“How to Listen for the Real Message”- Lesson Learned from My Mother

The most terrific woman I know is my mother. Her advice over the years has helped me avoid many problems. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I missed out on many years of my mom’s wonderful advice. Why? Because I was missing the real message behind her words.

My mother, by her own admission, can be somewhat negative. If I say things are going great, she might ask, “But are you prepared for the future?” Even though I run my own business, she reminds me almost every year that April 15 is tax day. There are many things I am likely to forget, but tax day is not one of them. If there is a possible negative outcome to any situation, my mother can usually predict it and advise me accordingly.

Unfortunately, for years I took her words as a form of disrespect. I thought her negativity and her tendency to play devil’s advocate were signs that she thought I was incapable of doing things right and that she had little faith in my business acumen or my instincts for survival. I reasoned that if she really respected me, she would not be the voice of doom.

Things changed one day when I was attending a seminar. The speaker reminded us not to get caught up in the words people say but to listen for the true message they are trying to convey. At that moment, the light bulb went on. My mother was talking to me in this way because she cared about me, not because she had no faith in me or my skills! Voicing her worries was her way of expressing her love and protectiveness for me; it was not a form of disrespect. Suddenly, I got it.

I vowed from that moment forward to hear the real message my mom was trying to communicate and to be patient with her. She may use words that sound negative, but now I view her worries and warnings as an expression of love. She is simply trying to contribute and point out things that she perceives as helpful.

Of course, as soon as I really started to listen to my mom, I realized how smart and wise she is. She has subsequently saved me on many occasions by pointing out things I would otherwise have overlooked because of my ceaseless optimism.

Are you missing anyone’s real message? A client’s? A co-worker’s? A friend’s?

Let’s take a work example. When someone complains to you, do you hear just the complaints, or do you take time to recognize the impetus behind the complaints? Perhaps the complainer is not actually trying to be difficult. Perhaps the complainer just wants to be noticed and appreciated for the work they are doing. Or perhaps the complainer is dedicated to the job and wants to excel. Maybe the complainer feels frustrated by a lack of resources and may think it is helpful to point out insufficiencies. Some complainers lack the skill or self-confidence to ask for what they really need. They complain, hoping that others will get the hint and provide it.

Complaining clients who are hard to work with can become our best, most-loyal clients if we take the time to hear their real message and address their concerns. If our clients truly do not want to make things work, or if they really have given up, they would probably remain silent and quietly end the relationship as soon as possible.

If we are not careful to hear the real messages people are trying to communicate, we will miss them… and possibly miss out on great opportunities as well. Remember, you cannot change what people say, but you can change the way you choose to hear them. So now, when my mom is predicting gloom and doom in my life, I simply smile and say, “Mom, I got it. You love me.”

Leading Through Change

In the famous 1974 Rumble in the Jungle boxing match between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman, Ali leaned against the ropes, covered himself up, and let Foreman hit him for seven rounds until Foreman tired himself out. Then Ali started hitting back and won the fight. This boxing technique, known as the rope-a-dope, proved to be a great technique for Ali to win against a formidable opponent. It’s also a technique that many of us resort to when it comes to dealing with change — and in that arena, it doesn’t lead to a knock-out.

Holding on and laying low is no way to face change, but people do it all the time. It’s one of many reasons that the majority — a whopping 70 percent — of change initiatives fail. People handle change by doing the rope-a-dope because they are tired of “change.” They are tired because they have too many competing priorities and not enough time to get their work done. They are frozen by uncertainty, the tough economic climate, and budgetary constraints. For all these reasons, people lean against the ropes and try to outlast change by holding on, covering up, and laying low. You can’t blame people for trying. Folks have been through so much change, they are suffering from “change fatigue,” as one of my clients called it, so they don’t do anything.

This is why strong, effective leadership is critical these days — because the changing times demand leaders who can successfully lead through change, but people are tired, and they prefer the rope-a-dope to actually making changes. In this day and age, most of us have learned leadership skills, but leading through change is a critical skill set that is often not provided in organizations. Many of us have met leaders who are good at sustaining, building, and even advancing in new markets but lousy at leading, managing, and inspiring through change. To make matters worse, change really is the new norm.

Consider this: “It took twenty years to replace one third of the Fortune 500 companies listed in 1960, against four years for those listed in 1998.”* If you feel like the pace of change is always getting faster, you may be right. Of course, not all of those companies went out of business. Some were acquired. Some merged. Regardless, change happened, and this statistic speaks to the rate of change at the biggest and highest levels of our economy. One could easily argue that those who can lead, manage, and inspire change will probably beat out the competition, making that particular leadership skill set critical to the future.

Four Factors for Leading Through Change

Considering the resistance to change and the uncertain times in which we lead, it is essential that we understand the factors critical to change so we can use them to our advantage. Change is complex, but after working with many organizations for twenty years, I have found that focusing on four key factors can help leaders successfully lead through change. It may sound like I am oversimplifying a complex subject, but things don’t have to be complicated. In my experience, when we focus on a few simple factors and solutions we can make great strides. Whether you are a leader who designed the change or you are leading a change directive instituted by someone else, you can use the acronym OVBS to remember the four critical factors of outcome, value, belief, and steps to help you lead, manage, and inspire so you and your organization can make the knock-out punch.

O — Outcome

No one can get from point A to point B without knowing where they’re going, and that is why effectively communicating the outcome of the planned change is critical. How can you achieve something if you don’t know what exactly you’re trying to achieve? You can’t. A confused mind will produce confused results.

The question to ask is whether the people you are leading know and understand the endgame: the objective of the change. Are the direction, vision, and mission clear? The simplest way to find out is to ask. You might even have employees write down their answers, as if it were a real test. That will give you the most accurate picture of everyone’s understanding. If the results reveal a confused understanding and mixed-up priorities, then creating and expressing your Vision of Success (VOS) should help everyone move forward to achieve actual results.

A Vision of Success is a picture of the desired result of change. The operative word here is picture, because people think in pictures. If people can’t see it, not only will they not DO it, they also probably won’t even remember it. If the change is a big organizational change, then it needs to be broken down for what it means for your area. The best Visions of Success are specific, results-drive, simple and clear, and positively focused towards the future.

V — Value

Communicating a full understanding of the outcome of the change is not enough to successfully lead employees through a transition. Employees must also see the value of the change for themselves. What’s in it for them?

Given the state of the world and economy, many people have concluded there is no such thing as company loyalty. We have all seen friends or family members lose jobs, even when they’ve given years to a company. For that reason, letting employees know that the change is good for the company is not enough to make employees value it. Now more than ever before, leaders must make the case for change by spelling out what exactly is in it for the employees.

The most effective way to make that case is to connect with employees with logic and emotion. You have probably heard it said that people make decisions based on emotion and then justify those decisions with logic. Have you ever made an impulse purchase? I have. We make impulse purchases based on emotion, but by the time we’ve made it home from the store, we have our reasoning lined up to back up our purchase. Connect emotionally, and then win their hearts and minds with the value of the change.

Consider this: change always starts within ourselves. You have to reach people by striking what motivates them. Based on our research and experience, we have identified seven drivers of human behavior. Talk with your employees and put some appropriate benefits in place. Continue to keep in touch with them throughout the change. Don’t be afraid to get to the heart of the matter. Ask them this valuable question: On a scale of 1 through 10, how valuable is the change to you? What would it take to make it a 10? The answers to that question will give you a lot to work with.

Helping employees value the change may sound like hard work, but it is critical. Otherwise the change will slide right off their priority list, and all the repetition of your VOS will fall on deaf ears.

B — Belief

The third critical factor in leading others through change is belief. People can understand the outcome and the value of the change, but if they do not believe in the outcome and the value, they likely will not execute on the change. A lot of changes fail for this reason — lack of belief.

In my work, I’ve discovered many reasons why people don’t believe in change, but there are three major ones. The first is that we, as leaders, may not believe in the change that we’re in charge of executing and our employees can feel that. Let’s face it. We’re not Academy Award-winning actors. We are leaders, and people are smart. They know when we don’t believe in what we’re saying. Usually they hear it in our tone. How we say something is usually more important than the words we say. If you find this is happening with yourself, go back for more information and get the perspective from those who designed the change, so that you can do your best to get yourself to believe and then lead others through the change.

Another reason people don’t believe in change is due to failed changes in the past. When people have seen changes that fail to deliver on the promised outcome and value, they can become skeptical. Since research shows that 70 percent of changes fail, we know that most people have had some bad experiences with change. You have to explain why this change is different. If you are not sure how things are going to be different, then I would take a step back and find this out as best you can. This is a challenge but one that can be very valuable. Lessons learned from our past can give us great perspective in the present and truly impact our future success.

A third big reason we fail to get others to believe in a change is a lack of a relationship connection — the feeling that we’re on the same side. When that connection is missing, people may hear what we say, but not truly listen and take it in. Have you ever had someone walk up to you, and before you even hear what they have to say, you think, “NO”? Usually this happens due to a lack of relationship connection — we don’t like or respect the person. If this is happening, examine what issues may be blocking this relationship connection. Some possibilities are past change initiatives that have failed, or maybe an emphasis on revenue and profits to the point of people being skeptical that this change will impact the goals they are being pressured to achieve.

People won’t take action if they don’t believe things will change. The bottom line is that belief is the engine of change. It keeps us going during hard times and great uncertainty.

S — Steps

Change is not a one-time event. It is actually made up of many steps. Are people clear about their next steps? Do they understand the plan? More important than understanding the plan, people must understand that the plan is about progress rather than perfection. Providing clarity about the next steps is a critical factor to leading through change because that is what enables people to make genuine progress.

The first step in making progress toward change is helping employees let go of lower priorities and old initiatives so they can focus on what needs to be done. One tactic for accomplishing this is to have employees make a list of all the priorities and initiatives from the past and then make a conscious choice to either let those things go or at least put them on the back burner. As the management consultant Zemira Jones says, we need to “fail fast.” That means we have to help people recognize and let go of what’s not working, and take the benefits and lessons learned from the past to reinforce and build a stronger future.

Next, break the change down into very small steps. This gets things moving and creates momentum. “Change” can feel insurmountable, but when it’s broken down into small, achievable goals, then people see the value more quickly and “change” is no longer impossible to achieve.

I have learned a lot from my friends and clients in the military, and one thing I’ve learned is the value of training and repetition. Training is important because sometimes people genuinely don’t know how to undertake their part of the change. Furthermore, sometimes people must be urged to achieve their priorities and take action. Having people take small, specific steps creates good habits that will help the change continue to move forward.

One of the main reasons people are resistant to change is they are simply not sure what to do. Using small, clear steps to move forward combats confusion. When people know exactly what they’re accountable for and what step to take next, they are less resistant to change. Since change is a process that takes time, clear and repeated communication about the next steps helps everyone to stay on track.

The Change Equation

Let’s take a moment for a quick review. OVBS stands for the four critical factors to leading people through change:

O — Outcome

V — Value

B — Belief

S — Steps

After working with numerous organizations and observing how incredibly complex organizational change can be, I have come up with a simple equation for an organizational change quotient that can guide you as you lead through change.

Outcome x Value x Belief x Steps = Action → Results

To use the equation, rate each item from 0-10. If either outcome, value, belief, or steps are rated as a zero, then you can easily see that you’ll get zero action and zero results. If one factor receives a stronger rating than another, action and results will be produced; but if all are high, then the change will be strong. Although all these numbers are arbitrary, this does give you something you can benchmark later within your organization. For example, you can share this with your leadership team and ask them what needs to happen to improve the score. Then you can revisit it a month later. The equation provides you with a snapshot, and it also helps you to see what dials may need to be turned up. What is your organizational change quotient? What specific actions can you take to make it higher?

This equation can help you evaluate change on any level — from individual change to sweeping organizational change. It can also empower you to discover what may be the problem. For example, if your area is not producing the results you’re looking for, examine the actions that are being taken. If people aren’t taking much action (changing their behavior) continue to work backward to look at the source of the outcome, value, belief, or steps.

*Commission of the European Communities, Green Paper: Entrepreneurship in Europe 9 (2003), at http://eur-lex.europa.eu/LexUriServ/site/en/com/2003/com2003_0027en01.pdf.

If you would like to learn six additional strategies to help you improve your organizational change quotient or to receive an electronic copy of the complete article, please call us at (703) 241-7796 or send an e-mail request to info@stevengaffney.com.

8 Ways to Jump Start the New Year

The following are 8 crucial actions you can take to Jump Start 2013 and make it your most meaningful year yet. These changes, though initially very small, can help to put your life on a different path. Good luck to you and we would love to hear about your successes.

1. Let go of the garbage that you are carrying. Reach out to someone you have written off (but still think about) or to someone you have given up on or with whom you had a problem with. Talk to that person and do what it takes to reach some sort of resolution and put the situation behind you.  Ask the other person, “What would it take for us to put this behind us?” Their input can help you create a solution that works for everyone. By reaching out and having a conversation, you are extending the olive branch. This can create a new beginning and trigger conversations and events that can ultimately change your life. Remember: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  Make 2013 the year you give that gift.

2. Stop negotiating things that are not negotiable. Are you suffering because you are being flexible and letting go of standards and principles that are important to you? Decide what is negotiable versus what is really not negotiable to you. If you are not clear, how can others be? Then let others know and take a stand. Many people get inspired when boundaries are set because clarity gives them power to focus their time and energy on areas of flexibility.

3. Adopt accountability partners. What is one of your behaviors that you really want to change? The truth is that if you really want to achieve this change, you will. Set up accountability partners and consequences to help ensure that you will make that change. For example, if you find yourself repeatedly complaining about a particular issue and you want to stop being so negative, tell five people you are going to stop complaining about the issue. Every time you complain about it, give them each a dollar.  The point is to send a message that your promises are not empty and you are committed to changing the behavior. Being accountable is one of the most important ingredients in lasting change.

4. Use your strengths. Your relationship with yourself and your talents is the most important one you will ever have.  Appreciating yourself and your strengths is at the core of your ability to create and enjoy the life you want. When you appreciate yourself, you are also more likely to take action and make changes on things that are important to you. Focus on what makes you happy. Don’t overlook your talents and make sure to maximize your full potential. If you’re good at something, why not become great at it? This year, if you remember to appreciate yourself and foster your strengths, you will be more self-empowered and confident to face anything to come.

5. Choose a coach or mentor. Whether it is personal or professional, everyone benefits from someone who guides and advises them. Athletes don’t get better at their specific sports by simply playing on their own each day. They improve by employing a coach who challenges and inspires them to grow and achieve success. Athletes also don’t improve their skills by playing teams equal to or worse than they are. They advance the most quickly when they are challenged by a better team.  It is important for your mentor to be someone who may be wiser, more experienced, or more successful than you are to help you reach the goals you have.

6. Apply your personal method of success to a current problem. What is the biggest problem you are currently facing, professionally or personally? Once you’ve identified that problem, change gears and take a moment to remember a specific moment of success in your life. What were the keys to help you achieve that success? Brainstorm a few ideas of why you think you were able to be successful in achieving the results you wanted.  Over a person’s lifetime, we develop a few “go-to” methods to help us achieve success in various situations. Many times, in problem areas, if you think about it, you are usually not applying one of your normal success methods to help you through it.  Now, return to that original problem. Of the ideas you’ve brainstormed, which are you currently not doing to help you tackle this issue? Apply them and you will see new direction to help you resolve it.

7. Decide on your number-one goal and create a plan to achieve it. Make sure your goal is measurable and that there is a deadline for completion. You might think this is simple – and it is – but people often neglect to set clear goals or create so many that they do not accomplish any. I see this frequently with organizations that have so many goals that people do not know on which to focus. The result is they try to focus on many and often achieve little. Remember confusion causes delay and often failure. Clarity and focus gives us power and inspiration to achieve.

8. Distance yourself from the dream crushers, naysayers, and negative influences. Just like we are what we eat, we are a product of the people with whom we spend our time with and the information we digest from them. With whom are you surrounding yourself? Are those people negative or are they inspiring to be around? What kind of books and materials are you reading? How much are you dwelling on negative news stories?  I am not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand. I am suggesting that we fill our minds with the influences that empower us.  Take the time to clean house.

If you run into challenges and need help or have questions along the way, send me an email steven@stevengaffney.com or give us a call 703 241-7796 at the office and we will do our best to help you.

The Halloween Principle


Beware of the Halloween Principle

Are there life principles that you used to live by, but now you don’t? Have you ever allowed someone to spook you to such an extent that you change your behavior? It’s natural to let someone’s bad reaction derail us from doing what we know needs to be done. I encounter this reality so often as I speak with people across the country about communication issues that I have a name for it: The Halloween Principle – because people get spooked, and then they start living according to fear rather than the life principles they believe in.

The sad part is we often do this subconsciously, meaning that we’re unaware of how much a past situation is affecting our present. If left unnoticed and unchecked, our changed behavior could even alter our future.

It often takes someone to point it out before we can say to ourselves, “That is so true. I know what needs to be done and I know certain life principles work, but I’m not living that way.”

To help you see whether you’ve been spooked, let’s look at a few life principles that most people believe in but have trouble living by because the Halloween Principle has taken over.

1 Honesty Is The Best Policy

Most people I meet believe that honesty is the best policy. They may even believe they live by it. But on further examination, they don’t. When they are upset, they stuff what they are thinking and feeling and tell others that things are okay. Or when people ask them for feedback, they spin their answers to sound nice and pleasant out of fear that if they say what they really think, that person will get defensive and react badly.

The result is that people don’t get their issues handled. In our personal lives this can lead to all kinds of trouble. Spouses fall out of love and get divorced. Kids fear telling their parents the truth or just don’t feel comfortable talking, so they stop talking with their parents and get advice and support from peers instead. Good friends get annoyed or angry, drop out of communication, and friendships slip away. When issues aren’t handled in our professional lives, program and project problems can escalate into bigger problems; good employees get fed up and leave, and clients and customers stop hiring us.

Considering all these negative ramifications, why do people continue to withhold, spin, and alter the truth when they know that honesty is integral to fixing problems? After all, someone can’t fix a problem if they don’t know about the problem.

When I ask people why they withhold or spin the truth, they often say, “I used to be more honest and straightforward. But awhile back, I was in a situation and …” And then they proceed to tell me how a boss, a spouse, a co-worker, or a friend got upset when they spoke the truth and took it out on them in one way or another. No wonder people get spooked.

2 The Law of Reflection

The Law of Reflection says that whatever we give out in life, we tend to get back. You may say if another way: what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow, do unto others, but it’s all the Law of Reflection.

Most people know this is a sound principle to live by, but few implement it to its fullest capability. For example, sometimes a person chooses not to give as much as they could because in the past they encountered someone who took and took – and kept on taking until they drained that person dry. So that person allowed someone’s selfishness to stop them from giving their heart and soul to others. In other words, they allowed the person to spook them and started to live by the Halloween Principle.

On further reflection, this person may realize that we all run into selfish people from time to time, even people so selfish that they’ll take advantage of others. But that is no reason to stop living the Law of Reflection – because there are always exceptions to the rule. In general, however, the more we give and help out others – whether that’s our boss, our co-workers, our employees, our spouse, or our friends – the better our life will work.

Choose to Overcome the Spook

No principle will always work out just right. But as a whole, these life principles do work and provide benefits to us and to others. For that reason, we have to stop letting people spook us. We need to make our choices and live by our principles rather than allowing others to derail us and dictate how we’re living.

When we become aware of the Halloween Principle, it gives us the power to choose a different course of action – the one we know is right for us.

Here are a few practical recommendations for disarming the Halloween Principle:

1.            Separate:  When you feel an internal disconnect between the way you want to live and the way you currently are living, try to remember when that disconnect started. Then ask yourself why you’re allowing that situation to continue to affect you. Maybe it is time to separate from the situation by forgiving and letting go. If you can’t let it go yet, implement some practices to work on it. If you are not sure of one, contact us and we can give you some simple recommendations that produce a profound effect.

2.            Counteract:  There are several ways to counteract the Halloween Principle. First, surround yourself with people who have the attributes you want to live by. If you believe that honesty is the best policy, make sure the people around you are willing to tell you the truth. If you want to live by the Law of Reflection, then choose to be around people who try to help out and give value to others. Another important key to counteracting the Halloween Principle is to read books and articles, listen to podcasts and radio broadcasts, and watch DVDs that provide information, advice, and encouragement to live by the principles that are important to you. Remember this: insights can happen in an instant, but sustained change takes effort, reinforcement, and reminders.

3.            Model:  In the future when you encounter someone who spooks you from being yourself, ask yourself whether this is an exception or the new rule. Remind yourself that every life principle has exceptions, but overall, they do work. Choose to live your life principles – modeling them for yourself and others – rather than being controlled by your reaction to an exception. Think about the situation as a valuable reminder of the importance of standing up for what you know is right and taking responsibility for your life.

Who have you allowed to spook you? Have you stopped living by any of your life principles? Now that you are aware of the Halloween Principle, what are you going to do about it?

If you need help or would like more information, please call us or send an e-mail to info@stevengaffney.com

How to Receive Difficult Feedback

People often dismiss feedback because they don’t like it, don’t agree with it, or don’t like the way it is delivered. But if we dismiss it, we may be sending a message that we don’t want to hear any feed- back. People may stop coming to us. And if this happens, we may miss valuable information. Remember; where there is smoke, there is fire. When someone tells us something, others usually have similar thoughts but lack the courage to say something. So it is a good idea to assume that others think the same thing.

It may be painful, but receiving feedback is a key to growth in life. If you think about the times you have grown the most, you may notice that those times came after you received some difficult feedback. After I had been conducting seminars for a year, I had a friend attend an evening speech to give me feedback. When I called to get his feedback, he began by saying, “You know, Steve, I am your friend…” and then for the next hour, he proceeded to rip the presentation apart. I walked around feeling sorry for myself for several days. I even thought I might be in the wrong profession. But then I realized that virtually all the feedback he gave me was about things I could change. I took most of his advice, made the changes, and the next time I delivered the speech, I was light years ahead of where I would have been without it.

How do you receive advice, especially when it is difficult to hear or you don’t like the way someone says it? Here are four tips.

1. Think of yourself as a sponge.
Listen, soak in the advice, and try not to respond. You can always wring it out and let go of it later. Don’t respond verbally or non-verbally; stay receptive. Remember, even if you are not happy with the feedback, it is better to know than not to know. After all, you can’t take action on something you don’t know about. It is better to receive unfiltered feed- back than to have others filter it for you.

2. Take notes.
If you find yourself wanting to debate the issue, remind yourself not to interrupt. Instead, write down your thoughts as the person is talking. If they ask you what you are writing, be honest and say, “I have some thoughts, but I want to really hear what you have to say before I respond, and I appreciate you talking to me.” People usually have mixed feelings while giving feedback. If you interject, they may turn off the feedback valve. Again, make them feel safe. Take notes to reduce the temptation to interrupt, respond, or debate.

3. Separate the message from the messenger.
Don’t get hung up on the words. Listen for the true message of what they are trying to convey. Sometimes when people are upset (or just because of the way they are), they do not say things in a way that is easy to hear. For example, they may say it with condescension or they may say it with an attitude. This may tempt you to dismiss what they are saying. Catch yourself. Remember, just because you don’t like the way someone says something or the person saying it, does not mean what they are saying is not valid, important, or beneficial.

4. Look for the gold.
It is easy to dismiss feedback when you don’t like what is said. The hard part is to take it in, sift through it, and look for the gold. Even if a lot of it is off-target, resist the urge to say, “This is wrong and has no merit.” Instead, ask yourself, “How can I benefit and grow from this feedback? What is helpful or useful?”

Think of feedback as a growth pill. You can choose whether to swallow it or not. The difference in your life can be tremendous.

Take Action
Pass this tip on to people you care about; your co-workers, your boss, your employees, your family and friends. Use it as a basis to talk to the people around your office, in your organization, and your personal life. Consider those times when feedback has not been so easy, and how you could have approached or reacted differently. If you get stuck, send me an email info@stevengaffney.com or contact my office for help at 703 241 7796.

How to Get What You Deserve

I’ve noticed that many participants in my seminars are struggling because they are not getting what they want from others. They are hoping that people will get the point (their subtle hints) and give them what they want—whether it is a promotion or a raise at work, or flowers or cards in their romantic relationships. Unfortunately, this “hoping” often causes disappointment because people don’t always do what we hope they will do.

The answer to this dilemma is simple. Don’t wait; start asking for what you really want. I know what you might be thinking… if someone gives you what you want because you ask for it, it is not as meaningful as if they just figured it out on their own. I agree. But the trouble is that not asking usually doesn’t produce what you want. If you’re not getting what you want, you have three options: you can complain about it, throw the relationship (or job) away, or do something about it. If you do something about it, then maybe people will learn how to treat you correctly. After all, the only person you can control is you.

If you’re in this situation, I recommend that you try training and conditioning people to treat you the way you want to be treated. The results can actually be life altering. My close friend was dating someone who told him, “You don’t appreciate me.” So he asked her how she would like him to express his appreciation for her. She said that she’d like cards and flowers and other small tokens of affection. He asked her why she hadn’t simply asked him for these things so he would know what to do.

She replied, “If I have to ask you, it will lose most of its meaning.”

He responded, “True. But it isn’t working this way, and I keep missing it. So why don’t you try asking and let’s see if over time, I can learn what to do.”

Reluctantly she started to ask for things. Most often he responded by giving her those things. Eventually my friend caught on and needed fewer reminders from his girlfriend. In other words he “got it.” And then one day, his girlfriend discovered that he really got it.

Here’s what happened. One day my friend’s girlfriend was told by her boss that the two of them would need to travel to London for business. When the day came and they arrived at the airport, her boss informed her he was not going with her and in fact she was not going to London. He gave her a notebook from her boyfriend to read through. She was to follow all of the instructions in the notebook. In the notebook was a ticket to Ireland where her boyfriend would be meeting her as well as strict instructions not to ask any questions once she landed.

She followed the instructions and flew to Ireland where her boyfriend met her. That night they stayed at a bed and breakfast. The next morning, the boyfriend left the room and the proprietor of the B&B knocked soon after and said, “Please come with me.” The proprietor drove the girlfriend to a field and dropped her off.

Let’s pause here. Just a day earlier this woman thought she was going on a business trip. Instead she found herself in a foreign country standing in the middle of a barren field early in the morning without anyone around. In other words, who knows what might happen when you start asking for what you want.

Soon the girlfriend saw someone coming across the field on horseback. As the person got closer, she realized it was someone dressed in a battlefield costume like in the movie Braveheart. Eventually she discovered it was her boyfriend.

What the girlfriend didn’t realize was that she was standing in the middle of a historic battlefield. Her boyfriend was from Ireland and he had paid someone to come up with an authentic costume of what people wore when they were going into battle — complete with a shield with his family’s coat of arms.

When he rode up to her, he got off the horse, turned to her, and said, “I want you to know the man I am and the family I come from. Will you spend the rest of your life with me?” And he gave her an engagement ring. She said yes and they now are married with two children.

You see, my friend got it. Because his girlfriend spoke up and asked for what she wanted, my friend learned the kind of things that made his girlfriend feel loved, valued, and appreciated. It isn’t that he didn’t love and appreciate his girlfriend before; he did. He simply didn’t know how important it was to her that he express that love and appreciation in particular ways. Because she helped him to understand that, eventually he learned. He learned to such an extent he was able to envision a proposal that would speak to her heart — an idea he came up with entirely on his own.

His girlfriend had successfully helped to train and condition him to appreciate her in the way she would want to be appreciated. In the beginning it may have not been that romantic; it may have even seemed laborious. But look at the results!

This principle isn’t just true for romantic relationships. Asking for what you want has applications in all aspects of life. Are you asking for what you want at work? Are you hoping to get a promotion or raise?

No matter what area of your life you want more results in, speak up, ask for what you want, and help make it happen…And watch out for a man riding a horse!

Take Action
Pass this tip on to people you care about; your co-workers, your boss, your employees, your family and friends. Use it as a basis to talk to the people around your office, in your organization, and your personal life. Consider when you are not getting the results you want in life and start putting a plan into action. If you get stuck, send me an email info@stevengaffney.com or contact my office for help at 703 241 7796.

Do Your Conversations Get Sidetracked? Beware of Red Herrings!

By: Steven Gaffney

Has anyone ever said something they know is irritating to you to divert the conversation away from the real issue? It has happened to all of us. Afterward, you walk away and think, “I don’t think they ever addressed my concern.”

For instance, have you confronted someone about turning something in late, and instead of addressing the issue, they respond by reminding you of the things you did not complete on time? They do this to push your buttons, distract from the real issue, and then send the conversation down an entirely different path.

Welcome to the world of red herrings. A red herring is something that diverts attention from the issue at hand. In communication, a red herring is a phrase or comment that sounds meaningful and important, but it really just throws the listener off track and leads the conversation down another path.

If you’ve ever confronted someone about their behavior and they responded, “That’s just the way I am,” then you’ve encountered a red herring. Consider their response. What does it really mean? Does it mean that the person is predisposed or genetically wired to always do something a certain way? The truth is that people can change if they truly want to, and often they just don’t want to — but it doesn’t sound good to admit that. So, they respond with what sounds like a real excuse. But of course, it is really just a red herring.

Here are three ways to handle a red herring:

1. Ignore it and focus on the issue at hand.

If someone says, “It’s just the way I am. I am always late.” You reply, “Okay. Are you going to get the report to me on time by three this afternoon?” Don’t allow yourself to get pulled down a dead-end road by a red herring. Notice that there was no response to the comment, “It’s just the way I am. I am always late.” There is no need to comment. The issue is the report. Re-focus the conversation to resolve the issue at hand. Repeat yourself if necessary. This technique is especially useful when people say things that they think will get your goat. Just ignore their comments and focus on the objective of the conversation.

2. Question it using the Columbo Method.

You could say something like, “I’m confused. You said you would get the report to me by 3 p.m. Are you going to give it to me on time?” By acknowledging that you are confused, you are acknowledging that their red herring comment does not have to do with the issue at hand. This also allows you to restate the original question.

3. Use the million-dollar test.

Ask the person, “If I were able to give you a million dollars to give me the report on time, would you give it to me on time?” The person would likely say, “Well, yes, but you don’t have a million dollars.” Your response would be, “Exactly. You could give me the report on time if you really wanted to. So what’s it going to take so that I can count on this report coming in on time?” In other words, it is a question of desire and commitment — not a question of ability. The truth is that most people can change just about anything if they are really willing to. The question is: Are they willing?

No one can throw you off track unless you allow him or her to do so. It is up to you to take control of the issues and refocus conversations. You can make it happen and get the results you want by not falling for the red herrings.

Take Action
Pass this tip on to people you care about; your co-workers, your boss, your employees, your family and friends. Use it as a basis to talk to the people around your office, in your organization, and your personal life. Consider if you have encountered any of these red herrings in your work or personal life so you can put a stop to them and get the results you desire. If you get stuck, send me an email info@stevengaffney.com or contact my office for help at 703 241 7796.


By Steven Gaffney

When it comes to dealing with problems or issues with others, we are likely to believe one or more myths of communication–ideas that are touted as solutions, but that can actually result in more problems.

Myth #1: Time heals all wounds. The truth is, that time usually deepens wounds. If time really healed all wounds, people would not blame their behavior on their childhood and past events as they often do. In fact, time can deceive us into thinking that problems with others have been resolved, but all it takes is to see them again or something to remind us of those previous unresolved issues and we will become upset all over again. In essence, our unresolved past is lying around waiting to strike us in the present.

What to do? Do not rationalize by thinking, “Well, they are not saying or bringing it up, so I will just let it go.” Just because they are not bringing it up does not mean that they have let it go. They may feel awkward or embarrassed or they may not know how to bring it up so they have decided to bury it. The key is to proactively bring up issues and resolve them.

Myth #2: Don’t rock the boat. The truth is, if you don’t rock the boat, the boat will probably sink. Faced with an issue or problem that is bothering us, many people rationalize, “I am not going to say anything. It is not that big of a deal. I don’t want to rock the boat.” The problem with this way of thinking is if we don’t say anything, the issue is unlikely to be resolved. Then what was once a small issue may fester and grow into a big problem.

What to do? As stated above, proactively bring up issues as they happen.

Myth #3: Be diplomatic. The truth is, if we are too diplomatic, the point we are trying to make will not get across and nothing will get resolved. Have you ever had someone claim that they told you something, but you really don’t remember or didn’t understand the message they were trying to send? This happened because the message being conveyed to you was so subtle that you missed the point.

What to do? When we have to communicate an issue, bringing it up in a respectful way is important, but make sure the issue and what you want done is clear and direct.

Myth #4: Sandwich what you really want to say between two compliments. The truth is, the “sandwich method” is so obvious that people immediately identify the strategy and feel manipulated. The sandwich method is when you place what you really want to say between two positive compliments. “I appreciate how hard you work, but blah, blah, blah… and thank you for working with me on this.” This communication trick can permanently damage relationships.

What to do? Tell people the truth. People are smart, but we are lousy actors, so be honest and clear. If you have issues, talk about them and get right to the point. When you have something nice to say, bring it up in a conversation unrelated to the problem so you can get the most benefit out of the conversation.

Myth #5: More communication leads to resolution. The truth is, simply having more communication can lead to wasting time and possibly more misunderstandings. Sometimes it is believed that the more people talk about something, that easier the message will emerge from the sheer volume of information. But how often have you been in a meeting where people “talked about things” and nothing got resolved.

Consider this:
if the solution were simply to increase communication, wouldn’t you expect that the increase in e-mail, cell phone use, and video conferencing would have significantly reduced communication problems? In spite of all of these extra tools now accessible to us, it seems that there are more misunderstandings, mistakes, and conflicts than ever before. And people still complain that they don’t receive the feedback they need to do their jobs properly.

In fact, communication technologies can also help people spread misinformation with blazing speed, sometimes leading to devastating results. Communication technology is not inherently bad. However, the way people use it is often ineffective. Increasing the amount of communication through multiple channels is not the answer.

What to do? Instead of just increasing the amount of communication, make sure that people know how to effectively use the different methods to communicate. These methods can make the critical difference in successfully resolving issues as they arise.

Take Action

Pass this tip on to people you care about; your co-workers, your boss, your employees, your family and friends. Use it as a basis to talk to the people around your office, in your organization, and your personal life. Have an upfront conversation about the “myths of communication” and assess what everyone is willing to do differently. This way everyone will benefit from the knowledge and wisdom we all have to contribute. If you get stuck, send me an email info@stevengaffney.com or contact my office for help at 703 241 7796.


By Steven Gaffney

First, we must really understand that our assumptions, opinions, and conclusions are exactly that…OUR assumptions, opinions and conclusion. They stem from our own thoughts and beliefs and they may be wrong. Often we confuse our opinions with facts. Have you ever had someone wrongly assume something about you, and treated it as if it was a fact?

The first key is to understand that OUR assumptions, opinions, and conclusions are not always accurate. Sometimes they are, but we must always remain open to the possibility that they are not.

The second key is to “check” our assumptions, opinions, and conclusions. In other words, investigate them. Investigation opens the lines of communication and encourages honest feedback. This allows for the added benefit of helping to prevent false assumptions, opinions, and conclusions about you and minimizes the possibility of costly confusion. Lastly, it encourages everyone to make decisions based on facts

Here are five questions you can ask to get feedback that will help you “check” your assumptions, opinions and conclusions:

1. In my mind, I am thinking ________. Is that correct?
2. What is your ideal outcome for this project?
3. Is this what you wanted?
4. On a scale of 1 to 10, how well are we doing? What would make it a 10?
5. How could we work more effectively with each other?

Remember, questions are the key, and whether you use these specific questions or, a variation of them, use them frequently to “check in” and clarify. By basing your decisions on facts, you will make your job easier and more enjoyable and will create the work environment you desire and deserve.

Third, offer your opinions and conclusions with the true belief you might be wrong. But the key is you must believe it. If you just pretend that you may be wrong, while in your heart you know you are right, it will not work. For example, can’t you tell when someone is mad at you even though they say they are not? Or how about when someone says, “I am not blaming you” even though they are. This is because most of us are lousy actors and people see right though this charade. This is why some people, who only learn to say the right words, often come across as insincere. It is because they haven’t changed what they truly believe.

As proven in my communication seminar, “The Fish Isn’t Sick…The Water’s Dirty”, we are often wrong about our assumptions, opinions and conclusions. Sometimes it just doesn’t look that way because once we have an opinion we tend to look for evidence that is consistent with our opinion. We see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe. For example, once we label someone as difficult to deal with, that is all we can see. If they compliment us, we assume that they must be up to something. This is why many people who are labeled as a bad performer or difficult to deal with find it very hard to change people’s opinions.

Have you ever had someone rightly accuse you of something, but because of his or her tone, you denied it? When we are open to the possibility that we may be wrong, we see things differently that we otherwise may have missed. We say things differently. We frame the conversation from an entirely different perspective. After all, even when what we think is actually correct, people will be more accepting when we say it with the sincere belief that we might be wrong.

Consider this: with whom would you rather work? Someone who thinks they are right all the time or someone who is sincerely open to the possibility that they may be wrong. Most of us don’t like being around people who are self-righteous—even if they have a point. Instead, we like to be around people who are open to the possibility that they may be wrong.

The fourth key: to effectively conveying assumptions, opinions, and conclusions that are difficult to say, is to suggest one thing that could have been done differently. The more responsibility taken for things that could have been done differently, the less it sends a message of blame. Additionally, taking responsibility will most likely encourage the other person to think of things he or she could have done as well. And not blaming allows the other person to have an opportunity to consider the point differently… without feeling the need to get defensive.

So here is how it might sound:
“I notice the report came in at 5:00 rather than 3:00. I have all kinds of ideas going on in my head about this. For example, I am thinking that you have too much on your plate. Bottom line is that I am stressed. One thing I could have done differently is bring this up when it first happened and not immediately placed the blame on you.”

It is a lot easier to come up with a solution when there is not a need to come up with an excuse. This simple strategy will save you lots of time and aggravation and help you to get the results you desire.

Good Luck and let me know if you get stuck in conveying these difficult opinions, assumptions, and conclusions. I will help you. Just contact my office at 703 241 7796 or email me at info@stevengaffney.com. If you find this article helpful, please feel free to share with others in your work and home life.