Are you where you thought you would be as the New Year begins?

Have you put off changes that you need to make?

Are there people zapping your energy and robbing you of what you could achieve?                               

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, here are 9 crucial actions that can help ensure that 2011 will be a great year for you. These actions can put your life on a different path. It’s like flipping the switch on a train track — the initial change is minimal, but down the line the difference can be enormous. 

1. Distance yourself from the dream crushers, naysayers, and negative influences. Just like we are what we eat, we are a product of the people with whom we spend time and the information we digest. With whom are you surrounding yourself? What are you reading? How much are you dwelling on negative news stories?  I am not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand. I am suggesting that we fill our minds with the influences that empower us.  Take the time to clean house.

2. Let go of the garbage that you are carrying. Reach out to someone you have written off (but still think about), or to someone you have given up on or with whom you had some problem. Talk to that person and do what it takes (legally of course J) to reach some sort of resolution and put the situation behind you. Ask the other person, “What would it take for us to put this behind us?” Their input can help you create a solution that works for everyone. By reaching out and having a conversation, you are extending the olive branch. This can create a new beginning and trigger conversations and events that can ultimately change your life. Remember: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Make 2011 the year you give that gift. (For more information on our 7-step procedure on how to forgive and let go of anything, check out the corresponding chapter in Honesty Works: Real-World Solutions to Common Problems at Work and Home.)

3. Live 2011 with a long-term perspective. Ask yourself these questions: “When I am 90 years old and I look back at 2011, what do I want to say happened? What do I want to say that I accomplished?”  Be clear and honest with yourself about what is important to you in your relationships, in your job, and in your life. This might sound simple, but sadly many people drift year after year and let time pass without really figuring out what is most important to them. Remember, time is one commodity we can never replenish. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. When you are not sure what to do, think about what your ninety-year-old self would tell you to do in 2011. Then take action. 

4. Stop negotiating things that are not negotiable. Are you suffering because you are being flexible and letting go of your standards and principles that are important to you? Decide what is negotiable vs. what is really not negotiable to you. If you are not clear, how can others be? Then let others know and take a stand. Many people get inspired when boundaries are set because clarity gives them power to focus their time and energy on areas of flexibility. 

5. Find out what the important people in your life want and manage expectations.  You can use this question as a starter: “On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate our relationship?” (Or “this project,” or “my effectiveness in this job.”) Listen to their answer, and then ask, “What would it take to make it a 10?” For extra credit, ask, “What would it take to make it a 15 — above and beyond expectations?” Be ready for an interesting and — hopefully — helpful response. The next step (and this is important) is to manage their expectations. I have found that people, groups, and organizations do not often get the credit they deserve because they do not adequately manage other people’s expectations of what can and cannot be accomplished.  

6. Appreciate five really important people in your life that you might have neglected. Sometimes we take for granted the people who are important to us.  Take time to really let them know how much you appreciate them.  After all, I have never met anyone who has left a company or wanted a divorce because they were appreciated too much.

7. Commit to changing at least one behavior and being accountable in a public way. What behavior of yours do you really want to change? What if I were going to give you a billion dollars to change it? What if your life depended on making this change? The truth is that if you really want to achieve this change, you will. So set up an accountability and consequence to insure you will make that change. For example, if you find yourself repeatedly complaining about a particular issue and you want to stop being so negative, tell five people you are going to stop complaining about the issue. Every time you complain about it, give them each a dollar. If you really want to commit to being home by a certain time, tell your significant other that if you do not make it on time, you will grant any wish or pay for a nice dinner of their choice. The point here is to send a message that your promises are not empty and you are committed to changing the behavior. Being accountable is one of the most important ingredients in lasting change.

8. Decide on your number-one goal and create a plan to achieve it. Make sure your goal is measurable and that there is a deadline for completion. You might think this is simple — and it is — but people often neglect to set clear goals or create so many that they do not accomplish any. I see this frequently with organizations that have so many goals that people do not know on which to focus. The result is they try to focus on many and often achieve little. Remember confusion causes delay and often failure. Clarity and focus gives us power and inspiration to achieve.  

9. Look out for one another. When I was growing up, I often sat alone at lunch — not because I wanted to, but because I did not know how to reach out and ask for help.  Just because someone is alone and does not ask for help does not mean they really do not want help. Maybe they have a hard time asking for help, or maybe they are embarrassed that they need help, or maybe they think no one would help them even if they asked. So reach out and make someone’s day… or year! 

Regrets can plague us for the rest of our lives, but they don’t have to. Seize the moment and make sure that 2011 is your best year ever. After all, you deserve it.

If you need help or assistance, let me know.

Please share this article with others as a gift to help make their 2011 all it should be.

First, a couple of important background pieces about people being negative. Many people do not realize they are being negative.  They often think they are being helpful, contributing, and/or “just being honest.”

Adding to the complexity of this is negativity, or having an opposing view.  This can be useful in pointing out flaws with which people need to deal.   However, if we stamp out all of the negativity or give the impression that the only opinion that is correct is our opinion and do not allow people to express themselves, we may miss some valuable information or feedback.

On the other hand, if we leave it alone, this negativity can be harmful to a team, department, or organization.  Remember, a weed in our lawn, left alone, spreads.

So, you have to make a decision. Just consider the costs.

Here are 5 things you can do to take care of and address negativity:

1.         Point it out. As mentioned above, many people don’t realize how negative they are and the effect their negativity is having on others.  By pointing it out, it allows the negative person to become aware of it.  Let them know that the big problem is not so much a criticism but the degree of their negativity (you never hear any positive things from them), and that when they are negative you never hear them suggest a possible solution.  If they do not share this perception, invite them to keep track of how many criticisms they offer in a week and how many solutions they offer in a week.  If you prefer, you could keep track of it for them. This all depends on your position.  Obviously, if you are their manager, you have the authority and responsibility to counsel them. 

2.         Use the Eliminating Complaining Advice (previously distributed) and acknowledge their emotion to help them facilitate finding a solution.  This is very important when we are in a meeting/situation where the negative person is being negative and we cannot escape. The key part of this strategy is to say, “What would you suggest?”  It is very hard for someone to remain negative when we ask them, “What would you suggest?” In fact, that question (and you may need to ask it a few times), will help take a negative conversation and facilitate it into a positive, creative, future-based conversation.

3.         Find out how open they are to seeing things in a different way.  When someone is being negative, ask them if they are willing to be open to the possibility that they may be wrong.  If they say no, or indicate that they are not willing, you may not want to waste your time.  Sometimes by asking them if they are open to coaching sends them a message to check in on whether they really are or not.  I have had some cases where asking them that very question, has them recognize that they are not open. However, when they think about it they become more open to coaching. 

4.         Allow them to express their grievance or criticism and then just move on.  This is especially important when we are in meetings and the person is not open to another point of view.  Remember that people often want you to move on and not get side-tracked and caught up in a negative battle.  After they say something negative, just move on by saying something like, “OK, our next point is…” Caution in using this tip: if other people share this negative point of view, do not move on.  Instead use Tip #2 Eliminating Complaining Strategy.

5.         Choose to reduce the time you spend with people who are committed to being negative and not willing to find a solution.  Instead, choose to be around people who have the attitude you want or desire.  It is amazing how often people allow themselves to be around people who have lousy attitudes.  You can, at least, limit your time around that person(s) with a negative attitude as much as possible.  For example, if it is a co-worker and they start complaining about the work environment or another person, excuse yourself from the conversation and share that you have some work that needs to be done.

Remember that no one can make you upset unless you allow yourself to get upset.  The key question is, what are you going to do about this?

If you would like more information, please call us or send an e-mail to info@stevengaffney.com

Spooked

Beware of the Halloween Principle

Are there life principles that you used to live by, but now you don’t? Have you ever allowed someone to spook you to such an extent that you change your behavior? It’s natural to let someone’s bad reaction derail us from doing what we know needs to be done. I encounter this reality so often as I speak with people across the country about communication issues that I have a name for it: The Halloween Principle – because people get spooked, and then they start living according to fear rather than the life principles they believe in.

The sad part is we often do this subconsciously, meaning that we’re unaware of how much a past situation is affecting our present. If left unnoticed and unchecked, our changed behavior could even alter our future.

It often takes someone to point it out before we can say to ourselves, “That is so true. I know what needs to be done and I know certain life principles work, but I’m not living that way.”

To help you see whether you’ve been spooked, let’s look at a few life principles that most people believe in but have trouble living by because the Halloween Principle has taken over.

1 Honesty Is The Best Policy

Most people I meet believe that honesty is the best policy. They may even believe they live by it. But on further examination, they don’t. When they are upset, they stuff what they are thinking and feeling and tell others that things are okay. Or when people ask them for feedback, they spin their answers to sound nice and pleasant out of fear that if they say what they really think, that person will get defensive and react badly.

The result is that people don’t get their issues handled. In our personal lives this can lead to all kinds of trouble. Spouses fall out of love and get divorced. Kids fear telling their parents the truth or just don’t feel comfortable talking, so they stop talking with their parents and get advice and support from peers instead. Good friends get annoyed or angry, drop out of communication, and friendships slip away. When issues aren’t handled in our professional lives, program and project problems can escalate into bigger problems; good employees get fed up and leave, and clients and customers stop hiring us.

Considering all these negative ramifications, why do people continue to withhold, spin, and alter the truth when they know that honesty is integral to fixing problems? After all, someone can’t fix a problem if they don’t know about the problem.

When I ask people why they withhold or spin the truth, they often say, “I used to be more honest and straightforward. But awhile back, I was in a situation and …” And then they proceed to tell me how a boss, a spouse, a co-worker, or a friend got upset when they spoke the truth and took it out on them in one way or another. No wonder people get spooked.

2 The Law of Reflection

The Law of Reflection says that whatever we give out in life, we tend to get back. You may say if another way: what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow, do unto others, but it’s all the Law of Reflection.

Most people know this is a sound principle to live by, but few implement it to its fullest capability. For example, sometimes a person chooses not to give as much as they could because in the past they encountered someone who took and took – and kept on taking until they drained that person dry. So that person allowed someone’s selfishness to stop them from giving their heart and soul to others. In other words, they allowed the person to spook them and started to live by the Halloween Principle.

On further reflection, this person may realize that we all run into selfish people from time to time, even people so selfish that they’ll take advantage of others. But that is no reason to stop living the Law of Reflection – because there are always exceptions to the rule. In general, however, the more we give and help out others – whether that’s our boss, our co-workers, our employees, our spouse, or our friends – the better our life will work.

Choose to Overcome the Spook

No principle will always work out just right. But as a whole, these life principles do work and provide benefits to us and to others. For that reason, we have to stop letting people spook us. We need to make our choices and live by our principles rather than allowing others to derail us and dictate how we’re living.

When we become aware of the Halloween Principle, it gives us the power to choose a different course of action – the one we know is right for us.

Here are a few practical recommendations for disarming the Halloween Principle:

1.            Separate:  When you feel an internal disconnect between the way you want to live and the way you currently are living, try to remember when that disconnect started. Then ask yourself why you’re allowing that situation to continue to affect you. Maybe it is time to separate from the situation by forgiving and letting go. If you can’t let it go yet, implement some practices to work on it. If you are not sure of one, contact us and we can give you some simple recommendations that produce a profound effect.

2.            Counteract:  There are several ways to counteract the Halloween Principle. First, surround yourself with people who have the attributes you want to live by. If you believe that honesty is the best policy, make sure the people around you are willing to tell you the truth. If you want to live by the Law of Reflection, then choose to be around people who try to help out and give value to others. Another important key to counteracting the Halloween Principle is to read books and articles, listen to podcasts and radio broadcasts, and watch DVDs that provide information, advice, and encouragement to live by the principles that are important to you. Remember this: insights can happen in an instant, but sustained change takes effort, reinforcement, and reminders.

3.            Model:  In the future when you encounter someone who spooks you from being yourself, ask yourself whether this is an exception or the new rule. Remind yourself that every life principle has exceptions, but overall, they do work. Choose to live your life principles – modeling them for yourself and others – rather than being controlled by your reaction to an exception. Think about the situation as a valuable reminder of the importance of standing up for what you know is right and taking responsibility for your life.

Who have you allowed to spook you? Have you stopped living by any of your life principles? Now that you are aware of the Halloween Principle, what are you going to do about it?

If you need help or would like more information, please call us or send an e-mail to info@stevengaffney.com

Have you ever asked someone something and heard their answer, only to walk away and think, “I don’t think they ever answered my question.”

How many times has someone said something to you that made no sense?

How often has someone said something to you that they know will bother you and send you down a diverted path?  For example, have you confronted someone who has turned something in late? They may respond with an excuse. This response spirals the conversation down a different path because you are responding to their criticism of you, rather than the issue at hand.

Welcome to the world of red herrings. A red herring is something that diverts attention from the basic issue at hand.  In communication, a red herring throws the listener off track with phrases or comments that sound meaningful and important, but really just lead the conversation down a path of wasted time.

A typical example of this is when people respond, “That’s just the way I am.”  What does that mean?  The person is predisposed or genetically wired to always do something a certain way?  The truth is that people can do something different if they truly want to.  Many times we don’t really want to do something different – but it just doesn’t sound good to say it that way.  Therefore, we respond with what sounds like a real excuse…but of course, it is really a red herring.

There are three ways you can handle the Red Herring:

1.         Ignore it and focus on the issue at hand. For example if someone says, “It’s just the way I am.  I am always late.” You reply, “OK.  Are you going to get the report to me on time by 3 p.m.?”

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled down a dead-end road when a person uses a red herring.  In the example, notice that there were no responses to the comment, “It’s just the way I am.  I am always late.”  There is no need to comment.  The issue at hand is the report.  Refocus the conversation to resolve the issue at hand.  Repeat yourself if necessary. This technique is especially useful when people say things that they think will “get your goat.” Just ignore it and focus on the objective of the conversation.

2.         Question it using the Columbo method ,“I’m confused.  You said you would get the report to me by 3 p.m.  Are you going to give it to me on time?”

3.         Use the million-dollar test. If you asked the person, “If I were able to give you a million dollars to give me the report on time, would you give it to me on time?”  The person would likely say, “Well, yes, but you don’t have a million dollars.”  Your response would be, “Exactly.  You could give me the report on time if you wanted to. So what’s it going to take so that I can count on this report coming in on time?” In other words, it is a question of desire and commitment–not a question of ability. The truth is that most people can change just about anything if they are really willing to. The question is: Are they willing?

No one can throw you off track unless you allow him or her to.  It is up to you to take control of the issues and refocus conversations.  You can make it happen and get the results you want by ignoring the red herrings.

Chapter 18 from Steven’s book, Honesty Works!

DURING THE COURSE of each day without even realizing it, we train and condition people how to respond to us. Unfortunately, we often encourage individuals to act in ways that we did not intend, failing to recognize the messages that we send through our own actions.

How are you conditioning people? Do you say it is important to be on time and then start your meeting late? Are you asking people to be upfront but get defensive when they are? If so, you are encouraging people to do the opposite of what you say you really want.

Let’s examine two common problems — missed deadlines and lack of honesty — and see how reconditioning might work.

MISSED DEADLINES
If you tell someone a report is due at 3:00 P.M. and it arrives at 5:00 P.M., would you say something about it? If you don’t, then you’re conditioning them that your deadlines are flexible and what you say is not what you mean. Over time, people will lose faith in your words and the situation will worsen.

How are you training people to deal with your deadlines? If someone is upfront that they cannot make the original deadline, how do you react? If you respond in a defensive or negative manner, your reaction encourages them (and possibly trains them) to be less upfront with you in the future.

We need to create an open environment for people to respond truthfully about whether they will achieve their deadlines. Then we need to respond in an appropriate way if they don’t do what they say they were going to do. Again, suppose the deadline is 3:00 P.M. You could call them at 1:00 P.M. to see how things are going, or as
3:00 P.M. passes, you could call them to find out where the report is. If indeed they miss the deadline, you could let them know you will have to start to document these misses. Again, this may sound harsh, but we owe it to ourselves and others who might be affected to hold everyone accountable to the same expectations.

LACK OF HONESTY
As strange as it may sound, we can teach people to be honest with us or we can teach them to be dishonest with us. This happens in all kind of ways, and we’ve already discussed a few of them. Let’s look at another scenario. When someone is not honest with us, we need to ask ourselves what it is about us that makes the other person want to hide the truth?

A manager who had been demoted took my class, and he was bitter. His whole staff, he said, never said a word to him about any problems. Instead, his staff complained to his boss, who in turn demoted him. I suggested he go back and interview his former staff to try to find out what he had done that caused them not to come to him with problems and concerns.

To his credit, he did exactly that. And what he uncovered explained it all. He learned that his staff thought he did not care about them, because he never left his office to go see them. He also learned that when they came to see him, he was always too busy and never seemed to have the time to talk.

Ironically, the reason he remained in his office and did not check in with his staff was that he didn’t want them to think he was micromanaging them. Of course, he didn’t bother to tell them that! And the reason he was so busy was that he was lining up new contracts to guarantee that his staff wouldn’t be downsized. Of course, he didn’t tell them that either! After receiving this feedback, he went to his boss and took responsibility for his actions. He asked what he had to do to get his job back.

Years ago, I was at our traditional Thanksgiving Day family get-together, and I overheard my mother say to one of my relatives that my father had shingles (an adult version of the chicken pox). It stopped me cold. Although I frequently call my parents, this was the first I had heard of my dad having shingles. I confronted my
mom and asked, “What was it about me that made you feel like you could not tell me the truth?”

Her response stunned and enlightened me. She said that I always prefaced my calls with how I was just leaving this place or going to that place or getting on this airplane or off that airplane, and she just didn’t think I had the time or that I was really willing to listen. She said my calls sounded as if I were just checking something off a checklist.

You know what? That’s exactly what I was doing. My mom was absolutely right. Now before I ask a question, I ask myself, do I really want to hear the answer? We often say we want to listen. We often say we want people to be honest but then send an entirely different message.

As you can see, there are a lot of ways we can condition others to be dishonest with us. What lessons in honesty are you teaching the people in your life? The only person you can control is yourself. The key is to take action that sends the message you want and produces the outcome you desire.

THE TRAIN AND CONDITION RESULTS METHOD™
It may be upsetting to realize you have conditioned people to do things you don’t want them to, but the good news is that you can do something about it. If you have been silent, you need to be more vocal. If you have been inconsistent, you need to be more predictable. If you have been getting defensive, you might need to apologize and really listen to and hear the feedback you are receiving.

The following five-step process, the Train and Condition Results Method™, can help shift old patterns of communication from unhealthy ones to healthy ones.

1. Take sincere responsibility for your contribution to the
situation.
For example, if your staff is having a problem with deadlines,
maybe you were unclear when you gave the time
frame. Maybe you used vague words and phrases such as
“try to” or “ASAP” or “it’s no big deal, but if you wouldn’t
mind…” Maybe you were silent when a deadline came and
went, giving the person the impression that the deadline was
flexible rather than urgent. The key is not to blame others.
This lack of blame will reduce their defensiveness, so they
can really hear what you are saying. By taking responsibility,
you will encourage others to take a look at themselves with-
out forcing them to. This will pave the way to finding a
workable solution.

2. Ask what can be done from this point forward to resolve the
situation.
People who take part in creating a solution are more likely
to implement it. If other people have a hard time coming up
with ideas, you might jump start things by offering suggestions.
With regard to tardiness at meetings, you might
suggest starting a meeting at a different time when everyone
can promise to be there. For missed deadlines, you might
suggest milestone meetings to check in and ensure everything
is on track. More than likely, everyone will have good
ideas to contribute if we just ask.

3. Decide on an agreeable, specific plan of action to resolve the
issue.
This provides further clarification and allows for a final
opportunity to iron out potential problems. In addition, this
sends the message that you are serious about changing the
situation.

4. Clearly define the benefits of change and the costs or consequences
if things do not change.
The universal language we all speak is, “What’s in it for me?”
The key is to let others know what the benefits are for them
to change. With missed deadlines, you might want to be clear
and upfront with a consequence if the problem continues
(such as documentation that would go in their employee file).
Knowledge of the person and the situation should help you
determine the appropriate benefit or consequence.

5. If the behavior happens again, follow the plan and take
action.
Make sure you follow through with the consequences you’ve
outlined. Otherwise, you will reinforce the conditioning that
you don’t mean what you say. The key is to be persistent,
follow through, and hold people accountable. This will
make it clear that you are committed to change.

Understanding that we condition people how to deal with us and taking responsibility for this is crucial to getting the results we want. If we’ve trained them incorrectly, we can always re-train them. Remember, the key question is what are we going to do about it? By applying the Train and Condition Results Method™, you can send the appropriate message, produce the change, and make the difference.

Chapter 6 from Steven’s book, Honesty Works!

HAVE YOU HEARD someone complain about the same thing so often that you can predict exactly what they are going to say? It may seem as if they would rather complain than find a solution. That may be true for some, but many complainers really do want to resolve their complaint. They are simply stuck in the rut of complaining, and they don’t know how to get out. To make matters more complex, sometimes the item being complained about is not really the issue.

Let’s look at a few examples. Someone who complains about traffic may really want flexible work hours or the opportunity to telecommute. Someone who complains about his or her bills may really want a raise. The bottom line is this — we don’t necessarily know what people want when they complain. We are not mind readers, and if we have to guess, then the real problems may go unresolved.

The following is a three-step process for resolving complaints. (You can also use this process to facilitate a meeting between people that are complaining and upset with each other.) Try The Complaint Ending Process™.

1. Listen and acknowledge the emotions involved.
When people complain, they want to make sure they are heard. Until then, they won’t be ready to resolve their issue. When someone complains, we must let them know that we
are listening to them. One of the best ways to do this is to reflect and acknowledge the emotion you are hearing from them. You can acknowledge their emotions by saying something like, “I understand you are upset/stressed/annoyed.” By acknowledging the emotions involved, you are more likely to help them diffuse and dissipate.

2. Facilitate a possible solution.
Change the focus of the conversation from the complaint to a possible solution. You can do this by asking questions like: “What do you think we should do about it?” or “What would you like done about this?” or “How can we resolve this?” By asking solution-oriented questions, the complainer can often come up with great solutions. This is because they
are the ones closest to the problem, and they often know how to fix it. Another positive result of this approach is that if the complainer discovers the solution, they are more likely
to feel empowered. Now they have a vested interest in implementing the solution and seeing it to a successful conclusion. This is not to say we should never offer our advice. Instead wait and listen until you are sure you know what it is they really want and that they do in fact want our help. If the person does not want you to help fix the problem, and you ask them a facilitating, solution-oriented question such as, “What would you suggest,” they will usually reply that they just wanted someone to listen. In that case, do just that and drop the issue.

3. Be honest and work out an agreeable action plan.
If you are not able to give the complainer what they want, say so, and explain why you cannot. An explanation is very important. This way, the person at least understands and feels respected (even if they don’t like our answer). Then follow up with, “What else would you suggest?” By doing this, you let them know that you can’t always give them what they want, but you will be honest and will remain open to discussing other solutions. If they ask you for your ideas, feel free to tell them. The difference now is that they are asking for help rather than receiving unsolicited advice. Work together to come up with a solution that is agreeable to both of you.

Let’s consider an example. An employee had been complaining for months about not having enough resources to do their job effectively. The boss focused all of her energy on suggesting ways form the employee to utilize the existing resources more effectively.
However, the employee continued to complain. This not only began to annoy the boss, it soon began to irritate the entire team. Everyone was affected by the complaining.
Using the three steps, the boss produced some great results. The boss met with the employee privately and recounted the employee’s complaints from the previous months. The boss said, “It seems as though you are upset and stressed.” (This is acknowledging
the emotions involved.) “What do you think we can do about the situation?” (This is brainstorming possible solutions.)

The employee stopped complaining, calmed down, and after a moment said, “I know we are understaffed. I have been working late, and I just want to be acknowledged for the extra time and energy I have been putting in, considering the lack of resources. And, of course, I hope that when things change, I will be considered for a promotion.” The lack of resources wasn’t the real issue. The real issue was not feeling appreciated for the extra work done and the employee’s desire to be promoted. The boss apologized and shared how much she appreciated the employee. Then they had a conversation about career possibilities for the employee.

Using The Complaint Ending Process™ won’t resolve all the complaining that you encounter on a daily basis, but it should help significantly. And better yet, everyone will benefit from the improvement.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEW…

8 Lessons that enhanced my life

The following article was taken from a speech I gave at Penn State University’s “Relay for Life” Cancer Foundation benefit on April 9, 2010.

It was 9:00am on April 13, 2009. I was healthy. Or so I thought. By lunch time I was not healthy. The roller coaster of life was about to take some major turns …

I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The doctor gave me an interesting perspective when he said, “If you have to have cancer, testicular cancer is a good one to have. It’s virtually 100% curable.”

On one hand, I felt extremely fortunate and relieved of the prognosis. However, on the other hand,  I was shocked. I had the BIG ‘C’.   Several thoughts ran through my head:
“Oh my God! This can’t be happening to me.”
“I never get sick.”
“No one in my family has had it.”
“Why me?”
Then I felt guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I tried to “motivational speak” myself into sucking it up and dealing with it.

Let’s fast forward to the end of this story. I was fortunate. My doctors caught it early. I had an operation. I went through nine weeks of chemotherapy treatment. And as of today – just as my doctor predicted – I have a clean bill of health. While the BIG ‘C’ is gone, I have learned invaluable lessons that will stay with me forever.

Truth be told – before April 13th, 2009 – I lived like the Teflon Man. I had heard of many tough situations – health challenges, people passing, tough breakups, financial worries, and more – and thought, “Wow. That situation is so awful; so challenging. I feel so sad for that person.” But, after some time, I wouldn’t think too much about the situation and would continue on with my life.

On April 13th, 2009, the Teflon came off. And what stuck, changed my life. I’ve outlined the lessons I learned from my experience. I truly hope these lessons will help you as you deal with life challenges.

Lesson 1:  The worst lies you ever tell are the lies you tell yourself.
I have been teaching strategies on how to use honesty to resolve issues and conflicts. As I reflect on my experiences, it took that single day in April for me to shed the Teflon and really be honest with myself.

Yes – I’m the president of my own company, an author of three books, and for fifteen years, a professional speaker who teaches people to use honest communication.  But, yet, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I had not been honest with myself.  I had been wasting time – years – thinking I needed to pay my dues before I could take the time to sit back and enjoy my life. I thought I could compensate for the time I was giving up. In other words, I thought that one day, it would all pay off. I always thought:
“One day,  I will spend more time with my loved ones.”
“One day, I will start a family.”
“One day, I will travel around the world.”
It was as if someone was keeping a ledger on my life. If I made enough deposits I could always cash it in later and reap the rewards – the other aspects of my life that I was missing.

Although the doctor did say my prognosis was virtually one hundred percent curable, I couldn’t help but think:
“What if that one day of pay off never comes?”
“What if it’s too late for my ‘I will do it later’ mentality?”
“What if those days to make good never come?”
Honestly, I was living as if time was in endless supply of time even though I knew the fragility of health and life. I realized that I just didn’t get it. 

Before my diagnosis, I was living as if others would be around when I was ready  to enjoy them … you know, when I fulfilled the goals I was working towards. I felt silly and selfish for thinking this. After all, if I could have something like the BIG ‘C’, others could have a lot worse. And the sad truth was, at least in some respects, it actually was too late. Some people were gone. It was too late to enjoy them. I missed the opportunity. Friends have moved on and were gone. My grandparents and several relatives were gone.  Vanished. Done.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to start living your life, make that one day be TODAY!

Lesson 2: Be responsible for what you say. 
I would like to say that everything that came out of my mouth during this time was positive. But, alas, that would not be true. I made many mistakes in how I handled this situation. For example, after I had the realization of the number of doctor visits and potential issues that I might have to deal with, I was on the phone with a friend and made a flip, insensitive remark:
“Maybe I will just get hit by a bus. And then I won’t have to deal with all of this.”
I hung up the phone only to hear my girlfriend – now fiancée – who was in the next room, start crying and say, “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”  Ugh!! Note to self: Don’t be selfish. Be responsible for what you say.

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Lesson 3: In the absence of data, people make things up.
I knew if I withheld information about my cancer to my family and friends, they might make things up and would probably worry more. I decided to be as open as possible so they would be less likely to fill in the gaps.

I used this principle on myself. I realized that the Internet can be a great source of information. I also realized that it can be a source of misinformation and misinterpretation. When I did not know something, I stopped the speculation, guessing, and assumptions. Instead, I searched for someone ‘in the know’ who could answer my questions. 

Lesson 4: When people are afraid they say and do silly things.
Chances are, when bad things happen, people don’t know what to say. So, often, they just don’t say anything.  At first I was hurt until I realized that there were times in my life that I had done exactly the same thing to other people.

Others did say things, but what they said did not always come out exactly right.  For example, some people shared about how I didn’t take care of myself or how I work too hard. In essence, they were saying – without coming right out – that somehow I brought this on myself. I wasn’t upset by this. I realized they were trying to rationalize how they could prevent this from happening to them. They were just afraid. 

Some reacted to my situation by expressing their own worries. Or, I’d hear cancer horror stories they had heard. Others launched into “fix it” mode and started to lecture me on what I needed to do and how to eat better. Instead of wishing the situation were different, I took control of these conversations and simply responded with: “I understand.” And then, I redirected the conversation. I changed the topic using questions and/or I turned to something more positive. This way, I got the value of their contribution without having to dwell on the situation.

I realized that there are many people who are alone and have no one in their lives. I was very fortunate that I had people in my life who cared about me.  

Lesson 5: Ask for what you want. People can’t read your mind.
People would inevitably ask me, “Is there anything I can do?” Most people are not honest with their answer and say, “Nothing.” I chose a different path. When people asked me that question, I was prepared and honest with my response. For example, I asked people to call and comfort my parents. I wanted to help reduce their stress and worry. How could people have known what I wanted if I wasn’t honest with them?  People aren’t mind readers. Be honest and clearly state your requests or desires.

Lesson 6: Besides the “official” patient, there are others who are affected by this disease that go untreated.
As the patient,  I was at the center of things. But, there were other patients – the loved ones. The loved ones are patients too. As I learned, family and friends often feel helpless. For the most part, all they can do is watch, pray, and hope things turn out well. To make matters worse they often store their emotions in an effort to stay strong. Here’s the irony: there’s great patient care but not enough care for the unofficial patients – the loved ones.

Lesson 7: Your perspective dictates your attitude.
Most of my doctors and nurses had great attitudes despite how sick and close to death some of the patients were. How could that be? I asked about this and learned that it was because they wanted to make a difference.  The doctors and nurses were in an environment that was gloomy. But, they chose to look at it as an opportunity to contribute.

As I received my chemo, I met patients – patients who were going to be fine, patients who were not sure, and patients where the end was inevitable. I knew my treatment was short and the outcome was not in doubt. This helped me keep perspective and be appreciative of how lucky I was. My grandfather’s words rang true, “Things can always be worse.” I received a heavy and hopefully life altering dose of medicine – keep the right perspective and appreciate my life.

Lesson 8: You don’t always have control over what happens to you. But, you do have 100% control in how you respond.  
I realized I didn’t have control over this situation. It was what it was. I was 100% responsible for gleaning the value from my experience. I was brutally honest with myself. I became a lot closer to the people I should have been closer to all along. I became more spiritually connected. I appreciate my life, the people around me, and the work that I do in more ways and dimensions than ever before.  My Teflon shield is gone. My experience has helped me move from living the “One day I will…” to deciding that the “One day is today.”

As I half-jokingly and half-seriously said to a friend, “OK! If someone was trying to get my attention, they got it!”

Are there life principles that you used to live by, but now you don’t? Have you ever allowed someone to spook you to such an extent that you change your behavior? It’s natural to let someone’s bad reaction derail us from doing what we know needs to be done. I encounter this reality so often as I speak with people across the country about communication issues that I have a name for it: The Halloween Principle – because people get spooked, and then they start living according to fear rather than the life principles they believe in.

The sad part is we often do this subconsciously, meaning that we’re unaware of how much a past situation is affecting our present. If left unnoticed and unchecked, our changed behavior could even alter our future.

It often takes someone to point it out before we can say to ourselves, “That is so true. I know what needs to be done and I know certain life principles work, but I’m not living that way.”

To help you see whether you’ve been spooked, let’s look at a few life principles that most people believe in but have trouble living by because the Halloween Principle has taken over.

1.Honesty Is the Best Policy
Most people I meet believe that honesty is the best policy. They may even believe they live by it. But on further examination, they don’t. When they are upset, they stuff what they are thinking and feeling and tell others that things are okay. Or when people ask them for feedback, they spin their answers to sound nice and pleasant out of fear that if they say what they really think, that person will get defensive and react badly.

The result is that people don’t get their issues handled. In our personal lives this can lead to all kinds of trouble. Spouses fall out of love and get divorced. Kids fear telling
their parents the truth or just don’t feel comfortable talking, so they stop talking with their parents and get advice and support from peers instead. Good friends get annoyed or angry, drop out of communication, and friendships slips away. When issues aren’t handled in our professional lives, program and project problems can escalate into bigger problems; good employees get fed up and leave, and clients and customers stop hiring us.

Considering all these negative ramifications, why do people continue to withhold, spin, and alter the truth when they know that honesty is integral to fixing problems? After all, someone can’t fix a problem if they don’t know about the problem.

When I ask people why they withhold or spin the truth, they often say, “I used to be more honest and straightforward. But awhile back, I was in a situation and….”
And then they proceed to tell me how a boss, a spouse, a co-worker, or a friend got upset when they spoke the truth and took it out on them in one way or another. No wonder
people get spooked.

2The Law of Reflection
The Law of Reflection says that whatever we give out in life, we tend to get back. You may say it another way: what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow, do unto others, but it’s all the Law of Reflection.

Most people know this is a sound principle to live by, but few implement it to it its fullest capability. For example, sometimes a person chooses not to give as much as they could because in the past they encountered someone who took and took – and kept on taking until they drained that person dry. So that person allowed someone’s selfishness to stop them from giving their heart and soul to others. In other words, they allowed the person to spook them and started to live by the Halloween Principle.

On further reflection, this person may realize that we all run into selfish people from time to time, even people so selfish that they’ll take advantage of others. But that is no reason to stop living the Law of Reflection — because there are always exceptions to the rule. In general, however, the more we give and help out others — whether that’s our boss, our co-workers, our employees, our spouse, or our
friends — the better our life will work.
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Choose to Overcome the Spook
No principle will always work out just right. But as a whole, these life principles do work and provide benefits to us and to others For that reason, we have to stop letting people spook us. We need to make our choices and live by our principles rather than allowing others to derail us and dictate how we’re living. When we become aware of the Halloween Principle, it gives us the power to choose a different course of action— the one we know is right for us.

Here are a few practical recommendations for disarming the Halloween Principle:

1. Separate: When you feel an internal disconnect between the way you want to live and the way you currently are living, try to remember when that disconnect started. Then ask yourself why you’re allowing that situation to continue to affect you. Maybe it is time to separate from the situation by forgiving and letting go. If you can’t let it go yet, implement some practices to work on it. If you are not sure of one, contact us and we can give you some simple recommendations that produce a profound effect.

2. Counteract: There are several ways to counteract the Halloween Principle. First, surround yourself with people who have the attributes you want to live by. If you believe
that honesty is the best policy, make sure the people around you are willing to tell you the truth and who won’t get defensive as you speak your truth. If you want to live by the Law of Reflection, then choose to be around people who try to help out and give value to others. Another important key to counteracting the Halloween Principle is to read books and articles, listen to podcasts and radio broadcasts, and watch DVDs that provide
information, advice, and encouragement to live by the principles that are important to you. Remember this: insights can happen in an instant, but sustained change takes effort, reinforcement, and reminders.

3. Model: In the future when you encounter someone who spooks you from being yourself, ask yourself whether this is an exception or the new rule. Remind yourself that
every life principle has exceptions, but overall, they do work. Choose to live your life principles – modeling them for yourself and others — rather than being controlled by your reaction to an exception. Think about the situation as a valuable reminder of the importance of standing up for what you know is right and taking responsibility for your life.

Who have you allowed to spook you? Have you stopped living by any of your life principles? Now that you are aware of the Halloween Principle, what are you going to do about it?

If you need help or would like more information, please
call us or send an email to info@stevengaffney.com.

Uncover How Honest Everyone Really Is Around You

All you have to do is turn on the news to see how a lack of honest communication is affecting the workplace as well as everyday relationships we have with one another. In fact, it seems these problems are very common. Therefore, honest, effective communication is even more critical to teamwork, productivity, and profitability and an organization’s lifelong success than ever before.

People at all levels of an organization must be willing to honestly share the information, ideas, and opportunities that come up on a daily basis. This honest communication must also be done in a time-sensitive manner, because things change so quickly in today’s world. If an organization does not receive critical information in time, it can cost them millions or even billions of dollars. Why? Because problems need to be caught and resolved when they are small, and no organization can afford to miss key opportunities.

People make better decisions when they get an accurate, truthful view of problems and situations. They are more focused, proactive, and creative with their solutions, because they know what the problems are as they occur. And they have all the information they need to respond quickly and effectively.

In addition, honest communication allows organizations to attract and retain talented people, because those people feel as if they can succeed in such an honest and healthy environment. In this environment, people listen to and trust each other. They exchange valuable feedback so that goals are achieved and organizations are properly positioned to seize opportunities.

How are you and your organization advancing in the area of honest communication? Do you think there may be some areas that need improvement? Is a storm brewing? To see if you might have some hidden problems with honesty, please answer these Seven Key Questions to Detect an Honest Communication Problem. (Although this focuses on work issues, you can easily translate it to personal or home issues as well.) If you answer no to any of these questions, an honest communication problem that could threaten you and your organization may be looming. 

1. Are people accountable and do they keep their promises and commitments?

People who blatantly break their promises may be breaking other promises we are unaware of. As the saying goes, “Where there is smoke, there is fire.” Watch out for those who say they may not keep their word on small stuff but will keep their word on the big stuff. This is usually not the case. People who do not keep their promises or who constantly adjust their promises and still don’t deliver are probably not being upfront about something. Sometimes they know inside that they can’t deliver, but they are afraid of our reaction or they don’t want to let us down. Others feel weak or defeated when they admit they can’t accomplish something. So, they are not truthful and upfront about what is really going on. Of course, the failure to come clean only compounds the problem, and in the end everyone pays a severe price. An undelivered promise is often a symptom of a problem than needs to be discussed and resolved.

2. Do people tell you everything you need to know?

How many times have you finished a project or made a decision only to find out that people did not share key information and ideas that would have altered or changed what you did? You may have thought, “If they had just said something, I might have taken care of this issue more effectively and in a fraction of the time.” Key information is often there — we just need to receive it. Honest and open communication is crucial to getting a quality job done on time, within budget.

3. Do people argue, debate, and share opposing opinions in your presence?

President Lyndon Johnson said, “If nobody is arguing, only one person is thinking.” I would add, “or only one person is being honest.” It is normal and healthy to have differing opinions; the key is whether people have the freedom to share those differing opinions, tough news, and other information. If people around you never oppose your ideas and plans, they may not be saying what they are really thinking. If everyone always agrees with you, they probably do not.

One reason for this dynamic is that people often suffer from The Authority Pleasing Principle — telling their leaders what they think they want to hear. Many people have been conditioned that the way to make people happy and advance in life is to do just that. Think about how our schooling may have conditioned us in that way. If we gave the teacher what he or she wanted, we were rewarded.

In addition to the desire to please, employees often fear potential backlash if they share unpopular points of view. When we try to move forward and make a decision, we find that others are dragging their feet and not doing what we need them to do. In other words, they have not bought into the idea. We need to create a safe environment so people can say what they are really thinking — because receiving difficult information and feedback is essential to taking care of problems before they become huge issues.

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4. When you ask a question, do people answer it directly?

People who are hiding things often skirt the issue, change the subject, or answer questions in global, ambiguous, or vague ways. Often they gloss over the present situation and jump to the future. In fact, some people not only don’t answer the question, they turn it around and ask you a question that distracts you. This tactic often works. For example, if you ask someone about the status of a report, they may say, “Fine. Just working hard. So, what do you have going on for the rest of the week?” How often have you walked away from discussions thinking, I don’t think they ever answered my question. Further and persistent questioning is often the key to discovering and eventually resolving the problem.

5. Do you always react positively when someone shares difficult information or unpopular opinions with you?

This question may be confronting but hopefully it is useful. Often we say we want honest communication, but when someone gives it to us, we become upset or defensive. We may respond with a nasty look, a raised voice, or by ignoring what has been said. These types of responses speak volumes to the messenger and discourage this person from sharing difficult information or unpopular opinions in the future. In essence, a negative response trains and conditions people not to be forthcoming. If this continues, we might one day say, “Why am I the last one to know? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” The key is to own up to the situation and create a safe environment. Then people can say what needs to be said.

6. Are you the first to hear and find out about things?

People who are afraid to say things directly to you often tell others in the organization what they truly think and feel. Unfortunately, when you finally hear this information indirectly, it is often severely distorted. Remember the game of telephone? Do you remember how distorted the message became after it had passed through several players? Distorted information thwarts our actions, because it is inaccurate. I have watched many projects and contracts become problematic, because they were built and executed based on hearsay information. Being the first to hear and directly find out facts is the key to handling things efficiently and effectively. That is why some of the best executives and managers develop ways to receive direct communication from their customers, potential customers, and all levels of their staff.

7. Are people sharing innovative and even crazy ideas and opportunities with you? 

In today’s incredibly competitive work world, we must tap into the resources, ideas, and knowledge of the people around us. Research indicates that many of the greatest ideas do not come from headquarters but the front lines. Staff on the front lines are the closest to the problems, issues, and challenges. They know the way things really work. Without front-line information, feedback, and perspective, an organization can become stale, lose its competitive edge, and ultimately become extinct. This is why we need to constantly ask people for their ideas. Honest communication is not only essential to resolving issues but also in exploring new ideas and opportunities.

If these questions have exposed some problems in your organization or your personal relationships, you are now aware of the situation and can do something about it. Many individuals and organizations don’t ask the hard questions quickly enough to uncover problems before the damage is done. Many people believe it is better not to rock the boat. They just hope things will get better. Maybe it is time to rock the boat and find out what may be lurking below so that you don’t pay an even heavier price later.

Here are three suggestions that can have an immediate impact.

            1. Organizations, no matter the size, must take specific and tangible actions to create a safe environment for employees to openly and honestly communicate.

            2. Leaders must set the tone and the example by consistently demonstrating honest communication and being open to receive honest communication. They must show that it can be done, is appreciated, and will be rewarded.

            3. Employees need to have or need to be taught the skills and techniques to communicate honestly and effectively. People talk about being honest, but few are actually shown how to do it and produce the desired results. These skills will enable employees to effectively express concerns about thorny or complicated issues without fear of a strong reaction from the receiver.

By approaching this on several levels and from different angles, an honest communication environment can flourish and thrive. This way, people can say what they need to say and find out what they need to find out. Ideas can be freely and safely exchanged, and everyone benefits. Share these 7 Key Questions and call us to provide  specific strategies to make a huge difference in relationship building, teamwork, productivity and growth of your organization.

Take action! You can make the difference!