Steven Gaffney's Communication Blog

The 7 WAYS MANAGERS AND EXECUTIVES MAKE THEIR LIFE MISERABLE AT WORK AND HOW TO FIX IT

Steven Gaffney — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 20:47:55 +0000

On any given weekday, we spend more time working than we do engaged in any other activity, even sleeping. That is reason enough to eliminate sources of workplace stress and misery. As a coach and trusted advisor to executives and managers across various industries – from corporate and association to government and military, I’ve observed that people often make misery for themselves at work. I think it’s time to change that.
Read this list of seven ways you may be making yourself miserable in the workplace, but be sure to focus on the solutions to see what you can do to dramatically improve your life at work. Much of this is common sense; the trouble is that we often fail to act on the things we know we should do. Decide now to make these valuable changes, follow through, and I think you will be surprised by the results.

1. Venting to the Wrong People. As leaders, we should not be venting to direct reports and others in the workplace. The old saying is true though: It’s lonely at the top. That is why it can be easy to fall into this trap. The trouble is that when we vent, we infect others with our way of thinking, which can, in turn, make matters even worse. For example, let us say we are upset with a goal we consider to be unreachable. If we show that feeling to folks who report to us, their feelings will be affected, which will affect the actions they take on a daily basis. Pretty soon we will have multiplied our difficulties, and the goal we thought was unreachable truly will be a self-fulfilling prophecy if there ever was one.

This problem is not hard to solve. First, think of negative feelings and thoughts as if they were germs that can infect others. We may get over the infection, but when we spread it to others, they may never recover. Second, vent to the appropriate people–whether it is a coach, a peer, a friend or, if appropriate, your boss. Find someone who can listen objectively (without being negatively affected by your words) and give you some guidance. The value of a trusted advisor or coach cannot be overestimated.

2. Meddling in the “How.” Sometimes when we do not have the right team in place or we are worried about an activity, project, or program, we start to meddle and micromanage. We dictate the way we want things to be done. When we do that, we make ourselves, and others, miserable. Micromanaging disables others, and it causes people to back off and implement our directives like a robot. As a result we lose out on their creativity, ingenuity, and responsibility. In the long run, this costs us dearly and increases our misery immeasurably. When we dictate the “how,” we build a team or an organization that is completely dependant of us. Think about this. Can you take a vacation without checking up on things? If you cannot, that is a sure sign of this misery maker.

The solution is simple (though not necessarily easy): Assess the situation. Evaluate whether you are making matters worse. Hold your direct reports accountable for results; don’t tell them how to get the results. If they’re not getting the job done satisfactorily, make some changes. Remember: problems left alone tend to get worse, not better. Hire and surround yourself with the best people and then give them the guidance and tools so they can do what needs to be done.

3. Neglecting the Power of Expectations. People like a certain level of security. They want to know the guidelines, what they can affect vs. what they cannot affect and just need to live with. They also want to know what they can count on to stay the same vs. what could possibly change. In other words, they need to know what is negotiable vs. what is non-negotiable. When leaders neglect to manage expectations, it can lead to a lot of frustration and wasted time throughout the organization. That leads to misery for everyone, especially for you. How much time do you spend each week fielding complaints about policies and procedures that make people’s jobs difficult but are not going to change? Frustrating, right?

The solution is to spell out what is non-negotiable and unlikely to change vs. what is negotiable and open to change. This is true on the broad organizational level as well as for teams or special projects. In setting others’ expectations about what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable, you are freeing them to focus on what is truly within their control (and as a result you should have fewer complaints to listen to).

One of the most frequent negotiable vs. non-negotiable issues I encounter is in the realm of roles and responsibilities. (In all my years of doing this, I have yet to see an organization with roles and responsibilities clearly defined so everyone understands. Maybe it is time to reset the expectations.) If the roles and responsibilities are unclear for your team or in your organization, you can even let the people know that you understand that they are unclear, draw some guidelines, and then reset the expectations so that the people understand that you expect them to take initiative within those guidelines and be open to ongoing change.

As a leader, you already know you have to focus on what you can control and mentally and emotionally let go of everything that you cannot. But by helping your direct reports understand what is not within their control (in other words, setting their expectations) and encouraging them to give 100 percent of their attention to what is within their control, you increase their efficiency and reduce their stress level considerably. That is a win-win for them and for you.

4. Lying to Yourself. The worst lies we ever tell are the lies that we tell ourselves. Those lies often take the form of outright denial, and that is what makes them so dangerous. Sometimes leaders make their lives miserable because they choose not to look at the reality of a situation and make the hard changes. For instance, maybe someone is being difficult and not getting the job done. If you avoid that reality, then you are making yourself (and others!) miserable. Perhaps that person needs to be let go, or maybe they need to be moved to another position where they can be more effective. Sometimes we lie to ourselves about our products and services. Maybe they have passed the expiration date and need to change. Lying to yourself about that will only lead to more misery in the long run.

The solution here is to look at what you’re avoiding. Set aside thirty minutes to think about what hard truths you have been side-stepping. What person do you avoid in the hallway? What don’t you want to talk about? What situation makes you groan inwardly? Look at those things head on and identify what lies you have been telling yourself. Tell the truth to yourself; then for each truth, write down a step you can take to deal with each situation you’ve been avoiding. It may not be easy, but you will be a lot less miserable when you’ve dealt with all the issues that have been haunting you. I bet that you will be surprised at how much more optimistic and energetic you feel once you stop lying to yourself.

5. Focusing on Overcoming Weaknesses. People spend an inordinate amount of time trying to fix their perceived weaknesses, and it is a huge time waster. It’s also the source of a lot of misery. When you spend a lot of time focusing on what you perceive to be shortcomings, you are also spending a lot of time trapped in negative thinking about yourself. At the same time, you are closing yourself off to finding genuine solutions.

You can reduce your misery by embracing who you are and acknowledging your strengths, and by surrounding yourself with people who are strong in the areas in which you are weak. We do not have to have all the ingredients; we just have to make sure that we have all the ingredients covered. For example, if you are great in operations but you know that someone on your team has more expertise and experience with creating a big picture vision, allow that person to take advantage of his or her skill set while you focus on your own. Great leaders know how to use their own traits effectively and help others recognize and make the most of their traits in order to produce the desired outcomes.

6. Too Many Priorities. Leaders sometimes mistakenly believe that it is beneficial to have many priorities. In reality, multiple priorities confuse people and often cause them to freeze and avoid taking action. The other possibility is that they will choose what they think are the top priorities and act on them. When they choose the wrong priorities, it causes organization misalignment. This is a common source of misery for managers, but it does not have to be.

A simple solution to this problem is to ask your direct reports to write down their top 5 job priorities and turn them in to you. (They should write them in priority order.) Let them know this is not a test of them, but a test of you and how consistent and clear the organization is. Obviously this exercise will reveal how clear folks are on their priorities, but it will also help you see how to provide the necessary clarity. The end result will be greater efficiency, which always alleviates misery and stress. We all have 24 hours in a day. The key is to focus on the ROI on our activities.

7. The “Yes” Team. Hiring and surrounding ourselves with people we like and who think like we do is a common leadership issue. Organizations have a tendency to hire people who “who have the corporate mentality,” and unfortunately get rid of people who are different. This problem is a tricky one because a corporate mentality is good. You want people who buy into the corporate vision. But if you have ever heard me speak or have read my books, you know the trouble comes when no one will challenge the status quo or speak the hard truths.

Here are two questions you should ask yourself to determine whether you are surrounded by “yes” people: How often to people argue and debate you and others? How often are people presenting new ideas? If the answer to the second question is “not often,” then you may have created an environment where a train wreck is lurking around the corner. This is a silent killer because the work environment may not feel miserable. But when the train wreck takes you by surprise, then there will be plenty of misery to go around.

The key to eliminating this source of misery is to make room for debate and differences. Only by encouraging people to tell the hard truths and not marginalizing those who see things differently can we avoid ugly surprises. It may feel uncomfortable to hear the hard truths, but the reward is rich. You will be able to steer your organization effectively and avoid being derailed. Adopt the slogan “No surprises.”

Take this article, share it with others, and ask them what they think. Use it as a topic of conversation at your next staff meeting or off-site. In doing so, perhaps you will uncover more sources of misery in the workplace and how to turn them around. If you do, I’d love to hear your feedback. As always, call me if you need any help.
Remember: life is short; enjoy it!

Best Wishes,
Steven Gaffney

P.S. If you would like an electronic copy of this article to share among your organization or permission to reprint this, please contact our office info@stevengaffney.com or call 703 241-7796.

THE MOST IMPORTANT WAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE

Steven Gaffney — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 17:43:31 +0000

Have you ever encountered someone whose body language was effective, who had impeccable pronunciation, and grammar, yet you did not believe anything they said? Conversely, have you encountered someone who had a strong enough accent that you didn’t catch every word, but you still understood and believed everything they said?

When communicating with others, is it essential to be sincere and natural. This may seem obvious, but upon reflection, I am certain we could all think of examples when a person has tried to emulate someone else and consequently was perceived as artificial.

Imagine Oprah Winfrey trying to talk like Walter Cronkite, or Ronald Reagan trying to emulate Martin Luther King’s demeanor. The notion is silly, yet all of these people are thought of as master communicators. What makes each of them so dynamic is their sincerity and belief in their message.

Of course body language, word choice, tone, and inflection are important. But it is not nearly as important as sincerity. Why? Because our true thoughts and feelings are conveyed in every aspect of our interactions. Remember, most of us are poor actors. People are smart and they can detect when we are not being sincere—when the inside does not match the outside. As someone once said, “Who we are speaks louder than what we say.”

“It is not how smooth you are, it is how sincere you are that matters. Some people can be articulate, but they may not be credible. Others stumble over their words, but they are so compelling and endearing in their sincerity that they win friends and supporters everywhere they go. So remember, you do not have to be perfect; you just have to be sincere.”
(This is an excerpt from my book, Just Be Honest: Authentic Communication Strategies That Get Results and Last a Lifetime).
http://www.stevengaffney.com/success-store/behonest.php

I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING…REMEMBER THE MILLIONS AND BILLIONS

Steven Gaffney — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 18:12:05 +0000

Have you ever had an experience where you feel as if you have tried everything to fix, resolve, or help a situation?

Then consider this: There are currently over six billion people in the world. Add to that the billions of people who have lived before us. The chances are great that someone has experienced exactly what we are experiencing and has overcome that obstacle. The trick is to find the answer.

Just think how arrogant and egotistical it would be to say and believe that we have tried everything. The truth is we may have tried everything we can think of but have certainly not tried everything. Someone out there has probably walked in our shoes and been in an identical or nearly identical situation and found the answer. Chances are great that someone out there has the exact same co-worker, boss, husband, wife, child and/or relative as we do and figured out the answer. The trick is to find the answer.

This may be hard to see when examining your own life, but think about how often you have watched friends or coworkers ignore an obvious solution, even though it is staring them in the face. They live in the world called, “nothing can help me out.” No matter what you suggest, they reject everything. They believe nothing can help them out, so they can’t see the answers. In fact, a good time-saving device in life is to recognize when someone is not open to what you are saying, so you can stop wasting your time.

What is the answer? It is to take a realistic look at life and realize that with all the millions and millions of people who live and who have lived on this planet, someone out there has probably figured out the answer. When we believe there is an answer, we will more likely find it because belief drives action; actions don’t drive beliefs. And therein lies the challenge; people often say: “I will believe it when I see it.” The problem is they can’t see it if they don’t believe it. You must believe there is an answer; only then will you be more likely to find the answer. As Henry Ford once said, “If you believe you can or believe you can’t, either way, you’ll be right.”

Just think: If there were a million dollars riding on your finding the answer, or your child’s health, or your best friend’s life, how likely would you be to find it? What if you ran your life by the motto “failure is not an option.” How determined would you be?
Tip—Whenever you don’t know what to do, ask 10 people for advice. If they don’t have the answer, they probably know someone who does. (Remember: Six degrees of separation).

Even if you were to conclude that a particular situation is mostly out of your control, mostly a result of how the other person is acting, just concentrate on your part and watch what happens. Let’s just say that it was 95 percent the other person and 5 percent you. Concentrate only on the five percent that you are responsible for. Changing that 5 percent can still give you the needed control to change the desired outcome.

Think about people who navigate white water rapids in a boat. With the limited control they do have, they can navigate the rapids successfully. If a train is on a journey, one switch is enough to take that train to a far different place than where it was originally headed. Let’s spend 100 percent of the time on the part we can control.
Remember that whenever you think you have tried everything, it may be your mind playing tricks on you. The odds are someone out there has most likely gone through the same experience and figured out the answer. It is time to approach this as if giving up or failing are not options. It is time to focus on what you can control, ask people, go hunting, and take action! Good Luck to you!

Copyright 2012, Steven Gaffney Company. All Rights Reserved. To reprint this article in any format or to request an electronic version via email, please contact the Steven Gaffney Company at 703-241-7796 or info@stevengaffney.com.

WHAT PEOPLE WANT AND VALUE MOST

Steven Gaffney — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 19:02:25 +0000

The following is an excerpt from our book Just Be Honest, Authentic Communication Strategies That Get Results and Last a Lifetime.

What do people want and value most?

Who are your customers and what do they want? Your customers are bosses/supervisors, co-workers, employees, your spouse, children, relatives and even your parents. The key to keeping your customers satisfied is to know what they want and value the most so you can decide whether or not you can provide this for them.

When you are working on a project, confirm the criteria for success. Determine what is most important to the parties involved. Be sure that your definition of success is consistent with everyone else’s definition of success. People tend to work on what they think is important, not what others think is important.

Ginny, a friend of mine, lost her job because she was doing things her way and accomplishing goals that had value to her, instead of asking her boss what he wanted her to do and then doing that. At first she blamed her boss and said, “Well, he should have told me what he wanted.” Perhaps she had a good point. But, the true value of this experience came when Ginny realized she could have asked him. Since she is the only one that she can control, it is better to look at what she could do differently in the future. Ginny could have asked her boss what his expectations were and made sure she met them. Along the way, she could have requested a meeting, asking for feedback rather than waiting for it.

It is impossible to change other people but you can change yourself. By taking responsibility for your own path to success, you take control of your destiny as well.
If They Are Vague

People are often vague when asked what is most important to them. They may say things like, “to do a good job,” “to work hard,” or “to be sensitive to what the customer wants.” These phrases lack specifics and are too subject to interpretation. It is critical to clarify exactly what they mean. Ask probing questions to establish exactly what is expected.

Here is a list of specific questions that you can ask:
• “What are the top three priorities that define the success of this project?”
• “What specifically is the most important to you?”
• “When you reflect on this project, what will need to be in place for you to feel that it was a complete success?”
• “Paint a picture of how success on this project looks for you.”

If someone still has trouble being specific, make some suggestions to help them gain clarity and understanding. If they really do not know what they want, start by asking them what they don’t want.

If the person continues to be vague, be patient and ask them if they could be more specific. Explain that this will help you to better serve their wants and needs. Many times people do not realize that they are being vague, and sometimes we are afraid to confront them and admit that we are not sure.

I remember Scott, a computer systems engineer, who shared that he was concerned about confirming with the client exactly they wanted. Scott said that he was concerned that the client wasn’t uncertain themselves and might get upset if he pressed the issue. I told Scott that he really had no choice. His only other option was to waste valuable time and resources guessing! I assured him that the client would not be nearly as upset by his efforts to seek clarity, as they would be by an incorrect guess regarding their wants and needs.

By finding out what is truly important to the other party, everyone benefits.

If you would like 6 additional techniques on what to do when someone is vague or unsure, please refer to Chapter 16 of Honesty Works book for details. http://www.stevengaffney.com/success-store/honestyworks.php

How to Make 2012 a Memorable Year

Steven Gaffney — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:27:16 +0000

Are you ready for a powerful 2012?

2011 may have been rocky for you, but I am sure that in retrospect your most difficult and challenging experiences were some of your most valuable ones. In fact, most people say that hard times generally produce much growth because responding to such times demands ingenuity. We all know that even when we are not responsible for our challenging circumstances, we are 100 percent responsible for our response to the challenges.

Let’s do a quick assessment of your life to see where you are at because awareness is the first step to resolving any issues and make some changes for the better. Reflect for a moment on the following questions:
-Are you where you thought you would be professionally and personally?
-Did you expect things to happen last year that didn’t?
-Have you put off changes that you need to make?
-Are there people who are zapping your energy and robbing you of what you could achieve?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are not alone. Here are 7 crucial actions that can help ensure that 2012 will be a better year for you. These actions can put your life on a different path. The initial change is minimal and can be difficult emotionally and mentally, but down the line the difference can be enormous and it is worth the investment.

1. DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM NEGATIVE INFLUENCES. Just like we are what we eat, we are a product of the people we spend time with and the information we take in. Who are you surrounding yourself with? What are you reading? How much are you dwelling on negative news stories? There is a difference between awareness of and obsession with negative things. I am not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand. I am suggesting that we fill our minds with the influences that empower us. Take the time to clean house now!

2. LET GO OF THE MIND CLUTTER. Reach out to someone you have written off (but still think about), or to someone you have given up on or have had some problem with. Talk to that person and do what it takes to reach some sort of resolution and put the situation behind you. Ask the other person, “What would it take for us to put this behind us?” Or ask, “What specific suggestions do you have so we can resolve this?” Their input can help you create a solution that works for everyone. By reaching out and having a conversation, you are extending the olive branch. This can create a new beginning and trigger conversations and events that can ultimately change your life. Remember: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Make 2012 the year you give that gift. (To read more on forgiveness, see chapter 25 in Honesty Works on the 7-step procedure to forgive and let go of anything.)

3. LIVE 2012 WITH A LONG TERM PERSPECTIVE. Be clear on what is true and meaningful to you, and don’t negotiate. This might sound simple, but many people negotiate things that shouldn’t be negotiable. Be honest with yourself about what is important to you. Is it your relationships, your job, your health, or your quality of life? Some of you may say the timing isn’t right yet. Is that just an excuse so that you avoid making some changes? Time is the one commodity we can never replenish. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. Be clear, and don’t settle.

4. FIND OUT WHAT THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WANT AND THEN DO YOUR BEST TO DELIVER WHAT THEY WANT. This could be your employer, your spouse, your parents, your friends, customers, etc…you get the idea… You can use this question as a starter: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate our relationship?” (Or “this project,” or “my effectiveness in this job, or the quality of service we provide you”) Listen to their answer, and then ask, “What would it take to make it a 10?” For extra credit, ask, “What would it take to make it a 15 — above and beyond expectations?” Be ready for an interesting and — hopefully — helpful response. The next step (and this is important) is to manage their expectations. I have found that people, groups, and organizations don’t often get the credit they deserve because they don’t adequately manage other people’s expectations of what can and cannot be accomplished. When we do keep our word and give people what they want, it can bring great joy and exhilaration…and ultimately everyone wins.

5. COMMIT TO CHANGING AT LEAST ONE BEHAVIOR AND BEING ACOUNTABLE IN A PUBLIC WAY. What behavior of yours do you really want to change? What if I were going to give you a billion dollars to change it? What if your life depended on making this change? What if someone else’s life depended on it? The truth is that if you really want to achieve this change, you will. Make it happen. For example, if you find yourself repeatedly complaining about a particular issue and you want to stop being so negative, tell five people you are going to stop complaining about the issue. Every time you complain about it, give them five dollars. Or if you really want to commit to being home by a certain time, tell your significant other that if you don’t make it on time, you will grant any wish or pay for a nice dinner. The point here is to send a message that your promises are not empty and you are committed to changing the behavior. Being accountable is one of the most important ingredients in lasting change.

6. CLEAN AND CLEAR YOUR PHYSICAL SURROUNDINGS. This is probably a very important step but many of us seem to procrastinate and make this the last thing on their priority list of to do’s. Did you know that not only living and working in disorganized spaces and surroundings increase stress, but also make you less productive? In addition, the messy visual that you have to look at constantly drains your energy and wastes a lot of time because things would not be easy to find as it would in a more organized space. So throw away or donate what you do not need. The others, make sure to give them homes and label them. You never know how much money or valuable ideas are sitting underneath the messiness.

7. DECIDE ON YOUR NUMBER-ONE GOAL AND CREATE A PLAN TO ACHIEVE IT.
Make sure your goal is measurable and that there is a deadline for completion. You might think this is simple — and it is — but people often neglect to set clear goals or neglect to prioritize their many goals. I see this frequently with organizational goals. People don’t know which ones to focus on, and they subsequently don’t achieve what they could achieve if they understood which goals were the most important.

Don’t wait! Seize the moment and go out there, take action to make things happen. You deserve it! Make 2012 is your best year ever.

Let me know if you need any additional help, and please feel free to share this article with others as a gift to help make their 2012 all it should be.

Best Wishes,
Steven Gaffney

SPEAK YOUR MIND! Your Life Depends On It.

Steven Gaffney — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 17:51:14 +0000

Do you ever worry about the reaction you’ll get when you share what you feel or what you know – either at work or at home or out with your friends? Do you wonder whether you’ll be respected for saying what needs to be said?

Recently a participant in one of my seminars shared that his wife of more than 25 years told him she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. The worst part about this is that he never saw it coming. He never knew she was unhappy.

Situations like that make it easy to see that honesty is not only about not telling lies. Honesty is really about saying what needs to be said and not withholding information and ideas.

This man’s wife may not have been “lying,” but she sure wasn’t being honest, and the sad truth is that more than a marriage may have come to ruin over it. A study published in July’s Psychosomatic Medicine showed that women who usually or always keep their feelings to themselves when in conflict with their spouses have over four times the risk of dying from coronary heart disease.

The Framingham Offspring Study of more than 3,500 men and women asked the participants whether they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse; 32 percent of the men and 23 percent of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during marital conflict. Women who didn’t speak their minds were four times as likely to die during the 10-year follow-up period as women who always told their husbands how they felt.

It’s not always easy to speak the truth in a marriage, but this study demonstrates that not doing so affects more than just marriages – it affects health. When people withhold their thoughts and feelings, they unwittingly slip into unproductive patterns in their relationships. This holds true for marriages, committed relationships, friendships, and work relationships.

People self-silence because they’re afraid of the reaction they’ll get when they share what they feel or what they know. When we reduce fear, we can increase honest, open communication and improve relationships. It requires more emotional energy to keep things inside than to let things out. The key is to create an environment where people feel safe to do so. Self-silencing may not be a problem you struggle with, but other people may withhold their thoughts and feelings from you. How can you help them overcome that? What steps can you take to make the environment safe for honest communication?

That is why my company has been helping to bring honest communication to organizations and families across the world for almost 15 years. We have helped introduce the concept that it is not what people say; it is what they don’t say that is toxic to relationships, leadership, productivity, and profitability. The good news is we can do something about it.

Finally, the next time you’re working out at the gym or planning a healthy meal, remember that being honest in conflict is another way to contribute to a healthy heart.

Preventing Repetitive Mistakes

Steven Gaffney — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 13:27:43 +0000

An Excerpt from Chapter 35 of “Honesty Works!”, by Steven Gaffney:

Albert Einstein reportedly said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” People tend to do exactly that. When they don’t like something, they fall back on the same old strategies that have not worked in the past, hoping things will be different this time. Of course, they usually get the same lackluster results and wonder why.

After years of working with people, I truly believe that many people are not honest with themselves about how habitual their problem-solving methods are. If they really stand back, self-observe, and become truly aware, they can think about how successful — or unsuccessful — those methods have been for them.

If you are having issues or challenges, honestly look at your methods for trying to resolve them. If they are not producing the results you want, try something different. You may not have all the answers, or you may not know the right answer. But by trying something different, at least you have a chance of breaking through and solving the issue you are wrestling with.

Consider this: there are currently more than six billion people in the world. Add to that the billions of people who have lived before us. With all of those individuals living their lives, the chances are great that someone has experienced exactly what we are experiencing and has found a solution. The trick is to find the answer.

It is arrogant and egotistical to say and believe that we have tried everything. The truth is that we may have tried everything we can think of, but we have certainly not tried everything there is to try. Someone out there has probably experienced our problem, has been in an identical or nearly identical situation, and has found the answer. Chances are great that someone out there has a co-worker, boss, husband, wife, child, or relative who has experienced a very similar problem and found a resolution.

This may be hard to see when you’re examining your own life, but think about how often you have watched friends or co-workers ignore an obvious solution. They live in the world called “nothing can help me.” No matter what you suggest, they reject everything. So, when you feel stuck and don’t see any answers, take a look at the bigger picture. If you believe there is an answer out there, you will most likely find one. Belief drives actions; actions don’t drive beliefs. People often say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” The problem is they can’t see it, if they don’t believe it.

What if you ran your life by the motto: failure is not an option. How determined would you be to find and implement the answer you’re looking for? What if there was a million dollars riding on it? How likely would you be to find the answer?

Here is an easy tip to help you find the answers for just about any situation — simply ask ten people for advice. If they don’t have the answer, they probably know someone who does. When you receive the advice, be open, receptive, and truly listen to what they have to say.

Sometimes people say that there may be answers out there but that they don’t have much control over the situation. That may be so, but you can concentrate on the part you can control and see what happens. You may only control 5 percent of the situation, but that can make all the difference. After all, even someone in a kayak with limited control can navigate water rapids successfully.

If you are committed to changing a situation, stop doing things that don’t work. When you’re tempted to think you have tried everything, remember you haven’t. Don’t allow failure to be an option — and don’t let yourself give up. The odds are someone in the world has gone through the same experience and figured out the answer. Go find it!

If you would like to read the entire book “Honesty Works!”, please click here to go to our Success Store to purchase your copy.

“Not Another Seminar!”

Steven Gaffney — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 13:11:17 +0000

Real-World Solutions to the Top 4 Problems with Any Training or Coaching

“Oh no. Not another seminar!.” If we haven’t had the thought ourselves, we have certainly overheard the sentiment expressed in the hallways. Failed seminars, wasted offsite meetings, complicated training sessions, and pointless conferences have conditioned us to resent the time these activities demand.

Just think of a time you attended a seminar or coaching session that seemed interesting at the time, but when you woke up the next day you realized you could not remember a thing you learned, much less how to apply it. Or worse, you may remember a time you walked out of a seminar and immediately knew it was a waste of your time.

That is the very outcome that everyone – from leaders to meeting planners to participants – desperately wants to avoid. And yes, the good news is that such outcomes are avoidable!

While some companies still believe that employees should arrive already trained and job-ready, great companies offer effective training for employee development. There is no denying that training is necessary for growth and progress, but not just any training. It takes the right kind of training.

In my nearly twenty years experience conducting seminars, workshops, and executive coaching with senior leaders down to entry level employees, I have learned the necessary techniques to make training “stick.” In speaking with my Fortune 500 and government clients about their training experiences, I have heard firsthand the top mistakes common to all ineffective training. I have also heard the most frequent complaints from seminar or training participants. Avoiding these common problems could be the difference between wasted time and resources and a productive seminar – one that resonates with participants and produces a high return on investment of your training dollars.

Problem #1: Past the Expiration Date
No one likes biting into stale potato chips or taking a swig of spoiled milk. The same is true for participating in training or attending offsite seminars with stale content. Such training only leaves a bad taste in participants’ mouths.

Training sessions or seminars must have new ideas and a fresh perspective to capture and hold participants’ attention. Otherwise, the content will go in one ear and out the other.

Organizations tend to repeatedly bring in the same experts as everyone else in their particular industry. Although industry experts bring industry knowledge, they often bring industry blind spots and preconceived notions into their training sessions … and that could limit your participants’ problem-solving skills.

Worse yet, if your organization continually brings in the same type of industry experts, participants may approach training sessions thinking, “Well, I bet we have heard all of this before.” They will check out and disengage.

Another warning sign that you are relying too heavily on what has always been done in the past is hearing people say, “That will never work here.” An attitude like that may signal that it is time to shift to a different approach to training.

One way to avoid stale training, whether it is being provided by internal resources or an external expert, is to bring in best practices from outside your organization and industry. Doing so eliminates inbred thinking. It opens your eyes to possible solutions from other markets and will likely generate some out-of-the-box strategies.

As a friend once said, “You cannot see the big picture if you are in the picture.” If you are in the government contracting industry, are you willing to look at best practices from the hospitality industry? If you are in the insurance industry, are you willing to look at best practices from the financial industry? That kind of cross-pollination may bring just the creativity and fresh ideas you need.

Problem #2: One Size Fits All
No two companies, agencies, or organizations are exactly alike. Each has its own set of challenges and goals. Therefore, training and seminars must be customized to meet your organization’s unique objectives and overcome your audience’s particular obstacles. When it comes to training, one size does not fit all.

Generic training produces generic results. For example, consider leadership development programs. A common complaint we hear is that organizations tend to offer the same supervisory training for all employees regardless of each employee’s particular learning style, goals, challenges, personal weaknesses, strengths, and so forth. Conducting “cookie cutter” training sessions that are exactly the same for everyone will not produce the results you want. Generic strategies or solutions are easy to forget and difficult for participants to implement since they do not apply to their specific needs.

Many companies have their own approach to avoiding the “one size fits all” mistake. For example, our company utilizes our “Inside-outside Customization Approach™” to discover participants’ unique challenges, weaknesses, and goals prior to delivering the seminar. Whatever your process, get to know the audience and participants beforehand in order to adapt the seminar or coaching to effectively address the group dynamics and obstacles. That way, examples are pertinent to the audience’s world, making them relatable and memorable. This leads to an engaged audience and a seminar that comes to life.

Problem #3: Muddy Waters
Confusing information causes delay or, worse, inactivity, as well as ineffective results. And what causes confusion? Too many broad concepts, vague ideas, or overcomplicated tactics and techniques thrown at you at once. All the information begins to muddy the waters, making it difficult to gain clarity or take action.

No matter how interesting a seminar may be, if participants do not leave with a clear understanding of how to implement the strategies learned, the seminar was a waste of time and resources. If tactics are not easy to remember and use, then participants will not use it because they do not have the time to figure it out on their own. For example, consider traditional training on identifying and analyzing different personality traits. It may be useful, insightful, and interesting, but people may leave the session unsure how to effectively analyze on the fly. For that reason, they may not use what they learned.

For effective training, simplify content and provide specific, tactical strategies that are easy to understand and execute. Training must be easy for participants to apply to their particular jobs. When that happens, participants leave seeing the value in what they learned and equipped with new skills to take on challenges they were previously unprepared to combat.

There are many techniques we have used or witnessed that help clear the waters so training is easy to implement in the workplace. One technique that is easiest to implement is to structure training in such a way that allows participants to choose the case study rather than having the presenter, speaker, trainer, or coach provide a case study. When participants select a case study they can relate to and are properly guided through it, they can then see exactly how to apply it in their world.

Another simple technique for providing clarity is to implement what we call the “Teach Back” technique. At the close of a longer session, participants should form small groups and teach back the main highlights from the seminar. This allows them to review their notes to ensure they clearly understand the key messages and how to execute the techniques or strategies.

When information from training, seminars, or coaching is easy to implement, participants can begin practicing their new skills immediately and frequently, allowing those new skills to quickly become habits.

Problem #4: It’s Over When It’s Over
Too often, training ends when the seminar ends. There is no follow-up from presenters to see how things are going or to address any needs or questions that may have come up after the seminar. Likewise, participants are not held accountable to implementing and developing the new skills. Lack of accountability – for presenters as well as participants – can severely reduce the effectiveness of the seminar.

Think of it this way: one training session without reinforcement or accountability is equivalent to being trained on gym equipment and then never going back to use it. It is a step in the right direction, but there will be no results unless there is reinforcement to make it a habit.

To make matters worse, research shows that when people are stressed (which many are in the workplace), they tend to fall back on old, sometimes bad, habits. This makes reinforcement and accountability even more important for new training to be successfully embraced, implemented, and sustained.

Many systems and techniques exist to enforce accountability, such as our own specialized coaching and accountability programs. Whatever your approach, ensure follow-up coaching allows participants to privately discuss personal challenges because some may not feel comfortable having that discussion in a group setting. Also, follow-up coaching sends the message that participants are expected to use what was learned in the session. If participants are proactively seeking further coaching, that’s even better!

A well-trained workforce is a workforce ready to meet challenges with creative and effective solutions. Providing education and training is valuable, but simply providing it is not enough. The seminar needs to be tailored and clear so all participants can make the best use of it and so you can reap a full return on your training dollars. Avoid these common training problems and you and your organization will ensure that your training, seminar, or coaching is useful and effective. That kind of valuable training is the right fertilizer for the growth and progress your organization seeks.

Steven Gaffney is a leading expert on honest, interpersonal communication, team performance, leadership, and change management. He has worked with numerous Fortune 500 organizations to increase revenue and drive profit, as well as with many governmental agencies to better allocate resources and taxpayer dollars. Thousands credit Gaffney’s seminars, media appearances, books, and products with making immediate and lasting changes in both their organizations and personal lives. He is the author of two groundbreaking books, Just Be Honest and Honesty Works, and the co-author of Honesty Sells. For more information, please visit www.StevenGaffney.com.

This article is the property of Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

How to Confront Liars Using the “Columbo Method”

Steven Gaffney — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 18:49:35 +0000

Have you ever had the feeling someone was lying to you? Or not being entirely truthful? Worse yet, have you found yourself afraid to confront that person for fear of negative repercussions?

The Columbo Method is a simple and ingenious way to handle this potentially precarious problem. Remember the television show Columbo, starring Peter Falk? The fictional Columbo was a detective who solved murder mysteries. He was a humble and unassuming character who had the ability to get anyone to tell him anything, despite their initial resistance. When someone said something to Columbo that was conflicting or inconsistent, he would rub his head and say, “I noticed yesterday you said one thing, and now you are saying something else. I’m confused.” He would say things like, “Could you clarify this?” or “Help me understand.” Columbo did not accuse those he was questioning. By taking the responsibility for his confusion, he disarmed the other person — who then would slowly feel comfortable telling him the things he needed to know to solve the crime. The Columbo Method is to present the facts that appear to conflict, give the person the benefit of the doubt, and then ask questions for clarification.

In a business situation, Columbo might say, “I noticed you said you wanted the report right away, but I haven’t heard from you since I gave you the report. Is everything okay?” Or, “Is there something else I can provide you with?”

By choosing not to blame or accuse the other person, we reduce the likelihood that they will be defensive or resistant and in turn increase the probability that they will reveal what is truly going on. Like a mystery, remember that things are not always as they appear. What may appear to be a lie may not be.

For example, suppose you asked a co-worker to help you with a project at 12 P.M., but he declined because of a conflicting meeting. Then you saw him leave the building at 12:00 P.M. Does this mean he was lying? Of course not. Perhaps his meeting was moved offsite, cancelled, or delayed. Perhaps he simply forgot about helping you. Perhaps he had a family emergency. There are a hundred reasons why he could have been leaving the building at 12:00 P.M.

There is a possibility that he did have a meeting when you talked that morning, but things later changed. The bottom line is that we just don’t know the real reason until we ask. And this is where the Columbo Method can be used. You might say, “You told me you could not help on this project because you had a meeting,
but then I noticed you left. I am confused. Is everything okay?” Or, “Am I missing something?”

The key to the Columbo Method is to remember that all you really know is that the facts are conflicting. You don’t know for sure what else might be going on. If you approach a situation with an accusatory tone, assuming that the person is lying, they will probably get defensive. They will leave physically or check out mentally from the conversation and you will not learn anything. When you use the Columbo Method, it is more likely that the person will open up and answer your questions honestly. The mystery will be solved and the relationship will be intact.

This article is the property of the Steven Gaffney Company. Please e-mail info@stevengaffney.com or call 703-241-7796 for permission to reprint this article in any format. Copyright 2011, www.stevengaffney.com.

Listen for the Real Message

Steven Gaffney — Mon, 09 May 2011 19:47:12 +0000

The most terrific woman I know is my mother. Her advice over the years has helped me avoid many problems. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I missed out on many years of my mom’s wonderful advice. Why? Because I was missing the real message behind her words.

My mother, by her own admission, can be somewhat negative. If I say things are going great, she might ask, “But are you prepared for the future?” Even though I run my own business, she reminds me almost every year that April 15 is tax day. There are many things I am likely to forget, but tax day is not one of them. If there is a possible negative outcome to any situation, my mother can usually predict it and advise me accordingly.

Unfortunately, for years I took her words as a form of disrespect. I thought her negativity and her tendency to play devil’s advocate were signs that she thought I was incapable of doing things right and that she had little faith in my business acumen or my instincts for survival. I reasoned that if she really respected me, she would not be the voice of doom.

Things changed one day when I was attending a seminar. The speaker reminded us not to get caught up in the words people say but to listen for the true message they are trying to convey. At that moment, the light bulb went on. My mother was talking to me in this way because she cared about me, not because she had no faith in me or my skills! Voicing her worries was her way of expressing her love and protectiveness for me; it was not a form of disrespect. Suddenly, I got it.

I vowed from that moment forward to hear the real message my mom was trying to communicate and to be patient with her. She may use words that sound negative, but now I view her worries and warnings as an expression of love. She is simply trying to contribute and point out things that she perceives as helpful.

Of course, as soon as I really started to listen to my mom, I realized how smart and wise she is. She has subsequently saved me on many occasions by pointing out things I would otherwise have overlooked because of my ceaseless optimism.

Are you missing anyone’s real message? A client’s? A coworker’s? A friend’s?

Let’s take a work example. When someone complains to you, do you hear just the complaints, or do you take time to recognize the impetus behind the complaints? Perhaps the complainer is not actually trying to be difficult. Perhaps the complainer just wants to be noticed and appreciated for the work they are doing. Or perhaps the complainer is dedicated to the job and wants to excel. Maybe the complainer feels frustrated by a lack of resources and may think it is helpful to point out insufficiencies. Some complainers
lack the skill or self-confidence to ask for what they really need. They complain, hoping that others will get the hint and provide it.

Complaining clients who are hard to work with can become our best, most-loyal clients if we take the time to hear their real message and address their concerns. If our clients truly do not want to make things work, or if they really have given up, they would probably remain silent and quietly end the relationship as soon as possible.

If we are not careful to hear the real messages people are trying to communicate, we will miss them … and possibly miss out on great opportunities as well. Remember, you cannot change what people say, but you can change the way you choose to hear them. So now, when my mom is predicting gloom and doom in my life, I simply smile and say, “Mom, I got it. You love me.”