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How To Effectively Give Presentations Every Time Through Honesty

Fingernails on a black board. Visits to the dentist. Filing taxes. These activities could not be preferred to anything – except, possibly, speaking in public. Most people really hate public speaking – and often devise complex strategies to avoid it.

Unfortunately, despite the expansion of communication media, public speaking remains one of the most powerful methods of persuading, informing, and conveying messages. A deficiency in this area means the loss of important opportunities for association executives and the organizations they lead.

Fortunately, contrary to popular opinion, effective public-speaking ability is not something with which we are born, but a learned trait. If you know your career purpose, focus on the goal of your presentation, and connect with the audience, you can dramatically improve your chances of delivering a successful presentation.

CAREER PURPOSE
Helen Keller said, “Worse than being blind is to see and have no vision.” Establishing a vision is the key to understanding your career purpose. A vision is a broadly defined statement that embodies the major things you hope to achieve or for which you would like to be known in your lifetime. An important principle to remember about a vision is that it is meant to inspire you rather than impress others.

An effective tool for arriving at your vision is to ask yourself, “When I am 90 years old and I look back, what do I want to say about my life?”

For example, a friend of mine, who is a well-known political strategist and public speaker, has a vision of an environmentally sustainable civilization within two generations. He knows that by regularly doing a good job he can increase his ability to influence decisions relevant to his vision. This overall perspective gives him the energy, excitement, and confidence to be a powerful speaker.

GOAL OF THE PRESENTATION
It may seem basic, but you must focus on the goal of your presentation. What is your message? What is your point? Is it to motivate, educate, entertain, persuade, or some combination? Answering these questions will define the parameters of the discussion and help construct a speech that will yield the desired outcome.

Regardless of the topic, one must never forget that the underlying imperative is to communicate with the audience. How many times have we heard someone speak or give a presentation, where we say to ourselves, “What is the point?” When speakers lose sight of their goal, their initial energy wanes, and the speech becomes boring.

CONNECTING WITH THE AUDIENCE
Many speakers have their overall vision and particular goal, but forget to answer the question, “Why should my audience listen to me?” or “What is in it for the audience?”

An audience will listen to a speaker for many reasons – from propriety to necessity – but only for so long. The best speakers always consider the audience’s concerns, needs, and desires. When successful, the speaker can sense the audience saying to themselves “Me too,” rather than “So what?”

TIPS BEFORE THE PRESENTATION
Know your audience. Find out as much as you can about the audience you are addressing. It will help reduce the fear of the unknown and improve the quality of your speech.

Recommended questions:
• Who has spoken to the audience before? What did they like and dislike?
• What does your audience expect from the presentation?
• How will you know if you have achieved those expectations?
• What would make this presentation really special?
• Are there any sensitive issues of which you should be aware?
• What are the logistics-number in the audience? Range and average age of audience? Gender proportion? Ethnic and educational background?

Visualize yourself giving a successful presentation. Visualization helps to reduce stress. Some speakers have been known to affix pictures of themselves to a photo of a large crowd. Regardless of the method you use, be sure to focus on how you want the audience to look and feel after you complete the presentation.

Create lists. Lists can be a useful way of eradicating negative thoughts and energy that limit effectiveness and reduce confidence. Remember, you cannot build on top of a garbage dump.

Recommended lists:
• The worst things that could happen to you. This will identify the issues you fear and the issues you need to address. In many cases, writing down your fears will reveal their silliness. For example, in my fourth-grade play, during my big monologue, I started to laugh and could not stop. The teacher had to come on stage and finish my part. Because of this, I became afraid that I would laugh in the middle of a presentation. This prevented me from speaking for a long time until I realized how stupid this fear really was.
• Your accomplishments in the previous year. This will strengthen your confidence and help you realize you really are the perfect person for the job.
• Things you have not done and promised yourself or other people you would do. After you complete the list, either cross off the task and admit you will never do it or identify a date by when you will complete it. Although this may seem to have nothing to do with speaking, it is amazing how confidently you can deliver a presentation when your life is in order.

Prepare your presentation early. Finish it at least two days prior to the deadline. This will reduce anxiety and allow ample time for fine-tuning.

Know your introduction. To ensure a good start to your presentation, script out and be most familiar with the beginning. This will enable you to relax when you are the most nervous.

Overcome hard-to-pronounce words and phrases. Try reading the difficult lines holding your tongue with your fingers. Then release your tongue and say the line again. The improvement will be immediate and dramatic.

Resist the temptation to over practice. Excessive repetition can actually increase tension and often will make a presentation seem canned.

STEPS DURING THE PRESENTATION
Use handouts and visual aids wisely. They should enhance-not distract from-the presentation. Before you begin speaking, distribute materials that support major points. The material should have just enough information for the audience to follow along, but not enough detail for the audience to read and become distracted from the presentation. Hand out all other materials afterward, especially supporting information, reports and articles.

Be yourself. The reason is simple: People are best at being themselves. Imagine Matt Lauer of the Today Show trying to be like Jerry Seinfeld, or Oprah Winfrey trying to be like Larry King. They all communicate differently, yet they are all effective.

Use your nervous energy. Nervousness is not altogether undesirable. Someone once said, “I don’t mind having butterflies, I just want them to fly in formation.” Experienced speakers channel their nervousness into an energetic and animated speech.

Make eye contact, smile, and be physically close to the audience. If you like and it is possible, speak in front of the podium.

Establish rapport quickly. Employ an antidote, personal experience, or some revealing information that pertains to the audience. This also helps to sincerely acknowledge the audience for having you there and listening. Make sure the personal experiences you share are the truth. Lack of integrity is one of the fastest ways to lose an audience.

Reinforce messages and illustrate major points. Use stories and examples. The more specific and visual your speech, the better, because people think in images, not concepts.

Encourage audience participation. Use exercises, questions and/or demonstrations. Even if you are speaking for only a short time, at lease use rhetorical questions to encourage the audience to participate mentally.

Answer tough questions with questions. If someone asks you a question to which you do not know the answer, reply with a question. This will give you the time and information you need to answer.

Recommended questions:
“Can you give me some more information on what you mean by your question?”
“Can you give me a specific example of what you are talking about?

Finish at the agreed-upon time. Regardless of when you started, conclude on schedule. This will prevent people who must leave from appearing rude as they depart.
Make sure your conclusion is powerful. Ending on a weak note is like having a glass of sour milk after a great dinner.

STEPS AFTER THE PRESENTATION
Get feedback. One of the best ways to improve and grow as a speaker is via feedback. The easiest way is to provide evaluations and to hang around after you speak. Although it may be difficult to hear, the more brutal the feedback, the more you will grow as a speaker.

Mistakes will happen. Remember that only the speaker knows the script, so most of the “errors” will go unnoticed. Something will go wrong; it always does. Do not fret about it. Just be ready to deal with whatever adversity arises, no matter how big or small. Often, unplanned moments can provide an opportunity to make a speaking engagement memorable.

No matter how much you plan and no matter how great you are, after you finish, you realize ways to improve the presentation.

There is no substitute for experience. The best way to become a strong speaker is to speak. There is never a perfect time to start. As W. Clement Stone said, “Thinking will not overcome fear, but action will.”

THE BIG PICTURE
And finally, the most important tip of all: Have fun. After all, what is it going to matter in a hundred years? And remember, speakers who truly enjoy what they are talking about and relish the opportunity to share their knowledge with others can contribute greatly to their audience’s quality of life.

Steven Gaffney is a leading expert on honest, interpersonal communication, influence and leadership, and is one of the recognized authorities on the subject of honesty. He is the author of two ground-breaking books, Just Be Honest: Authentic Communication Strategies that Get Results and Last a Lifetime and Honest Works! Real-World Solutions to Common Problems at Work and Home. He is also the co-author of the book Honesty Sells: How to Make More Money and Increase Business Profits.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2010, www.stevengaffney.com.

How to Cure Them and Boost Performance, Productivity and Profitability

While working with thousands of private- and public-sector executives and managers over the past 15 years on how to increase cooperation, innovation and productivity in their workplace, I uncovered problems plaguing their organizations that stem from an undiagnosed condition … common to all … that undermines collaboration, performance, progress and profitability.

So, what’s this condition and why does it happen? I call it failure to get the “unsaid” said. And, like a chronic disease, its symptoms become so familiar we stop noticing the toll they take on organizations’ ability to innovate, compete, prosper and grow.

There is a cure, however, for companies and governmental agencies seeking to improve their health. I’ve been it work over and over when managers probe beneath the skin to identify the problems, and commit to a prescription that will get them on the road to recovery.

If you’re beginning to think some of this might be applicable to your company, you may be interested in a few insights and strategies I’ve found effective in immunizing organizations across industry sectors. First, we’ll look at the 11 most costly problems and the degree to which they hamper performance and profitability in your institution. Then we’ll see how you can stamp out their infection.

Rate the 11 Most Costly Hidden Problems in Your Workplace
As you read the 11 problems below, grade each on a scale of 1-10, based on the turmoil it causes your company’s teamwork, growth and profitability. Then ask your managers to do the same to help you discover the principal problems afflicting your company.

“Erosion Glitch”
Poorly-executed programs, incomplete projects, missed deadlines and cost overruns are a few of the symptoms that eat into the bottom line when employees don’t share critical information in a timely fashion or when customer expectations aren’t managed effectively – either because contract terms and language may be unclear or because people don’t communicate realistically about what can and can’t be achieved (often resulting in ‘scope creep’). Schedules slip, time is lost and credibility and reputation suffer. The condition only gets worse when employees don’t speak up for fear of worrying their boss or client. This hurts the bottom line, especially when contracts are not renewed and or referral opportunities are lost.

“Email Shutout”
Research shows that 90% of a message’s meaning is conveyed by tone, body language, context and source, not just words. Therefore with email, tensions rise and problems escalate when people hide behind the keyboard to avoid the discomfort of talking directly about issues or because they think they can save time. This leads to distorted one-way conversations that lack the tone, context and body language that clarify messages in two-way dialogue. Thus, email wars erupt, clutter mailboxes, eat up time and thwart collaboration, morale and productivity.

“Double Trouble”
Lack of collaboration between business and functional areas can lead to duplicate and even conflicting endeavors. Senseless repetition, lost time, internal competition and conversations that go nowhere take their toll in this unproductive scenario when different departments and people don’t communicate and collaborate on strategies, tasks, projects and activities. The problems worsen when employees work in remote locations or have generational or cultural differences. Although people may be aware of these issues, they often lack the skill and empowerment to have the difficult conversations required to get them resolved. This leads to spiraling inefficiencies and wasted resources which obstruct the organization’s progress and productivity.

“Flickering Light Bulb”
Trouble festers and clients and customers turn elsewhere when they don’t get the creativity and innovative solutions they’ve asked for and expect.

This happens when employees down the line, working directly with the client, don’t communicate openly and share their ideas or the opportunities they see with the boss or client because they’re afraid they’ll be ridiculed, that someone will steal their idea and take credit, or because they’re simply ill-equipped to communicate their ideas effectively. In turn, they present half-baked ideas (if they share them at all), which management doesn’t pursue on behalf of the client, resulting in poor service delivery and lost opportunity.

“Not Another Meeting”
Been privy to back-to-back meetings, some of which lead nowhere, have no focus, lack candor, distract staff from getting other work done, and cost in time and salaries? This occurs when objectives are unclear, real facts are skirted, and follow-up meetings – or worse, hallway meetings – are called to resolve the issues. Thus, other problems arise due to bad decisions made by ill-informed staff and lack of buy-in from those not attending. This costs the company in productivity and progress.

“Assumption Presumption”
The key to good customer service is to know your customer, yet this commonplace syndrome comes from businesses and customers “assuming” they know everything about each others’ needs and capabilities when they don’t. For example, business development and salespeople often tell clients and prospects what they need, based on general trends or customer history, rather than getting to know the client’s current capabilities, strengths and challenges. On the flip side, clients may not ask counsel about certain services and programs they’re interested in because they think they know everything the company has to offer. Dissatisfied customers, missed opportunities, lost sales and unrealized profits are just a few costly by-products.

“Muddled Metamorphosis”
Mergers and other global initiatives should be a time for innovation and growth, but often the opposite happens. Disruption and lack of communication about these types of organizational changes, as well as realignments and layoffs, lead to rumors, conjecture, fear and an ill-informed workforce. When this happens, managers speculate and make bad decisions, workers resist change and hoard information, and both may spend time making personal contingency plans rather than focusing on organizational needs. Instead of speedy and productive cultural integration, slowed growth, internal competition and diminished creativity often come with these changes; all are counterintuitive to long-term goals.

“Deep Divide”
Sound familiar? Here’s a condition that runs rampant in many companies when the business and functional areas, such as HR, procurement, finance and/or marketing are adversaries, not partners. For example, a functional office may think it should police or control certain business practices so it focuses on what can’t be done rather than supporting the other departments’ activities.

In turn, the business area may see the functional department as an obstruction and try to circumvent it rather than working together. No matter who’s at fault, wasted time and resources, and missed opportunities and impediments to productivity negatively impact the bottom line.

“Slippery Slope of Success”
Sometimes success inhibits progress and makes people resistant to change because they think they have all the answers. The problem is if we are not progressing, we are regressing. “We know what it takes to get the job done,” they say when someone makes a suggestion, or “We tried that and it didn’t work.” Perhaps the latter is true, but something that didn’t work before might work now. This complacency keeps people from the innovation and continuous change necessary to maintain their competitive advantage in the marketplace. The savviest organizations understand that it is better to keep changing and improving before the competition makes you change. Think back to the 1980s Fortune 500 list; how many companies featured then are on the list today? Less than half.

“Next in Line”
It is important to avoid over dependency on any one individual. When businesses put employee development and training on the backburner, they become overly reliant on a few executives who could leave at any time, or they avoid difficult conversations with those persons for fear they’ll leave. The question becomes how can a business develop tomorrow’s leaders if it doesn’t teach its managers to communicate effectively, give and receive difficult feedback, manage change and inspire excellence? What happens is some talented people can’t move up due to their poor communication skills, so they get disgruntled and leave, and the organization loses. Others, less talented, get promoted anyway, resulting in mismanaged resources, program execution problems and lost business. Lack of leadership development systems and accountability negatively affect growth and profits.

“Brain Drain”
The number one reason people leave an organization is because of communication issues. Failure to retain top talent and high turnover occurs when good employees are afraid to communicate honestly about their issues and needs, or try, get frustrated and give up. The result is the real issues remain undiscovered rather than getting resolved. Furthermore, when employees leave, they also take their business knowledge, history, perspective and wisdom with them and significant money must be invested to find, hire, and train new employees. In fact, research shows that it can cost 25 percent to 200 percent of an employee’s salary to find and train a suitable replacement.

Bring on the Truth
Now that you’ve identified the most costly problems in your organization and the harm they can bring, let’s look at their causes and some tools that can treat your company’s health and increase teamwork, growth and profitability.

Working in the trenches with executives from Fortune 500 companies and government agencies, I’ve found the cause of their problems comes from one major disease: the lack of open, honest communication. I don’t mean truth versus lies or what people say. I’m talking about what they DON’T say. When this is clear, the antidote is obvious. We have to get the “unsaid” “said.”

Think back to some of the problems I described, and what’s NOT being said. Clients don’t express their real needs. Salespeople don’t ask the right questions. Valuable employees don’t bring up difficulties they’re encountering. People in successful companies resist new ideas and ways of doing things. Perhaps in your organization, the disease comes from people complaining, but not talking honestly about the real issues at hand. All of these situations cripple organizations and prevent them from flourishing.

Regardless of the symptoms, the prescription is the same. Organizations need to incorporate strategies and programs to promote open, honest communication and get the unsaid said.

Let’s face it, most people withhold information in some form or another; not necessarily because they’re malicious or unethical, but because they’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, of retribution, of ruining a relationship, of a negative impact on their career or that their feedback is a waste of time since it won’t make a difference. To make matters worse, people get defensive or upset when someone gives them bad news, sending a message, “Don’t tell the truth because I can’t handle it.” Inadvertently, this behavior discourages honesty and causes the whole organization to suffer.

But all is not lost. If people are educated about the toll that the lack of open, communication takes on their organization, they can be trained to change their behavior when management provides a safe and trusting environment. And, that’s where strong and committed leadership makes the difference. When executives instill practices that reward honest communication, they empower staff, fuel innovation, enhance teamwork and boost the bottom line.

Immunize Your Organization
There are many systems and tools available today to get the unsaid said. But, be aware: open and honest communication doesn’t come naturally. Putting systems in place isn’t enough. You need to train and teach everyone to use them.

Even when people understand the importance of dealing with issues headon, they can’t do it without developing communication skills that enable them to be firm but fair, clear not cloudy, persuasive yet sympathetic. This doesn’t just happen. People need to be trained and taught how to generate consensus and bring resolution to difficult matters. Most problems start small and can be nipped in the bud when managers know how to use, promote and reward honest, consistent communication and feedback.

Notice vs. Imagine
Here’s a helpful strategy. Teach employees to distinguish the facts of a situation (what’s “Noticed”) from opinions, assumptions and quick conclusions (what’s “Imagined”). When this happens, they’ll share critical information, assess situations accurately and resolve troublesome issues before they mushroom. These outcomes will enhance performance, teamwork, productivity and, most of all, the bottom line.

Remember the “Assumption Presumption” problem? Do people in your organization imagine they know what their customers want without investigating their real wants and needs? This was happening with one of our Fortune 500 clients that was losing business, but didn’t know why.

After some digging, we found Notice vs. Imagine and the unsaid were causing the problems, and we initiated communication strategies and training that ultimately won back a huge contract, increasing the company’s profitability. This led other business areas to adopt these strategies: one became the highest revenue generating business unit in the organization and another achieved the highest engagement score in the company.

How about the “Erosion Glitch” problem? Have you ever seen a project go awry because goals were based on assumptions and interpretations rather than facts and data points (Notice)? Too often, people make erroneous and costly decisions because they believe their opinions to be truth or facts (Imagine).

The situation can also be exacerbated when members of a project team have different agenda, backgrounds and goals. Consider the experience of one of my clients. Personality conflicts were wreaking havoc and the situation appeared near futile until we put “Notice vs. Imagine” to work, giving everyone a common language and platform for resolving issues that had seemed impossible to handle. Their new way of looking at things brought clarity to the forefront and a dramatically higher level of team spirit, productivity, customer service and revenue surfaced.

Now, suppose someone in your company knows about a small, but difficult problem. He can discuss the problem with colleagues or let it fester. With appropriate training, however, he’ll recognize the need to speak up, use his new skills to present the issue effectively and gain resolution – all to the benefit of your organization.

Influence With or Without Authority
Another strategy is to empower employees to use honesty to influence situations, either directly or indirectly, regardless of their position in the company. Why? Because opportunities arise daily and everyone can contribute to the health and prosperity of your organization, especially in a fast-paced environment where opportunities are fleeting unless someone seizes them.

Remember the “Flickering Light Bulb” when employees present half-baked ideas, get frustrated when they aren’t acted on, and when customers leave because innovative or fresh ideas aren’t put forward? This is a perfect example of lack of “Influence With or Without Authority.” Look at research and you’ll find the # 1 motivator for generating new ideas in the workplace is to show they’ll be used. And so, when employees are given skills to articulate and sell their concepts, and see their ideas put into action, they’ll be more forthcoming with new and creative strategies that will better serve clients and the company’s market competitiveness.

Road to Recovery
With your new prescription for open, honest communication in hand, your next step as a leader is to adopt appropriate strategies and promote the value of honesty to employees at all levels via consistent messaging and reinforcement. When everyone embraces the concept and gets the unsaid said, a new vitality will surface and spark creativity, collaboration, greater efficiencies and growth.

Consider this from a client: “At the time, I was the executive officer of an organization … and morale was abysmally low. The workforce was fraught with ambiguity and distrust. We embarked on an organization-wide effort … and implemented Steven’s tools for honest and effective communication. The dramatic, near immediate, positive results were evident in the surge in … customer satisfaction and workforce performance.”

For open, honest communication to take hold, managers must also leave the confines of their offices and seek opinions and feedback from all departments and staff of all ranks. One never knows what you can learn from the receptionist or young star on the way up. You might also uncover a conflict that can be rectified before it explodes.

In tough times especially, executives need to practice full disclosure and transparency or there will be a considerable cost. This happened at one company when management wasn’t forthcoming about looming layoffs for fear of losing employees. True to form, when they finally made the announcement, valuable staff who had lost faith in the company left because trust in the leadership was broken.

While there will always be challenges to your organization’s immune systems, such as economic slowdowns, competition and external factors beyond your control, you must stay focused, resist the temptation to react negatively, and instead, reward honest, open feedback. With steady and consistent adherence to open, honest communication, your business can stay healthy and on the right path to achieving its financial and organizational goals, suppressing the pitfalls of these 11 costly hidden problems.

Copyright 2010. For permission to reproduce this article in any format, or for more information about the Steven Gaffney Company, please call 703-241-7796 or email info@stevengaffney.com.

How a Simple Shift in Understanding Can Improve Decision-Making and Positively Affect the Bottom Line

If only I had known. It’s a terrible thought most of us have had at one point—usually when we have discovered a big problem that started out small. The good news is most problems really do start out small. The better news is that a simple shift in understanding will empower you and those in your organization to improve communication and mend these small, lurking problems before they disrupt your business. That shift in understanding can ultimately net great bottom-line results.

I was on my way to a speaking engagement recently and carried on the usual brief introductory conversation with the person seated next to me on the plane. Since I had an extra copy of my book Just Be Honest (which includes how to handle “If only I had known” situations), I gave it to him before taking a nap. When I awoke, he told me he wished he had read the book sooner as he was preparing to announce some major layoffs at his company. When I asked how this related to my book, he explained how they had just lost a major re-compete with a long-standing client to a competitor. The competitor’s proposal had what the client really wanted, while his company had what they thought the long-time client was looking for, based on their prior working relationship. The result? A lost contract, lost jobs, and a major loss in revenue.

This story illustrates a powerful truth we can harness to positively impact our personal and professional lives. Consider for a moment how often people operate and make decisions as if their opinions are facts. The trouble is, according to our research based on more than 15 years of conducting seminars, we can often be between 50 and 80 percent wrong on a daily basis. That may be hard to believe, but the mind tends to remember the times we are correct and forget the times we are not. That means we may be wrong more often than we are right.

Think about it. Have you seen missed opportunities because someone believes they know what their customer wants, rather than finding out what the customer actually wants? Or have you ever seen project execution go awry because goals were based on assumptions rather than facts and data points?

This is a simple problem to understand, but not so simple to fix—and it’s easy to blame other people as well. For example, do you think of yourself as open-minded? How about those around you? Here is a test to gauge your open-mindedness: How long can you listen to a talk show host who represents views with which you disagree before you change the station? Or when was the last time you had a discussion with someone with whom you disagreed and came away from the conversation converted to their viewpoint? Being open-minded is much more challenging than we often like to admit.

A key strategy in solving this problem is to understand the difference between what can be “noticed” (the facts of a situation) and what we “imagine” (our opinions, thoughts, evaluations, conclusions). This may sound simple—and it is—but think how often people operate and make decisions as if their opinions are fact, or as if what they “imagine” is correct instead of discovering the truth. Once we develop a conclusion we start to look for evidence to support it, and will often overlook facts inconsistent with our opinions and conclusions in the process. The misdiagnosis becomes even more exacerbated when the people with whom we interact have different agendas, goals, needs, and backgrounds.

When we fully understand the breadth and scope of the distinction between Notice and Imagine it can produce major breakthroughs, especially in conjunction with research showing we are often wrong in what we imagine.

Check out the logic. When we understand we may be wrong, we ask more questions. The more we ask questions, the more likely we are to find out the real underlying facts. The more facts we find out, the better the quality of our decisions; the better the quality of our decisions, the better the quality of our business and even our personal lives. The man I met on the plane highlights this point. He read about this concept of Notice vs. Imagine in my book and immediately recognized what had happened with his former client. As he went on to tell me, if he had known about this he would have been able to save jobs and revenue—and avoid a lot of stress, too.

Notice vs. Imagine gives us an excellent reason to check in with others and ask questions. It reminds us to go and ask for feedback and information rather than passively waiting for others to provide it.

I heard from a manager at a large corporation who had been told to fire an employee who was performing poorly. He decided to ask the person what was going on. It turned out this person’s son had just undergone open-heart surgery. The employee had never said anything to his boss because he preferred not to discuss his personal life. Clearly, the facts surrounding this employee’s situation did not resemble what the boss had imagined. It is critical to remember that even though employees may not ask for help, you can always talk to them.

This concept has important implications for our personal lives and can be easily applied there as well. The following story is from one of my seminar participants:

“A while back, my husband and I ordered pizza. After 45 minutes we called to find out when we could expect delivery. We called again after an hour and finally after an hour and fifteen minutes, we called and cancelled our order. As we were walking out the door to go grab a bite, our pizza delivery lady showed up with our pizza. My husband and I told her that we had cancelled our order and now no longer wanted the pizza. She apologized for being late and told us we could have the pizza for free. We told her, ‘No, thanks. We decided to go out to eat.’

Vicky gave us an immeasurable gift…she gave us an unforgettable life lesson.”

It is easy to make assumptions and draw faulty conclusions based on a lack of information. Maybe someone who is not returning our calls is not trying to be disrespectful; maybe they just didn’t receive the messages because they were out of town and did not change their voice mail accordingly. Maybe they did receive our messages but are embarrassed to call and let us know they are behind schedule. Or maybe they did not do what they said they would do, and by not calling they are avoiding the anticipated conflict.

Maybe when someone snaps at us, it has nothing to do with us. Maybe instead they are having some personal problems at home (e.g. an elderly parent who is sick or a child who is not doing well in school). Maybe they are under stress or feeling extreme pressure over work issues. As a result they may take it out on us, but it really has nothing to do with us.

I am not making a judgment about the behavior being right or wrong; I am simply saying things are not always as they appear. Understanding the difference between noticing and imagining enables us to be open-minded and get the information we need.
Just imagine a workplace and home life where everyone understands they might be wrong—or is at least in need of more information. If that were the case, people would be more likely to check in before making decisions or drawing conclusions. In the absence of being certain they knew everything, people would be more likely to give others the benefit of the doubt. The outcome would be more open lines of communication, reduced defensiveness, more appropriate expectations, greater collaboration and teamwork, improved sales, and better-executed programs—all of which would make organizations more efficient and more profitable, and all of which I have consistently seen when organizations embrace and execute this understanding.

One way to make an immediate impact is to pass this article along to important people in your life. Talk about it and discuss what you and others can do. If you need help, call me.

Steven Gaffney is a leading expert on honest, interpersonal communication, influence and leadership, and is one of the recognized authorities on the subject of honesty. He is the author of two ground-breaking books, Just Be Honest: Authentic Communication Strategies that Get Results and Last a Lifetime and Honest Works! Real-World Solutions to Common Problems at Work and Home. He is also the co-author of the book Honesty Sells: How to Make More Money and Increase Business Profits.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

For more information on all of the Steven Gaffney Company products including our unlimited coaching and advising program, click here to visit our success store.

Are you where you thought you would be as the New Year begins?

Have you put off changes that you need to make?

Are there people zapping your energy and robbing you of what you could achieve?                               

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, here are 9 crucial actions that can help ensure that 2011 will be a great year for you. These actions can put your life on a different path. It’s like flipping the switch on a train track — the initial change is minimal, but down the line the difference can be enormous. 

1. Distance yourself from the dream crushers, naysayers, and negative influences. Just like we are what we eat, we are a product of the people with whom we spend time and the information we digest. With whom are you surrounding yourself? What are you reading? How much are you dwelling on negative news stories?  I am not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand. I am suggesting that we fill our minds with the influences that empower us.  Take the time to clean house.

2. Let go of the garbage that you are carrying. Reach out to someone you have written off (but still think about), or to someone you have given up on or with whom you had some problem. Talk to that person and do what it takes (legally of course J) to reach some sort of resolution and put the situation behind you. Ask the other person, “What would it take for us to put this behind us?” Their input can help you create a solution that works for everyone. By reaching out and having a conversation, you are extending the olive branch. This can create a new beginning and trigger conversations and events that can ultimately change your life. Remember: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Make 2011 the year you give that gift. (For more information on our 7-step procedure on how to forgive and let go of anything, check out the corresponding chapter in Honesty Works: Real-World Solutions to Common Problems at Work and Home.)

3. Live 2011 with a long-term perspective. Ask yourself these questions: “When I am 90 years old and I look back at 2011, what do I want to say happened? What do I want to say that I accomplished?”  Be clear and honest with yourself about what is important to you in your relationships, in your job, and in your life. This might sound simple, but sadly many people drift year after year and let time pass without really figuring out what is most important to them. Remember, time is one commodity we can never replenish. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. When you are not sure what to do, think about what your ninety-year-old self would tell you to do in 2011. Then take action. 

4. Stop negotiating things that are not negotiable. Are you suffering because you are being flexible and letting go of your standards and principles that are important to you? Decide what is negotiable vs. what is really not negotiable to you. If you are not clear, how can others be? Then let others know and take a stand. Many people get inspired when boundaries are set because clarity gives them power to focus their time and energy on areas of flexibility. 

5. Find out what the important people in your life want and manage expectations.  You can use this question as a starter: “On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate our relationship?” (Or “this project,” or “my effectiveness in this job.”) Listen to their answer, and then ask, “What would it take to make it a 10?” For extra credit, ask, “What would it take to make it a 15 — above and beyond expectations?” Be ready for an interesting and — hopefully — helpful response. The next step (and this is important) is to manage their expectations. I have found that people, groups, and organizations do not often get the credit they deserve because they do not adequately manage other people’s expectations of what can and cannot be accomplished.  

6. Appreciate five really important people in your life that you might have neglected. Sometimes we take for granted the people who are important to us.  Take time to really let them know how much you appreciate them.  After all, I have never met anyone who has left a company or wanted a divorce because they were appreciated too much.

7. Commit to changing at least one behavior and being accountable in a public way. What behavior of yours do you really want to change? What if I were going to give you a billion dollars to change it? What if your life depended on making this change? The truth is that if you really want to achieve this change, you will. So set up an accountability and consequence to insure you will make that change. For example, if you find yourself repeatedly complaining about a particular issue and you want to stop being so negative, tell five people you are going to stop complaining about the issue. Every time you complain about it, give them each a dollar. If you really want to commit to being home by a certain time, tell your significant other that if you do not make it on time, you will grant any wish or pay for a nice dinner of their choice. The point here is to send a message that your promises are not empty and you are committed to changing the behavior. Being accountable is one of the most important ingredients in lasting change.

8. Decide on your number-one goal and create a plan to achieve it. Make sure your goal is measurable and that there is a deadline for completion. You might think this is simple — and it is — but people often neglect to set clear goals or create so many that they do not accomplish any. I see this frequently with organizations that have so many goals that people do not know on which to focus. The result is they try to focus on many and often achieve little. Remember confusion causes delay and often failure. Clarity and focus gives us power and inspiration to achieve.  

9. Look out for one another. When I was growing up, I often sat alone at lunch — not because I wanted to, but because I did not know how to reach out and ask for help.  Just because someone is alone and does not ask for help does not mean they really do not want help. Maybe they have a hard time asking for help, or maybe they are embarrassed that they need help, or maybe they think no one would help them even if they asked. So reach out and make someone’s day… or year! 

Regrets can plague us for the rest of our lives, but they don’t have to. Seize the moment and make sure that 2011 is your best year ever. After all, you deserve it.

If you need help or assistance, let me know.

Please share this article with others as a gift to help make their 2011 all it should be.

First, a couple of important background pieces about people being negative. Many people do not realize they are being negative.  They often think they are being helpful, contributing, and/or “just being honest.”

Adding to the complexity of this is negativity, or having an opposing view.  This can be useful in pointing out flaws with which people need to deal.   However, if we stamp out all of the negativity or give the impression that the only opinion that is correct is our opinion and do not allow people to express themselves, we may miss some valuable information or feedback.

On the other hand, if we leave it alone, this negativity can be harmful to a team, department, or organization.  Remember, a weed in our lawn, left alone, spreads.

So, you have to make a decision. Just consider the costs.

Here are 5 things you can do to take care of and address negativity:

1.         Point it out. As mentioned above, many people don’t realize how negative they are and the effect their negativity is having on others.  By pointing it out, it allows the negative person to become aware of it.  Let them know that the big problem is not so much a criticism but the degree of their negativity (you never hear any positive things from them), and that when they are negative you never hear them suggest a possible solution.  If they do not share this perception, invite them to keep track of how many criticisms they offer in a week and how many solutions they offer in a week.  If you prefer, you could keep track of it for them. This all depends on your position.  Obviously, if you are their manager, you have the authority and responsibility to counsel them. 

2.         Use the Eliminating Complaining Advice (previously distributed) and acknowledge their emotion to help them facilitate finding a solution.  This is very important when we are in a meeting/situation where the negative person is being negative and we cannot escape. The key part of this strategy is to say, “What would you suggest?”  It is very hard for someone to remain negative when we ask them, “What would you suggest?” In fact, that question (and you may need to ask it a few times), will help take a negative conversation and facilitate it into a positive, creative, future-based conversation.

3.         Find out how open they are to seeing things in a different way.  When someone is being negative, ask them if they are willing to be open to the possibility that they may be wrong.  If they say no, or indicate that they are not willing, you may not want to waste your time.  Sometimes by asking them if they are open to coaching sends them a message to check in on whether they really are or not.  I have had some cases where asking them that very question, has them recognize that they are not open. However, when they think about it they become more open to coaching. 

4.         Allow them to express their grievance or criticism and then just move on.  This is especially important when we are in meetings and the person is not open to another point of view.  Remember that people often want you to move on and not get side-tracked and caught up in a negative battle.  After they say something negative, just move on by saying something like, “OK, our next point is…” Caution in using this tip: if other people share this negative point of view, do not move on.  Instead use Tip #2 Eliminating Complaining Strategy.

5.         Choose to reduce the time you spend with people who are committed to being negative and not willing to find a solution.  Instead, choose to be around people who have the attitude you want or desire.  It is amazing how often people allow themselves to be around people who have lousy attitudes.  You can, at least, limit your time around that person(s) with a negative attitude as much as possible.  For example, if it is a co-worker and they start complaining about the work environment or another person, excuse yourself from the conversation and share that you have some work that needs to be done.

Remember that no one can make you upset unless you allow yourself to get upset.  The key question is, what are you going to do about this?

If you would like more information, please call us or send an e-mail to info@stevengaffney.com

Spooked

Beware of the Halloween Principle

Are there life principles that you used to live by, but now you don’t? Have you ever allowed someone to spook you to such an extent that you change your behavior? It’s natural to let someone’s bad reaction derail us from doing what we know needs to be done. I encounter this reality so often as I speak with people across the country about communication issues that I have a name for it: The Halloween Principle – because people get spooked, and then they start living according to fear rather than the life principles they believe in.

The sad part is we often do this subconsciously, meaning that we’re unaware of how much a past situation is affecting our present. If left unnoticed and unchecked, our changed behavior could even alter our future.

It often takes someone to point it out before we can say to ourselves, “That is so true. I know what needs to be done and I know certain life principles work, but I’m not living that way.”

To help you see whether you’ve been spooked, let’s look at a few life principles that most people believe in but have trouble living by because the Halloween Principle has taken over.

1 Honesty Is The Best Policy

Most people I meet believe that honesty is the best policy. They may even believe they live by it. But on further examination, they don’t. When they are upset, they stuff what they are thinking and feeling and tell others that things are okay. Or when people ask them for feedback, they spin their answers to sound nice and pleasant out of fear that if they say what they really think, that person will get defensive and react badly.

The result is that people don’t get their issues handled. In our personal lives this can lead to all kinds of trouble. Spouses fall out of love and get divorced. Kids fear telling their parents the truth or just don’t feel comfortable talking, so they stop talking with their parents and get advice and support from peers instead. Good friends get annoyed or angry, drop out of communication, and friendships slip away. When issues aren’t handled in our professional lives, program and project problems can escalate into bigger problems; good employees get fed up and leave, and clients and customers stop hiring us.

Considering all these negative ramifications, why do people continue to withhold, spin, and alter the truth when they know that honesty is integral to fixing problems? After all, someone can’t fix a problem if they don’t know about the problem.

When I ask people why they withhold or spin the truth, they often say, “I used to be more honest and straightforward. But awhile back, I was in a situation and …” And then they proceed to tell me how a boss, a spouse, a co-worker, or a friend got upset when they spoke the truth and took it out on them in one way or another. No wonder people get spooked.

2 The Law of Reflection

The Law of Reflection says that whatever we give out in life, we tend to get back. You may say if another way: what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow, do unto others, but it’s all the Law of Reflection.

Most people know this is a sound principle to live by, but few implement it to its fullest capability. For example, sometimes a person chooses not to give as much as they could because in the past they encountered someone who took and took – and kept on taking until they drained that person dry. So that person allowed someone’s selfishness to stop them from giving their heart and soul to others. In other words, they allowed the person to spook them and started to live by the Halloween Principle.

On further reflection, this person may realize that we all run into selfish people from time to time, even people so selfish that they’ll take advantage of others. But that is no reason to stop living the Law of Reflection – because there are always exceptions to the rule. In general, however, the more we give and help out others – whether that’s our boss, our co-workers, our employees, our spouse, or our friends – the better our life will work.

Choose to Overcome the Spook

No principle will always work out just right. But as a whole, these life principles do work and provide benefits to us and to others. For that reason, we have to stop letting people spook us. We need to make our choices and live by our principles rather than allowing others to derail us and dictate how we’re living.

When we become aware of the Halloween Principle, it gives us the power to choose a different course of action – the one we know is right for us.

Here are a few practical recommendations for disarming the Halloween Principle:

1.            Separate:  When you feel an internal disconnect between the way you want to live and the way you currently are living, try to remember when that disconnect started. Then ask yourself why you’re allowing that situation to continue to affect you. Maybe it is time to separate from the situation by forgiving and letting go. If you can’t let it go yet, implement some practices to work on it. If you are not sure of one, contact us and we can give you some simple recommendations that produce a profound effect.

2.            Counteract:  There are several ways to counteract the Halloween Principle. First, surround yourself with people who have the attributes you want to live by. If you believe that honesty is the best policy, make sure the people around you are willing to tell you the truth. If you want to live by the Law of Reflection, then choose to be around people who try to help out and give value to others. Another important key to counteracting the Halloween Principle is to read books and articles, listen to podcasts and radio broadcasts, and watch DVDs that provide information, advice, and encouragement to live by the principles that are important to you. Remember this: insights can happen in an instant, but sustained change takes effort, reinforcement, and reminders.

3.            Model:  In the future when you encounter someone who spooks you from being yourself, ask yourself whether this is an exception or the new rule. Remind yourself that every life principle has exceptions, but overall, they do work. Choose to live your life principles – modeling them for yourself and others – rather than being controlled by your reaction to an exception. Think about the situation as a valuable reminder of the importance of standing up for what you know is right and taking responsibility for your life.

Who have you allowed to spook you? Have you stopped living by any of your life principles? Now that you are aware of the Halloween Principle, what are you going to do about it?

If you need help or would like more information, please call us or send an e-mail to info@stevengaffney.com

Have you ever asked someone something and heard their answer, only to walk away and think, “I don’t think they ever answered my question.”

How many times has someone said something to you that made no sense?

How often has someone said something to you that they know will bother you and send you down a diverted path?  For example, have you confronted someone who has turned something in late? They may respond with an excuse. This response spirals the conversation down a different path because you are responding to their criticism of you, rather than the issue at hand.

Welcome to the world of red herrings. A red herring is something that diverts attention from the basic issue at hand.  In communication, a red herring throws the listener off track with phrases or comments that sound meaningful and important, but really just lead the conversation down a path of wasted time.

A typical example of this is when people respond, “That’s just the way I am.”  What does that mean?  The person is predisposed or genetically wired to always do something a certain way?  The truth is that people can do something different if they truly want to.  Many times we don’t really want to do something different – but it just doesn’t sound good to say it that way.  Therefore, we respond with what sounds like a real excuse…but of course, it is really a red herring.

There are three ways you can handle the Red Herring:

1.         Ignore it and focus on the issue at hand. For example if someone says, “It’s just the way I am.  I am always late.” You reply, “OK.  Are you going to get the report to me on time by 3 p.m.?”

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled down a dead-end road when a person uses a red herring.  In the example, notice that there were no responses to the comment, “It’s just the way I am.  I am always late.”  There is no need to comment.  The issue at hand is the report.  Refocus the conversation to resolve the issue at hand.  Repeat yourself if necessary. This technique is especially useful when people say things that they think will “get your goat.” Just ignore it and focus on the objective of the conversation.

2.         Question it using the Columbo method ,“I’m confused.  You said you would get the report to me by 3 p.m.  Are you going to give it to me on time?”

3.         Use the million-dollar test. If you asked the person, “If I were able to give you a million dollars to give me the report on time, would you give it to me on time?”  The person would likely say, “Well, yes, but you don’t have a million dollars.”  Your response would be, “Exactly.  You could give me the report on time if you wanted to. So what’s it going to take so that I can count on this report coming in on time?” In other words, it is a question of desire and commitment–not a question of ability. The truth is that most people can change just about anything if they are really willing to. The question is: Are they willing?

No one can throw you off track unless you allow him or her to.  It is up to you to take control of the issues and refocus conversations.  You can make it happen and get the results you want by ignoring the red herrings.

Chapter 18 from Steven’s book, Honesty Works!

DURING THE COURSE of each day without even realizing it, we train and condition people how to respond to us. Unfortunately, we often encourage individuals to act in ways that we did not intend, failing to recognize the messages that we send through our own actions.

How are you conditioning people? Do you say it is important to be on time and then start your meeting late? Are you asking people to be upfront but get defensive when they are? If so, you are encouraging people to do the opposite of what you say you really want.

Let’s examine two common problems — missed deadlines and lack of honesty — and see how reconditioning might work.

MISSED DEADLINES
If you tell someone a report is due at 3:00 P.M. and it arrives at 5:00 P.M., would you say something about it? If you don’t, then you’re conditioning them that your deadlines are flexible and what you say is not what you mean. Over time, people will lose faith in your words and the situation will worsen.

How are you training people to deal with your deadlines? If someone is upfront that they cannot make the original deadline, how do you react? If you respond in a defensive or negative manner, your reaction encourages them (and possibly trains them) to be less upfront with you in the future.

We need to create an open environment for people to respond truthfully about whether they will achieve their deadlines. Then we need to respond in an appropriate way if they don’t do what they say they were going to do. Again, suppose the deadline is 3:00 P.M. You could call them at 1:00 P.M. to see how things are going, or as
3:00 P.M. passes, you could call them to find out where the report is. If indeed they miss the deadline, you could let them know you will have to start to document these misses. Again, this may sound harsh, but we owe it to ourselves and others who might be affected to hold everyone accountable to the same expectations.

LACK OF HONESTY
As strange as it may sound, we can teach people to be honest with us or we can teach them to be dishonest with us. This happens in all kind of ways, and we’ve already discussed a few of them. Let’s look at another scenario. When someone is not honest with us, we need to ask ourselves what it is about us that makes the other person want to hide the truth?

A manager who had been demoted took my class, and he was bitter. His whole staff, he said, never said a word to him about any problems. Instead, his staff complained to his boss, who in turn demoted him. I suggested he go back and interview his former staff to try to find out what he had done that caused them not to come to him with problems and concerns.

To his credit, he did exactly that. And what he uncovered explained it all. He learned that his staff thought he did not care about them, because he never left his office to go see them. He also learned that when they came to see him, he was always too busy and never seemed to have the time to talk.

Ironically, the reason he remained in his office and did not check in with his staff was that he didn’t want them to think he was micromanaging them. Of course, he didn’t bother to tell them that! And the reason he was so busy was that he was lining up new contracts to guarantee that his staff wouldn’t be downsized. Of course, he didn’t tell them that either! After receiving this feedback, he went to his boss and took responsibility for his actions. He asked what he had to do to get his job back.

Years ago, I was at our traditional Thanksgiving Day family get-together, and I overheard my mother say to one of my relatives that my father had shingles (an adult version of the chicken pox). It stopped me cold. Although I frequently call my parents, this was the first I had heard of my dad having shingles. I confronted my
mom and asked, “What was it about me that made you feel like you could not tell me the truth?”

Her response stunned and enlightened me. She said that I always prefaced my calls with how I was just leaving this place or going to that place or getting on this airplane or off that airplane, and she just didn’t think I had the time or that I was really willing to listen. She said my calls sounded as if I were just checking something off a checklist.

You know what? That’s exactly what I was doing. My mom was absolutely right. Now before I ask a question, I ask myself, do I really want to hear the answer? We often say we want to listen. We often say we want people to be honest but then send an entirely different message.

As you can see, there are a lot of ways we can condition others to be dishonest with us. What lessons in honesty are you teaching the people in your life? The only person you can control is yourself. The key is to take action that sends the message you want and produces the outcome you desire.

THE TRAIN AND CONDITION RESULTS METHOD™
It may be upsetting to realize you have conditioned people to do things you don’t want them to, but the good news is that you can do something about it. If you have been silent, you need to be more vocal. If you have been inconsistent, you need to be more predictable. If you have been getting defensive, you might need to apologize and really listen to and hear the feedback you are receiving.

The following five-step process, the Train and Condition Results Method™, can help shift old patterns of communication from unhealthy ones to healthy ones.

1. Take sincere responsibility for your contribution to the
situation.
For example, if your staff is having a problem with deadlines,
maybe you were unclear when you gave the time
frame. Maybe you used vague words and phrases such as
“try to” or “ASAP” or “it’s no big deal, but if you wouldn’t
mind…” Maybe you were silent when a deadline came and
went, giving the person the impression that the deadline was
flexible rather than urgent. The key is not to blame others.
This lack of blame will reduce their defensiveness, so they
can really hear what you are saying. By taking responsibility,
you will encourage others to take a look at themselves with-
out forcing them to. This will pave the way to finding a
workable solution.

2. Ask what can be done from this point forward to resolve the
situation.
People who take part in creating a solution are more likely
to implement it. If other people have a hard time coming up
with ideas, you might jump start things by offering suggestions.
With regard to tardiness at meetings, you might
suggest starting a meeting at a different time when everyone
can promise to be there. For missed deadlines, you might
suggest milestone meetings to check in and ensure everything
is on track. More than likely, everyone will have good
ideas to contribute if we just ask.

3. Decide on an agreeable, specific plan of action to resolve the
issue.
This provides further clarification and allows for a final
opportunity to iron out potential problems. In addition, this
sends the message that you are serious about changing the
situation.

4. Clearly define the benefits of change and the costs or consequences
if things do not change.
The universal language we all speak is, “What’s in it for me?”
The key is to let others know what the benefits are for them
to change. With missed deadlines, you might want to be clear
and upfront with a consequence if the problem continues
(such as documentation that would go in their employee file).
Knowledge of the person and the situation should help you
determine the appropriate benefit or consequence.

5. If the behavior happens again, follow the plan and take
action.
Make sure you follow through with the consequences you’ve
outlined. Otherwise, you will reinforce the conditioning that
you don’t mean what you say. The key is to be persistent,
follow through, and hold people accountable. This will
make it clear that you are committed to change.

Understanding that we condition people how to deal with us and taking responsibility for this is crucial to getting the results we want. If we’ve trained them incorrectly, we can always re-train them. Remember, the key question is what are we going to do about it? By applying the Train and Condition Results Method™, you can send the appropriate message, produce the change, and make the difference.