welcome your feedback at info@stevengaffney.com or 703-241-7796.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Do not hide behind your keyboard to avoid uncomfortable or difficult conversations.

In the spirit of National Honesty Day, let’s be honest. We have all decided to send an email to deal with an uncomfortable or upsetting issue instead of having a direct conversation. Do emails really help resolve issues or confusion more quickly and effectively?

Research shows that 90% of a message’s meaning is conveyed by tone, body language, context and source; not just words. Therefore with email, tensions rise and problems escalate when people hide behind their keyboards to avoid the discomfort of talking directly about issues. This leads to distorted one-way conversations that lack the tone, context and body language that clarify messages in two-way dialogue. Thus, email wars erupt, clutter mailboxes, eat up time and thwart collaboration, morale and productivity.

Email can be a terrific, quick and efficient form of communication, or it can be horrific. It all depends on how it is used. Below are a few tips for how to effectively use email:

1. Use email for its four main purposes: to communicate information, to receive information, as a form of documentation, and for friendly correspondence.
For example, use email to keep everyone informed of a project’s status, to verify what was discussed in a face-to-face or phone conversation, to ask a quick question, to say hello, and to compliment.

2. Do not use email to resolve emotional upsets.
In other words, if you are upset with someone or someone is upset with you, do not use email. Call the person or go talk to the person face to face. Given the inherent difficulties with communication via email, it is not a good way to communicate emotions or resolve difficulties.

3. State the purpose of your email immediately.
By stating the purpose in the subject heading or in the first sentence of your text, you minimize the possibility that the recipient will misinterpret your message or delete it before it is read.

4. Write email as you would a newspaper article.
The first paragraph should contain the most pertinent information, with details following in subsequent paragraphs. People are busy and need the highlights. They may never finish the email and may miss important information if it is buried in the body of the text. If appropriate, have a quick summary sentence at the end.

5. If an email volleys more than twice, pick up the phone.
If you email back and forth with someone more than two times about the same issue, it is time to pick up the phone and get clarification. When emails volley back and forth about the same issue, it is often a sign that something else is going on (someone is really upset, doesn’t understand, is being resistant, and so on).

6. If you don’t want an email published in a newspaper, don’t send it.
You never know what will happen with your email or to whom it will be forwarded once you press send.

This National Honesty Day, choose to use email for the right purposes. If you are upset, confused or have a serious issue to resolve, pick up the phone or walk down the hall and have an honest two-way conversation. Do not use each stroke of the keyboard to brush issues under the rug. Remember, email can be either a terrific or horrific tool. It all depends on how it is used. Be careful!

Keep an eye out for tomorrow’s honest communication tip in honor of National Honesty Day (April 30)!

Did this tip help you? We welcome your feedback at info@stevengaffney.com or 703-241-7796.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Bad news about us is better coming from our own mouths than from someone else’s.

As National Honesty Day approaches and you consider your own level of honesty, you might find yourself in the “Truth vs. Lies” trap. This trap leads many to believe that if they simply refrain from lying, they are honest. That’s a great start, but as I’ve said before, honesty goes beyond not telling lies. It also requires us to share ALL details (the good and the bad) and to tackle difficult conversations head-on. These aspects of honesty are particularly challenging when it comes to delivering bad news about ourselves.

Sharing bad news is part of everyday life. The key is to proactively share such information before the other party discovers it themself. In the end, people usually find out the truth. Therefore, honest communication is critical to establishing credibility and trust with our customers, potential clients, co-workers and staff, as well as our family and friends. You can tell how open and trustworthy a relationship is by how willing someone is to share things that are difficult but important to hear.

When it’s time to share bad news and difficult information, keep in mind these four techniques for effectively delivering the message:

1. Bad news about us is better coming from our own mouths than from someone else’s.
If someone else discovers our bad news before we divulge it, it undermines their trust in us, and they may begin to wonder what else we are hiding.

2. Take 100 percent responsibility for your actions.
Remember, no one makes us do anything. We choose our actions for a variety of reasons. Great leaders and coaches take responsibility for their team’s actions as well as their own. Taking responsibility helps others receive any news favorably. Consider Ronald Reagan. He began slipping in the polls during the Iran-Contra affair until he took full responsibility. After taking responsibility, his popularity rose again.

3. Get ahead of the curve on bad information.
If the future looks bleak or more bad information is possible, find out as much as you can and share it as quickly as possible before someone else discovers it. Years ago, tainted Tylenol killed people, yet the company survived the crisis in part because company officials quickly and openly shared what they knew with the public.

4. Take immediate and widespread action to correct the situation.
People feel more secure when they hear and witness someone doing something about the situation. Unfortunately, organizations and individuals often take a reactive wait-and-see approach – only to have the situation worsen. How we respond to mistakes defines us. Consider the Tylenol example again. The company immediately pulled all the potentially deadly products off store shelves. They did not wait to be forced to take action; they proactively told the public what their company was doing to correct the situation and prevent further accidents.

No one likes to share bad information, but doing so honestly is imperative to maintaining the bond of trust. Trust is the foundation of all relationships, and honest communication is the key to developing and building the relationships we desire.

Keep an eye out for tomorrow’s honest communication tip in honor of National Honesty Day (April 30)!

Did this tip help you? We welcome your feedback at info@stevengaffney.com or 703-241-7796.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

National Honesty Day is a great reminder to tell the truth, but it also forces us to confront the ugly truth about how honest others are being with us.

National Honesty Day arrives April 30, bringing with it a healthy reminder to examine your current level of honesty. The holiday was created so the month would end with focus on honesty after beginning by encouraging lies and deceit (April Fools’ Day). The holiday challenges people to evaluate just how honest they are. Be aware, though … you may be surprised by your findings.

A survey of 1,000 adults reported in James Patterson and Peter Kim’s book “The Day America Told the Truth” found that 91 percent lie routinely. I like to joke that perhaps the other 9 percent lied when surveyed. This percentage may be surprising to some, but consider your definition of “lying.”

Lying is not just about making false statements. It also encompasses everything that is conveniently left out, avoided or withheld. In my nearly 20 years experience advising top government leaders and Fortune 500 executives on increasing the bottom line through open, honest communication, I have seen the mounting costs of such withholding.

Open, honest communication is often the antidote to the hidden costly problems that inhibit organizations’ teamwork, collaboration, innovation and growth. This National Honesty Day, try it out. Discover the opportunities honest communication brings in both your professional and personal life.

Why limit honesty to just one day, though? If you are feeling really brave, try honesty out for the whole week. In honor of National Honesty Day, I will reveal one honest communication tip each day to help everyone get the “unsaid” said. Implementing the tactics I provide will improve the results of your honesty evaluation on April 30. The honest communication tips will be posted to my Facebook page and this Communication Blog. Please feel free to comment and let me know what results you see by using the tips!

Honest Communication Tip for April 26:
Abide by the Law of Reflection

The Law of Reflection states that what we give out is what we tend to get back. You may also know this law as the Golden Rule, or by the phrases “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” or “What goes around comes around.”

We have all heard these phrases in various forms and often recite them ourselves, but what strikes me is how easy it is to forget the powerful role this philosophy plays in honest communication.

Just think about it. How often have you experienced someone who does not listen to you or is not fully honest with you? In the spirit of National Honesty Day, be truly honest with yourself. Have there been times when you did not listen to that person or when you failed to openly share with them? As leaders, parents, colleagues and friends, we must model the behavior we seek.

When people blame us, we tend to blame them; when people accuse us, we tend to accuse them right back; when people withhold information from us, we tend to keep information from them. It also tends to hold true in the positive direction. When people take responsibility for their actions, we tend to take responsibility for ours; when people apologize, we tend to apologize back; when people focus on the solution; we tend to do the same.

Abiding by the Law of Reflection motivates you to be honest with others and compels others to be more honest with you. Be honest in acknowledging your mistakes, communicating your concerns and expressing your appreciation. Doing so will encourage others to do the same. Take that a step further and really listen to people if you want people to listen to you. Listen, no matter who are speaking with.

As National Honesty Day quickly approaches, abiding by the Law of Reflection is one way to increase your level of honesty.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Fear is a normal and appropriate response to many of the challenges we face in life. The problem comes when fear becomes a reason for not accomplishing something. The reality is that we often do things in spite of fear – we ride scary amusement park rides, meet future in-laws, go on job interviews, or go sky-diving. Fear is not the real reason we do not do something; it’s just an excuse we allow ourselves to use in order to get off the hook.

For instance, fear of public speaking is one of the top fears people have. Yet few of us never speak in public! We may dislike speaking in front of large audiences, but we can learn to control the fear. Johnny Carson, Carly Simon, Carol Burnett and Barbra Streisand all had fears of performing in public – yet, they became very successful. They learned techniques to handle and overcome their fears.

The truth is that fear does not stop us from doing anything; we stop ourselves.

Here are five tips to help you gain control and overcome your fear.

1. Channel your fear into useful energy and actions.
Instead of bottling up that nervous energy, channel it into actions, such as preparation or planning. Walter Cronkite said, “It is natural to have butterflies. The secret is to have them fly in formation.” For example, if you are nervous about a job interview, write down interview questions and answers you are worried about, then practice them out loud. You might even take a practice ride to the interview site or prepare your interview outfit the day before. Do not bottle up your fear – use it.

2. Share fears out loud, then repeat positive affirmations to yourself.
This may feel odd at first, but try it. Say out loud all your concerns and fears about a situation. For example, say out loud, “I am concerned I am going to make a mistake” or, “I am worried they are going to get upset.” You will know when you are done because you will begin to feel a sense of relief. Once you get the concerns and fears out, start verbalizing the positive affirmations. For example, “I am smart enough to correct a mistake” or, “They are going to love the presentation.” Remember, it is impossible to think positive and negative thoughts at the same time. So, share all of your worries and concerns, then share the positive affirmations and watch the magic!

3. Practice visualization.
Visualization is a powerful tool. Do you ever catch yourself daydreaming? Daydreaming is visualization, and you can apply the same concept to facing fear. In a quiet place with your eyes closed, visualize yourself successfully handling the situation you are afraid of at least ten times. If you cannot visualize yourself successfully facing a fearful situation, imagine you are in a movie theater watching someone who looks like you, acts like you, and talks like you handling the situation successfully. Do this at least ten times. After you complete this visualization, put yourself back into the picture and run through the successful scene another ten times. Your outlook on the situation will change.

4. Be clear about how you want the event to begin and how you want it to end.
We tend to be the most nervous at the beginning and the end. If you are clear about these two parts, then you can always fall back on autopilot if you get really nervous. For example, if it is a presentation you are nervous about, write down the beginning and end and practice these two parts the most. This helps organize your thoughts so you are certain to capture all the points you want to make and it helps you get back on track if the situation gets derailed. The point here is to pay particular attention to the areas that make you the most nervous, which is usually the beginning and the end.

5. Play through the worst-case scenario and then the best-case scenario.
Most people think that going through a worst-case scenario will make them more stressed and afraid. Actually, the solution is to play out the worst-case scenario all the way to the end by continually asking yourself, “And then what would happen?” Unfortunately, many of us stop mentally working through this worst-case scenario as soon as we come up against our fear. Instead, play out the scenario completely, as if you are watching a movie. You would watch the movie until the end to see what happened. That’s what you must do when you envision your worst-case scenario. Most of the time you will simply discover you are right back where you started. This exercise can also help you uncover and learn from potential mistakes. Suppose you are afraid to ask for a raise. If you ask despite your fear, the answer may be no. But you may receive helpful feedback in the process, so at the very least, you now know where you stand so you can make decisions about your future. Parts of your worst-case scenario may come true, but chances are you will have learned something from the experience.

Next, play out the best-case scenario and notice how you feel. There is a lot more room for positive thought when we clear out the negative doom and gloom. If you are like most people who have gone through this exercise, you will find yourself more willing to tackle the fear, all because you have a clearer picture of the possible outcomes. Now you can prepare for them!

Michael Pritchard said, “Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.” Don’t stop yourself from doing and saying things you want and need to do. Fear is like an alarm. You decide how you want to respond to it. You can take action whether or not you are afraid. Fear cannot stop you – only you can stop you.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.